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male
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*apyrus
writes: I am in the process of a messy break up. I put up with too many ugly lies, cheating and dangerous behavior from her. I feel right to revenge at this point, should I?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2006): Go ahead and get your revenge. She won't change unless she pays. Sociopaths are all like that. You'll feel much better after you have repaired your dignity. She was the aggressor.
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male
reader, papyrus +, writes (7 January 2006):
papyrus is verified as being by the original poster of the question...well... Things are turning quiet well on my side without lifting a finger or building up a revenge strategy. One of my female friend posted an ad to trick her ex-boyfriend and see if he was looking for other girls. She ended-up receiving the eMail of the boy-friend of my ex. Knowing my situation she forwarded it to me. I told her to just forward it to my ex and it's what she did while taking the time of letting her know what she personaly feel about her behavior with me. Apparently it had its effect and she is acting completely subdued these past few days. I guess she is in depression of some sort. I personally continue to ignore her. Nothing better to see a cheater being cheated particulary when things happen without doing anything about it. Moral of the story... yes you are right revenge is not worth, particulary if you have to deal with guilt factor afterward... but when a person is bad, life happened to be very balanced and you just need a bit of patience to see things turning your way when you are doing the right thing all along.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2006): No you shouldn't seek revenge. We've all been there, hun. My advice is: have your vindictive thoughts, but never act on them. Usually, they go away when the initial 'how dare you' angry feelings recedes and you start to see your own involvement in things gone awry. Remember, no matter who is or isn't to blame...it takes two to make a relationship work or make it mess up. It's likely that you may never encounter anyone who is this evil and bent on your destruction as your ex gf is, but remember it's just a lot of ignorance. So, don't bring yourself to that level by reacting to ignorance with more ignorance and contribute further to the layer of hate and bitterness between you two. You are much better than that and you know...choose to look at revenge as a waste of humanity, not to mention a waste of time and emotional energy. Take that energy and make your life happier and much more enriched than what it is right now. Now...that would be the best revenge of all! Be happy and take care, dear
Hugs Irish
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male
reader, papyrus +, writes (3 January 2006):
papyrus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain I appreciate very much so many thoughtful answers.
As I said I never took revenge on a sentimental relationship. That would be a first for me and very contrarian with my nature. I am also sure to go on with my life very easily once I leave the apt. Problem is that when someone surrender herself with a vail of lies, she does not lie only to me but to her friends, to her new boy-friend, to her family. I am the only person right now who knows everything... so it is almost too easy to make things fall apart and I already warned her.
For example, I almost feel making a favor to the new boy-friend to let him know 2 or 3 things about her... and it is not just about spreading rumors, I have everything I need to prove it. The positive thing I see is that it make collapse her castel of cards she build for herself during the past 2 years obliging her to deal and confront reality. She put herself in such situation that she is almost asking me subconscientlty to break it for her. My dilema is not so much about if I feel bad or good doing it... after what I have seen I have real doubt she would be capable to stand up by herself. She already had some pathological signs last summer reacting on her nervous system that brought her to the hospital. I do not see her as an ammoral person but as an heavily troubled person. She certainly need some help but I am not a doctor and she will never admit the need to go see a shrink. She is taken in a neurotic cycle. She is not good a confronting problems... she just let it grow and forget about it hoping time will take care of it... but sometime it grow and it explod. The question is, should I cut the sh*t now or should I let things fall apart in the coming months or years. As you may understand now I see my situation less and less as a revenge issue. I know I would feel better to see things crumble... I am not so sure I should be the one doing it and take the responsability of starting it.
Another way to put it... in which occasions retaliating is healthy and useful?
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (3 January 2006):
 All the answers here have the right idea. Don't get so caught up in planning your revenge and instead consider how you are going to live your life now and avoid another woman like this one.
You must also take some responsibility here. If you were aware that she had been with someone else, perhaps you owed it to yourself to walk away sooner?
Learn from the situation and move forward. They always say what goes around comes around so leave it at that and focus on yourself and what you want out of life rather than her.
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A
female
reader, kitykat +, writes (3 January 2006):
im a girl so im gonna answer from her point of view she could have been hurt before and thought that she would again or her mum and dad have brought her up that that way who nos but no dont take revenge talk to her if you can and ask her why???
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female
reader, AgonyAuntsonEBAY +, writes (3 January 2006):
 Hi there.My exhusband was unfaithful to me with my best friend at the time.I wanted to tell her fiance but that would have upset him (a lovely guy) and her kids (who had enough problems).I went to a joke shop and bought some itching powder. My plan was to put some in their bed so they thought they had caught something from each other (they both had germ phobias). I never got round to actually doing it but the look on the jokeshop man's face was a picture when I told him my plan.I think you need to do something to relief the stresses so try doing something physical - not smashing something up - but joining a gym or take up karate.Get away from the situation - take yourself on a weekend break or get a new car.Things will work out - it hurts like h*ll but I know it will get better. x
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female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (3 January 2006):
 Papyrus, i really feel for you here. You really have been through alot. But most of us have also. You wont believen what i have been through the last few months it is even alot worse than what u have passed through really, but i have chosen to move on with my life. Now i am a stronger person and i am with someone who values and loves me.
I really dont think u should seek revenge despite. Do u think by spreading horrible rumours and destroying her personaility would help? I dont think so? dont u think u might even harm your own personanilty really?she might even let others believe u are the one with the problem and others might forget what she did initially and look at you as the bad person.You two might end up in something really bitter and horrible.
Also, i really dont think u should let this horrible woman change the person u are and should be. By seeking revenge in such a ways u are going to become a spiteful person. Is this who really want to become?
You should concentrate on moving on and u cant do that by going after your ex. You will still be leaving part of your soul there, the one to revenge.Revenge to me is giving up on yourself.
What u should now is that u should focus on getting ur life sort it out. i know u can do this. dont worry about ur test, am sure u will be fine.
I can feel your pain really i had my own fair share of it really. But u can turn that pain around. Think about it.
All the best dearie
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A
male
reader, papyrus +, writes (3 January 2006):
papyrus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do appreciate very much all these reasonable answers... but I am 34 and have already experienced break-ups and usually deal the way you all described. In this case I should have emphasis the word "dangerous". The self-esteem issue bothers me less than the sense of justice and my wish to make her take some responsabilities. The situation is too complex to be described in a short text, but I will try to summarize important events.
- It is a 5 years relationship, the last 2 years led to the present situation. She is now 28. We talked about separation 2 months ago while I was in a foreign country and decided to change the relationship to friendship. She ask me to comeback one last time to spend the holiday and her birthday together.
- while I was in a foreign country, She look for a sugar daddy, found one, 44, Billionare (with a B), divorced, 3 kids. When I came back and after making love, she explain to me who she met. I say ok, but she should have told me that before I came back. During one week she try to make the relationship work out. We make love everyday. I suddenly understand that she is not taking pills anymore. I ask her if she made love with condom with the other guy and tells me no. I then understand she is trying to trick me and the guy into a sperm/genes contest.
- I make clear that I am completly separating from her. She freak out and decide to continue the relationship with the other guy sending her frantic message everyday on her PDA. She then start to go half the time to see him and the other sleeping at home. I say that I can not handle the situation and she need to decide. I would be ignoring her and refusing to talk to her. She is also losing my friendship. I also start to learn many stories from common friends and understand that I have been cheated 2 years ago and probably with 2 or 3 other guys during 2005.
I know she does not use protection and I went for an HIV test already. Thankfully I am negative. I have to make another test in Feb since the recent events.
After sending a letter she found insulting, She frighten me to kick me out of her apt. I am going away the 12th Jan. but do not want to pay for an apt or hotel I have already paid for in a situation she generated. She should be the one paying for it and she has no reason to kick me out. I am maintaining the actual status-quo until the 12th by frightening her of retaliation.
I have plenty of ways to seek revenge and she knows it. I am outrage by the risk she takes and feel she need to learn a thing or 2.
Is it valuable, moral, ethical? I know the sentiment is... how about to actually do it? My retaliation would be proportional to the damage she has caused. I am thinking to break the relationship with the other guy and even turn him against her, if she does not get it, turn some of her friends against her, if she still do not get it and retaliate against me or my friends or my business, turn her family against her... I have more possibilities but it would break a big part of her career or make it very difficult and if I am still HIV- or did not make a baby few weeks ago that would not be equivalent.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (3 January 2006):
You know what I think is BETTER then revenege? being true to yourself,- telling her how she hurt you, yes sure it makes you seem vunerable, but your not because you know not to trust her and you are simply saying all that you want to her. Tell her how you feel about what she done. Perhaps in a letter is the way to go, so you can word it all out, or maybe you would prefer face to face.
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A
female
reader, kellyO +, writes (3 January 2006):
Dear, i agree with all the others here. please dont bring yourself down to her level by trying to revenge. You have been the good guy in it all just leave peacefully. Believe me that will be the best revenge cos she will always blame herself for everything.
Goodluck
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A
female
reader, Tinkz  +, writes (3 January 2006):
 Revenge is sweet, but think carefully of the consequences.
Yes it hurt to be lied and cheated on, but the best revenge is to move on and just cut her of.
The less attention you pay to her the more she will realise what she's lost.
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