A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Let me preface this by saying that she has gone into hibernation or "no contact" mode for days or a week or two before on several occasions, but this time around I have a feeling that she could have "moved on".We've been dating for many years but not living together, so we're not always in each others face; she has fairly busy work schedule and so do I from time to time. One thing that stood out the last year or so is her incessant complaining about everything, be it her friends her work, her daughter, and she has this inability to express her feelings from time to time. She just sits there, observes, and lets thing fall apart "to prove" that she was right all along.I noticed her vacillating between being very affectionate with me and then blowing me off. She often says that "I don't get her" and it takes a special man to understand and grasp her. Make no mistake about it: she's very charming, successful, and she appears extremely level headed from outward appearances, but in reality she's a bundle of an emotional mess. Her affection and attentiveness towards me seems planned at times, but her passion for me is the real deal. She just doesn't want to deal with the hard parts in life.She told me the other day that she's going through a serious rough patch in her life and needs some space. I know that she has a lot on her plate (daughter, work), but shouldn't you want to reach out to your significant other for support? It doesn't make any sense. When she's gone she's gone! She treats me like I'm not there, until she comes back around
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe reason I was content being with her and the dynamics of the relationship has to do with my independent nature. It was very physical from the get go, and we both decided to keep it that way. Over time, feelings began to develop for both of us, although moving in together and starting a life was never a priority; she's very independent and likes her space too.
What bothers me more than anything is this almost pathological behavior of cutting me off like I don't exist. I consider her a good friend above all, so why resort to behavior with the obvious intention of hurting me? You are correct in your assessment regarding me being more into the relationship than she is, and I was okay with that. I just feel a bit empty now because I haven't seen her in a while.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2015): So then why do you want to be with her long term?If you can maybe leave it as sex and passion and not expect anything more from the relationship, you could keep having sex with her and not expect much else? Our expectations are what kill relationships.Can you just hang in for the ride?Is this too hard for you?Let me ask you this.DO YOU LOVE HER?Are you willing to put up with her behaviour?Because if you DO and she doesn't love you back, you are always going to struggle and you are always going to question her and be upset by her behaviour. I am afraid she is not ever going to change.She is not in this relationship the way you are.And deep down, you are not truly happy. This is why you are here.It is difficult because relationships progress and people start to want more from each other. Especially when it begins as sex. Trust me. I am there myself. Or at least one person starts to want more. It seems unbalanced and in her favour. She is the one calling the shots since she is emotionally distant. In fact I sometimes think emotionally abusive/manipulative.Either you accept it for what it is or you leave. This is what I have been told.Because changing her and the situation will be difficult, and maybe not possible. Whatever issues she has are hers. I think she might need some sort of counselling to help her sort herself out. It isn't up to you.Am I making some fair assumptions?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@anonymous.......this hot and and cold phenomena has been a recurring issue in our relationship, but my main gripe is the hibernation or silent treatment mode that she deploys. It's downright rude and selfish. She knows that I'm trying to reach to her, but she acts as if I don't exist. Then out of the blue she's there again acting as if nothing ever happened. Our relationship was predicated on sex and passion, which has grown into a strong friendship. She's emphatic about not wanting to get married again, although she also complains about feeling lonely. It's not me......trust me. There's something going on in her head that only she can resolve, and I honestly think that she doesn't know what she wants. Her circle of friends is also dwindling because he gets tired of people rather fast. She's not one to make up and move on but she holds a grudge and writes people off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2015): It seems to me you do not have an actual and traditional commitment toward each other. So there is a lot of gray area in the relationship with respect to expectations and boundaries.Most couples do live together after "many years" as relationships progress. So, who is the commitment-phobe here? You? Or her? Both? And WHY?It seems to me you have a quasi-relationship, perhaps enjoying the sexual benefits in addition to being friends?I just see this as both of you holding back for whatever reason.Do you show her enough attention? Affection? Do you make her feel safe? Ever told her you love her? Are you actually officially a couple? And talked about this?Women distance themselves when they do not feel safe. When they are afraid of being hurt. When they feel the relationship is not meeting their needs and neither are you. Are you hurting her in some way? Does she resent you or your actions and is pulling away?Perhaps there were some subtle signs throughout the course of the relationship but I suspect she may have been distancing herself all along, letting go gradually. Maybe she was not ready to do that before and now she is ready?How did it get to this point?No, when a woman is going through a rough patch in her life, she does not ignore her significant other. You are correct. She leans on him for support. Why does she feel she cannot lean on you? Why does she run away from you?I believe situations are two sided. I would like to know what part you play in this.Are you married?She may come back around because she would rather not be alone at the end of the day. But still needs her space. I am not even sure she knows what she wants. Perhaps you are her little piece of paradise to help her through the pain. But you are simply not enough.I do not believe healthy relationships function this way. Yes couples need to do their own thing occasionally but she is giving you some pretty strong messages. That you do not get her. That it takes a special man to understand her. And sorry to say it looks like that man is not you. Another possibility is she could be trying to manipulate you by saying these things into getting you to do what she wants, which you are not doing.Nobody wants to deal with the hard stuff. But somehow she does not feel close enough to you even after many years to open up and share her burdens. It does not seem like she fully trusts you.I would have a talk with her the next time she comes back around. Do you want it to continue this way? Questioning it all? Or do you want answers? Only she can answer these questions.I think it might be time to either let this relationship progress to something more serious or maybe walk away. Unless you are happy in a perpetual state of limbo.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2015): Is her zodiac sign Scorpio? They are known to disappear from time to time.
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reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 June 2015):
 So this has been going on for all those "many years" you have been dating? If so, why is it any different now than "usual"?
It seems like an odd relationship where two people CHOOSE to not live together after MANY years of dating, but I suppose each to their own, my guess is though that she feels ENTITLED to do as she please as there is little commitment between you. So if she feels she can't handle BOTH her relationship with you... AND work/family/responsibilities I can see why YOU are the first to go, at least till she decides that she likes having you around.
I am not sure if her "needing space" is her telling you she doesn't want anything to do with you any more, or ... her actually needing space. Again I don't understand a relationship where you "need" space but can't be bothered to return a call. TO me... at least it would mean the relationship is over.
However, if this is how you two have carried on for many years... it really is hard to say.
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