A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Sorry this is a long prob! but any advice wud be gladly appreciated.Am 16 wks pregnant. Partner is being difficult. One min dying to be with me the next rejecting me constantly. So things were not great at dinner and he said he was going home to his family. I said great enjoy. Family which I have never met. We have dated for over a year. He avoided eye contact for most of the meal - was more interested in watching the people around us then holding an interesting conversation. I put up with it and was happy we parted ways at the end of the dinner but at a loss to know why it was tense - like walking on eggshells. He told me during the meal that I was skating on thin ice with him...cos I asked him about some other woman he had tried to date behind my back. But he never resolved this issue with me and I just wanted to nip it in the bud on the hope that could make our couple better. He didnt get that. So anyway, the date with him was bit strained and been getting vibes that he is not really that into me - well not into me as much as I am into him. So I broke up with him before he could break up me and sent the following txts below. He has previously been breaking up with me then getting back with me by txt. So now he got rejected by me by txt. I did this out of self respect though it hurts me cos I love him so much.What I would like to know from you guys - have I been too harsh in what I said to him? Obviously no1 REALLY wants to break up with their child's father if they are pregnant but it bothers me that he is now taking me for granted as he feels 'he has me' now. His support is odd too. He was buying me food to cook for him! I was kinda grateful cos it saved a bit of money in terms of buying meat but I started to get really tired cos had to cook for him after work each day...so told him I cant do this cos am so drained all the time. If I wasnt pregnant I doubt this would be a problem. He wont go to any hospital scans with me, he doesnt even want to be there for the birth and constantly questions the baby which is plain depressing. I dont have any doubts and I even showed him the hospital documents so he could see for himself I aint messing him around. So I said to him I cant be with you if your heart is not in this cos I dont want the baby to be let down in the same way as he is letting me down. Have I done the right thing here???Txt 1 was written just after he had rung and hung up on me about dates of conception - he got the date totally wrong though have told him repeatedly before when period was etc and gave him a weblink so he could see for himself so was annoyed he didnt trust me and he saw papers from the hospital showing the same dates as I said to him.________________________MY MAILSTxt 1If you dont believe what I say to you now then you are automatically disrespecting me by not trusting in me. Im not even sure you realise that. U dont even go 2d hospital. The dates are on the file in writing so how dare u. A relationship can not work without trust and if you are not even sure you want us NOW, why will I let this child be disappointed by a man who is not even sure if he wants their mum?! You will be able to see your child but I dont see why I should stay with you if you are not sure you want us even now. Contact me when u want us properly NOT half heartedly. OK?Txt 2I do not feel supported by you as it is.To get the odd thing here and there is not my idea of support.Support also means having an interest too and not leaving a person all the time alone to manage. I wont take back a man who constantly rejects me or this child.I dont see the point.Am nearly half way over this pregnancy and you still do not know in your heart if you want us-always hot+cold.So I wont be with u until its proper + u know for sure that u want us.SIMPLETxt 3A man who is into a woman will make regular contact,will be eager2c her,reluctant2leave her,want2go out a lot,will act like am v special..doesnt want to date others,will not avoid eye contact when I speak2him, be sensitive to her needs, will want to make her happy and if he feels he is failing, will try to resolve it with her cos he knows he can lose her easily too. U know u dont even pull my chair out when we go out to a restaurant even. Its the little things women pick up on :-( Txt 4One more thing that makes no sense at all. You now say you went half way home to your parents then got the bus back cos you wanted to speak with me.Then you ring me up to say you dont want to see me. Doesnt really add up in my opinion. Cos if you wanted to see me SO badily you wud be asking me to see me now not saying ooh am gone, good luck and this is the last time you will ever get to speak to me. What woman will put up with a guy who plays the 'reject her game' constantly?? when a man takes his woman off the pedestal - he gets a breakup! OK._______________________________WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIMSince these txts and calls - no contact. He has roaming eyes on other women when we go out - I dont react to it cos I figure it could be just a windup to make me jealous and insecure but it makes me sad. He doesnt compliment me anymore and nitpicks my appearance which is bad enough cos when you are pregnant - its so hard when you start to pop out of your normal clothes..He acts like a bachelor so I guess he fears the responsibility of this situation. It was an accident how I conceived cos I had been on the pill. I don't think am over-reacting here. I hate the fact I am more into him then he is into me. I should not have to ask him to take me out either. He never pampers me and when he does, he makes me feel guilty. He appears to hate paying for two when we go for a meal yet he earns 3 times more then I do - is well off. He never cleans up after himself and asks me to wait on him hand and foot - I said no cos I didnt want to feel like his mother. I dont feel I recognise him now - he is so different to how he was in the beginning. Surely he knows he has already let me down during this pregnancy. I am trying to make sense of his behaviour but he is so irrational, I just want to be fair. The question still remains how can the relationship ever be repaired? He drinks too much for my liking. He has probs to face me sober cos 'of his nerves' that is what he tells me. But I told him now if he ever came to my door drunk again, I would get the police on him cos I just cant cope with it. Telling him this has helped cos now he rings before to see if its safe for him to show his face. Am I being too harsh on him?? and is there anything I can do to make this go better with him? We are so on and off the breakups are gone into double figures and I find that alarming. When I break up with him now he doesnt want long time to have passed before re-hooking up...but I told him if I get back with you now..its not going to be different and that is what is bothering me! He is totally mixed up about this baby. Why cant he just be happy?? When he is with me I feel he kind of is excited about the baby but then he messes it up with me by being stale in the romance part of the relationship. Sexually things are great but I have backed off sex until I was more sure of him. This had been helping. I told him didnt want to hurt the baby cos I had had a bleed. Thankfully baby is alright again. Anyway sorry to write loads..thanks to read all..x
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you caring guy...yes I do agree his fears of responsibility are practically destroying whatever is left of the couple. I thought these hiccups would have cleared by now..but instead its like a vicious cycle that keeps to repeat itself and I am at a loss to know why. Surely he wants to try to make me happy at some level or I wonder if he gave up on that just before I conceived. I never phone him now since he put me on call divert. I told him I found it rude but he tried to say it was for the job so I made the point fine you can stick me on call divert during working hrs but not when off...that doesnt add up. Im SO fed up of his behaviour that I have amazingly remained calm and not bothered cos he is not bothering...but yeah like you said am bothered that the baby will not feel loved enough by him too if this is how he is treating me now. I said to him at least..but jesus. Anyway thank you ...
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 October 2009):
No, you're not being too harsh! You're the one who's pregnant here! And he's treating you this way. You actually answered your own question to be honest. He's basically terrified of the responsibilty of being a parent. You need to sit him down and tell him straight that he is going to be a Dad, and you need his help to get you though this, or his child will grow up wondering whether his/her Dad actually loves them or just resents them. He needs a serious reality check here, so make it blunt when you tell him. Also, whatever happens, he is legally reponsible. You need to be calm, but very firm. Tell him is is responsible, he is going to be a Dad and that you need him and love him. If he continues to mess around, don't waste your time chasing him, just focus on yourself and your baby. You are all that counts here, not him and his childish ways. He needs to grow up. Good luck, and take care of yourself and try not to be too stressed, as babies can sense it.
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