A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I'm single and don't have much friends because I've changed colleges and/or churches and/or most people my age I know are married. I'm not perfect but I like to think positive to deal with my health issues and finacial burdens. I've been frustrated and depressed before because of unemployment and having to live with family and things not being the way I want for so long. I've stayed in church believing for better things, I've gone back to college and this year I feel 80% better than last year. The thing is I have this new friend at church who's been living with this guy who abuses her verbally. They have a 2 and a 3 y.old. After 4 years I told her not to get married but she did a couple of months ago and now she is very unhappy because things haven't changed for the better as she thoght. The churhc pastor told her husband things were not going well with them because they were living in sin (having sex without being married) She's unemployed and she doesn't have a car. She feels lonely and is very unhappy. She is trying to get a job (she is a R.N.) I feel sorry for her and I tried to be a good friend but she drains my optimism and happiness. She is not a psycho (not calling me everyday) because I haven't let her but when she does call me or when I get to church to receive positive thigns she is there and sometimes overwhelms me with her problems and I just can't deal with hers and mine. She sometimes makes plans for us to go places but I'm the one who has to go and get her and she lives 45 minutes away from me and I suffer from a debilitating condition that makes me feel fatiged 365 days a year. But I don't go talking about it to people because I believe talking about those things make them bigger and it goes against my christian faith to declare sickness. I have to declare health and it makes me feel better. The problem is she makes me feel like guilty or something. I don't know but I think everytime she talks to me she expects me to run and go and help her bacause I'm unemployed and single. It's like she expects me to talk to her when her husband doesn't talk to her, she expects me to go out with her because her husband doesn't want to go out with her, she expects me to help her with her hyperactive kids and lose focus in church because her husband prefers to play the drums in church when he knows she can't take care of the two kids at church alone. (There's a reason I don't have kids, I'm not crazy about them) She has even joked I'm her partner. I know those jokes mean something deeper because I've studied psychology. This woman is trying to survive the hell she got herself into and use me as an scapegoat and I'm not available for that anymore. Whenever I talk to her she keeps bad mouthing the church, her in-laws who go to the same church, the pastor, etc. And sometimes I go along and do the same, and I don't want to. That's not right. I feel bad afterwards. It's like she tempts me. Before she got married we had a plan that I would help her find a place and government help for abused women so she could leave the house. But she went ahead and got married and didn't tell me after a while. Now she is more furstrated. But she doesn't ask me for anything in specific. If she had a clear plan I might help her but I dont' want to be her scapegoat and go to church to return home more depressed.It doesn't matter how positive I am or how I help her, each time I talk to this woman I end up feeling an emotional burden and something very negative. I want her out of my life. She has a good relationship with her sister and a brother (whos' a social worker) I don't know why she doesn't ask them for help instead of me. I've tried to help her but I'm not going to carry her problems with me when she is a professional and she should've known better. She's turning 31 in a couple of weeks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010): Hi, Thanks for your advice. You gave me the reassurance I needed. It's kind of cruel but I guess it's the only way to deal with this person.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010): You sound like a very caring, kind, church going sort of person, so this may sound a tad cynical and harsh.
In the "48 Laws of Power," Robert Greene (author) has a chapter dedicated to pretty much dealing with your situation. "Law 10: Infection: Avoid the Unhappy and Unlucky" talks about how certain people in this world act like drowning victims - bringing anyone around them who tries to help, down with them. No matter how much effort you invest in these people, they bring you down in the process.
His advice? Avoid such people like the plague and if you get involved with them and notice them dragging you down, cut them out of your life like a cancerous tumor. Sounds harsh (I know), but if you don't, you risk your own way of life.
Personally, its happened to me. I haven't always had the greatest/easiest life, and I know what struggle is about, but I've consistently tried to see the positive in things and turn adversity into advantage. But I've been somewhat "friends" with people who, for lack of a better word, were always "mopy". And after a while, it begins to infect you and your attitude/behavior/outlook and gets annoying. After I read 48 laws of power, I realized what was going on and begain to phase such people out of my life (never did anything bad to them, just began to ignore them/got busy with other things). Since then, I've been better able to deal with my own problems.
Just my two cents.
Cheers.
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