A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A few weeks ago my girlfriend that i've known for 6 months and been together for 2 told me she loved me. I didn't quite know how to respond, she was upset but said she understood that and it was probably too soon to say it and she wouldn't say it again until i did. Then this weekend she went into hospital with illness(she gets ill quite regularly) and because she was really bad (i didn't realise just how bad at the time) and was scared she told me again she loved me.I simply told her she'd be ok and kissed her on the forehead and held her hand and stayed with her. She was very upset that i didn't respond the same. Now she is feeling better and i went to see her she says she is really embarassed and wishes she hadn't said anything. She says she feels like a weak little girl now rather than the strong independant woman she wants to be and that she feels like i have power over her now :s (didn't know what to make of that one). She says that i wasn't taking the fact that she was so ill seriously and was more worried about an arguement about not telling her parents that i kept going on about.I think she feels uncomfortable with me now and she says she thinks i'm telling my mates and stuff and getting freaked out by her. What should i have done? I probably should have told her i loved her as she was so ill to make her feel safer and calmer but i don't think i'm ready to say it. I don't know if i love her or not. Should you love someone after 6 months or does that mean it will never be? I left after a weird,uncomfortable conversation trying to establish how we feel and explain things with things feeling strange and am worried this has had a really bad impact and may even end things on her end...what do you think of all this? what should i have done / do? Many thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): oh you poor thing! The question is....do you love her?
if your answer is yes...then tell her. It is as simple as that. Let love flow freely
A
female
reader, lostone  +, writes (5 January 2009):
Don't say anything that you don't mean. You'll know when you really do love her in the way of what love means to you. So if you're not ready yet, then make that clear to her. Also make it clear to her that it is not something wrong with her or the relationship, it will just happen when it happens!
I don't think she sounds controlling. You probably wouldn't care for someone like that as much as you care for her. She probably does not really realize what you are thinking about her constant need for attention and self-esteem issues, and I know you don't want to hurt her feelings but you have to tell her. It will only continue if you don't. You are not going to be her validation for being happy with herself.
I can tell you really care for her, but it might be a good idea if you two spend a little more time apart than you are. Some people are not good by themselves, I know I am one of those types of people and need to learn to spend time alone. Whatever you do, be upfront with your feelings with her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2009): Insecure and depressed people are usually manipulative and controlling, it could be in a passive-aggressive sort of way, which to me sounds like your girlfriend, but I'm not a professional so I am only speaking from my own personal experiences. She sounds so needy! I wish you luck if you decide to stay with her. I have a feeling you will wear-out quickly. It will be difficult if you decide to leave her...she won't make it easy. She will use her illness, and insecurities to keep you there with guilt, and neediness! Trust me I know from experience. It will be hard to resist going back over and over again and it will all wear you down to the point that you have no life other than her!
I'm sorry I sound so negative and depressing but I lived it for over 16 years...it's no fun!!!!!!!!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe health issue doesn't act as a barrier. She was very restrained at first and told me a thousand times that she didn't recommend being in a relationship with her as it would be very hard work but obviously that doesn't bother me because i care for her so much. We see each other nearly evry day and speak every day which if i'm being honest is a bit too much as i feel my life has been taken over a bit but she gets very upset if i say i don't want to see her. I understand that this could make her seem controlling or manipulative but it's because she has low self esteem and suffers from depression and i presume me being there helps that. I am however concerned that she feels she loves me just because i am there for her all the time and that she doesn't actually love me for who i am. We don't get to socialise too much with others but when we do she doesn't show much attention towards me but when we are alone she is in constant need of cheering up and won't leave my side. She is self-conscious and very anti-physical in terms of the intimate side of our relationship which in turn makes me feel self conscious as the things she says about sex etc. make me feel very unattractive to her. Thats not to say we aren't at all intimate but she won't even kiss me properly or look me in the eyes and it's hard for me to feel wanted even when she says she loves me. I promise you this is not a complaint - i care for her so much but can't help but have insecurities myself and wonder if it is a different kind of love she has for me. i care for her loads and couldn't imagine not seeing her and speaking to her all the time.in fact, i saw her earlier and i can't stop thinking of her especially because i am worried about things that have just happened. sorry....didn't mean to rant there - that all kind of flowed out! good to get it off my chest. I'm really confused though and any more comments would be greatly appreciated.. thank you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2009): When someone says I Love You, it's nice if they hear it back but they shouldn't just expect it! All you can do is try to get her to believe you really care for her, but you honestly don't know yet. I think you're wise not to say it until you really feel it. That's mature and responsible. Some guys through the phrase around as if they were saying good morning. And just want to get in a girls pants!
How do you know if you are in love? That's not an easy question to answer. I guess when your life revolves around that person, when a day can't go by without contact with them. When they are always in your thoughts. When you consider their needs, sometimes before your own...and when you can imagine spending the rest of your life growing old with them!
So don't be too hard on yourself. Don't say it unless you really mean it...and always remember that actions speak louder than words. Show her by your actions how much you care for her! Go out of your way to do nice things for her...things you know she will appreciate!
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, Befuddled1 +, writes (4 January 2009):
 You have done the right thing by not saying 'I love you' if you are not sure you do. Too many people in this world say things they dont mean.
Obviously this lady feels very strongly for you....as you seem to for her and she was upset and she feels foolish which is understandable.
Neither have you have done anything wrong.
You clearly care for her very much and wish you had responded to her in a better way when she was in hospital...It is a strange situation to be in and lots of people wouldn't know how to act.
Maybe you could tell her how much you care and how you fear she wants to end this relationship, and that you want to be with her no matter what.
There is no time restraints on love...what is it anyway???
Do you think her health problems have acted as a barrier between you? Are you afraid to love her because it will be hard?
Relationships are hard, don't beat yourself up!
Good luck
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