A
male
age
36-40,
*amienmo85
writes:Hi everyone, so this is perhaps not a very complicated situation (or maybe it is) to call but I just want feedback as to whether or not I have been a bit unreasonable or naive in the following interaction or whether I am justified in my feelings. Basically, I met this girl from a tinder date, we had communicated for an extended period of time and I knew from the initial conversations that I kind of liked her. She seemed to have a good attitude, very similar sense of humour, intelligent and was very attractive and flirty and a healthy attitude to sex. We met up and the date went great! Had a really good time, laughed and ended up going home on the first date. Now I knew from the off that she was quite a horny kind of person (one of the things that attracted me to her) and we discussed even slightly racy stuff for a first date like threesomes and each other's respective sexual appetites and tastes.We also seemed to have a fair bit in common personality wise and she kept saying how much she liked me and really wanted to see me again and was really really into me. I was over the moon! So we met up for a second date which really turned into me just taking a day off to go to her house and pretty much spent the day in bed together. Now, she consistently said that she really loved spending time with me and we had a great laugh/connection with each other and she was very eager to see me again. We had not discussed whether or not this was just sex or not but the usual signs of something being 'just sex' i.e. just meeting up for sex and not going out on a date (we went out and talked for a bit, it wasn't wham bam) weren't there. We spent lots of time together, went to the movies, were very lovey dovey. She kept re-enforcing the point that she really liked me.Well, anyway, I was delighted! I had found this girl who was really into me and in whom I was equally interested and it seemed like we could just have a bit of fun and see where it went. Then I happened to be walking through town two days after our last date and she was there on another date with a guy. I texted her to see if she was out and she wrote back 'please don't kill me, I just had planned this date ages ago, it's just a first date kind of thing and I didn't want to be a prick and let him down!' Well I can't but say that I was really gutted. It had only been two dates but I thought the girl genuinely did like me. She at least intimated as much over and over. So, even though I was really hurt, I kind of accepted that well, it had only been two dates (one of which, in fairness we'd spent in bed) and she might just be looking for casual sex. However, I did find it a little gross that I had only just spent the day with her two days before and then she was taking this other guy home, I was angry and asked her 'so do you not like me or is this just f*$king?' to which she replied 'oh no I really do like you, I'm just not looking for a relationship right now' and then told me that there were two other guys on the go as well as me! Now I was a bit gut-wrenched, and in fairness, I probably got too attached too early on but I figured, well I can still flow with having casual sex and enjoy this girl's company. I met up with her again and was a little bit mad I'll say but we had sex. Her messages were incredibly mixed. She would talk about how she just wanted to enjoy her twenties, something of course I would not begrudge anyone, but at the same time saying she really liked me. She wanted me round, I was the best thing that had happened to her in ages. We had sex that day and then pretty much went on a date and spent the whole day together. Even though I knew she was going on a date THAT NIGHT with another guy, I still really liked the girl and wanted to spend some time with her. So my basic problem is, she keeps giving me mixed signals. If all she's looking for is sex, then fair enough. No problem with that. But then she gives all of these indications of really liking me and missing me if I stopped contact with her. It's almost as though she wants a boyfriend without having a boyfriend. Now I understand that people go through a period where they just want to screw around (I'm 29 and she is 24) and I hold no judgement, but it just seems like she wants her cake and to eat it too. She said 'oh have sex with whoever you want but don't tell me about it' but at the same time is jealous if I mention that I might want to go on a date with someone else. It seems as though I am a back-burner for her and that there are a couple of other guys climbing in and out of her at the same time. She said they know that it's casual but I would have my doubts owing to my experience of our interaction.Have I just been very naive in thinking that this girl genuinely liked me in spite of the fact that she has three or four other guys on the go or was it reasonable for me to assume that she had a genuine interest in me because of her explicitly saying as much to me at the beginning and the amount of non-sex time we spent together? As is, if we're just going to be sex buddies I think I might either just limit my interaction to just sex every so often or else move on and find a more viable relationship because doing all of the lovey-dovey romantic date stuff when you're just sex buddies seems a bit weird to me. So does this girl just want everything?
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flirt, her ex, horny, jealous, move on, my ex, period, text, threesome Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 July 2015):
 Just be careful because there can be two people who are very clear about what they want at the start, but things get blurry later. So just stick with the sex even when the casual girl tries to guilt you with, "so you are just using me for sex, how can you not feel anything for me?" Well, that's what relationships are for. Otherwise you would be the one singing Ed Sheeran's "Don't".
A
male
reader, damienmo85 +, writes (13 July 2015):
damienmo85 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey janniepeg thanks that was a really constructive and useful answer! Yeah on reflection there were signs but I obviously misinterpreted her "like". I Might still meet up for sex with her from time to time but keep it casual because the date stuff is not really a comfortable thing for me if I'm just shagging someone. Im familiar with online dating just obviously in the breach of 5 years girls attitudes have improved regarding casual sex to what I thought. She's still a bit of fun but I'm not going to invest in her and I'm not ready to be tied down really myself. Thanks again that was helpful
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (13 July 2015):
A school girl can like a teacher. A married man can like a mistress. The only "like" that matters is that you are both happy with the arrangement and agree with the intent of the relationship. If someone talks about threesomes on a first date, you should have got a clue that she's not after a long term relationship. The conversation should be more like sharing your childhood stories, your goals and dreams and hobbies.
The girl can genuinely like you because you exceeded her expectations when many young men seem to be interested in one thing. A lot of people on Tinder are after casual sex, so when you can get lovey dovey instead of just treating her like a piece of meat, it's a plus for her. She would understand it if you can't continue this. It's not as if she demands you to be her boyfriend while having the freedom to screw others.
If you are not experienced with online dating, you will be naive to how society has become. It would be surprising how a young girl operates like a player when you probably grew up with mom telling you how to respect women. She is a girl who can separate emotions from sex, at least for now.
I think she can genuinely like you as a person but because of her stage in life she does not want to be tied down.
If you feel gutted by what she did (I am sure the average man would feel the same way), it means you are more traditional than she is, and appreciate one on one serious dating. Your like and her like mean different things. For her to say "don't kill me" means she knows you are more serious, you expected more than what she could offer. It would be leading you on to know that you care for her that way. It's still your choice to play and get burned but a more conscientious person would just gently let you go.
I know it is very flattering to hear a girl saying she genuinely likes you but that's not enough to continue this with her. She probably says this to other guys too, maybe as lovey dovey too. It's not a frequent opportunity to meet a free spirit like this. In the last 20 years we are given too much freedom that we are afraid of what to do with it. The girlfriend experience without being a boyfriend seems to be anyone's dream, but not for the faint of heart. Women have a more advantage in the game of casual dating but not men. When it comes to who wants casual sex, men always outnumber women. You are better off looking for serious people.
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