A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello All,I am a single male and have been for several years and enjoy being single.Howwever, someone (a female of 25) has come into my life. We have a lot of things in common.We have been friends for 10 months.The problem is she is 'married' There is no secrecy her husband knows we hang out and do stuff together.I am old enough to know affairs do not work someone always gets hurt and they cause a lot of drama.I intellectually understand that even if this women were to seek a divorce and leave him and be with me usually also brings alot of baggage and drama with it and does not work.Okay so I have all this knowledge YET I am still mezmerized by this women. When she is around my heart just sings and I am tempted to see if she feels the same way. I have heard of other people meeting someone that was married and now they are together and happy, but I know you have to work through alot of crap to get there.SO, my question is what to do? Follow my heart or my head?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): The Aunts below give you wise advice and I agree with them. Any time you are faced with a 'choice' like this one, you follow your head. The only way to your happiness will come from making the right choices. I think you want an open, honest relationship, with someone who is free to be involved with you. She isn't. And you have no right to interfere in her marriage. You could be going over the edge into doing something very, very wrong. People do what you are doing, quite often when they have blinders on. They get overly infatuated and mistakenly make dangerous assumptions to feed their 'dreams and desires' and focus on what only 'they want'. They forget rationale thought and their heartfelt feelings take over. You are simply fantasizing about a future life with a woman you are deeply infatuated with and feel close to.
So after saying this, I ask you to keep thinking this through. If you did get her to 'step out' on her marriage, the huge trust issues will predominate, in this situation. Don't propose an affair or even go there, because then that will mean you will have to face something less than admirable about yourself. She has a home, she has a husband and I hope to god, there are no children involved here. You need to decide to do what is right, because I forsee nothing good that will come of this. She already has a life...with her husband. And you need to respect another man's marriage, here. To go down that path and proceed ahead anyways, would be self-involved and all about you. You are not thinking of the future drama and pain that could devastate her future. If you care about her like you claim, you will want her to be happy and save her the upheaval of divorce..especially a divorce resulting from cheating. That will deeply embitter her spouse and then watch the drama unfold. It isn't pretty. Lawyers, in-fighting, emotional stress, anger, huge finanacial obligations and so on, become paramount and will have a front row seat. So use your intellect here, get your emotions in check. You are a single, available, unmarried man. Take that knowlege and understand that "Walking away opens the door to other happier, more better possibilities". Good luck and take care
A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (9 August 2008):
 Why split up the marriage if you enjoy being single and dont want the baggage that comes with her divorce. You are being unfair if you start something with this woman as you dont seem to want a relationship anyway, leave them be and stop hanging out with her so much x
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A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (9 August 2008):
 Why are you doing this to yourself?
After reading your post, I see that you are intellegent enough to look at all the angles of this situation. And I think that you are heading into the fire regardless of the consequences that you KNOW will be.
I think, that as much as it will hurt, you should back off from this. There are soooo many pretty single girls out there for you. You should shop around for one, and leave this "married girl" behind. For her and your good.
I am the kind of person who does not beleive in having friends of the opposite gender, when you are married, or have a significant other, because one side or the other always gets toooo attached. Good Luck in your decision.
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