A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I have been in a romantic affair with a lovely man for 9 months. He was the one doing all the running, and gave me a lot. I never gave him the pleasure of an answer as to how serious we were, and he kept asking me whether I would marry him.I was rude to him, evasive, and at times abusive. I am not an easy person and relationships scare me. I am not young, and neither is he. But while he is an open book, I am a torn, complicated person. However, we stayed together but I started to trigger fights with him over petty things. We became aggressive toward each other, verbally abusive, angrier and angrier. I used to apologise. And he would always take me back. About 2 weeks ago , I abused him verbally and created a fight. I really went very far. Then I got a nasty flu right after it so I told him I was very sick, and that I did not have a chance to apologise.He kept calling me to enquire about the flu but would not talk personal matters. I did not ask to see him either. He called him the last time about 10 days ago (we still have NOT seen each other after the fight!). He was ANGRY and told me he was travelling. (Usually I know ALL his travel plans but this time he was calling from the airport, i.e. he ignored to tell me he was travelling).I told him Oh OK. I am sorry I have a lot of problems at the moment. He told me '' I am sincere and very willing to help you. Please let me know if you need me.He then also sent me message saying he was genuinely willing to be there for me.I ignored his message. And have not spoken to him since.In the past, I would have PLEADED with him and said I am so sorry. This time I DID NOT CALL. Everytime I think of calling him, something stops me. probably I am scared of going back to being with him.He has stopped calling. Maybe because he had enough of my nasty character, OR, he is waiting for me to make the first step , especially that he DID offer his support EVENTHOUGH I was the one to insult him and I never even apologised.What is happening? Do I call to apologise? What if he is nasty? I don't want to argue with him. Will seeing him open up a can of worms?Is it NICE to just dump him after 9 months ? He gave me so much? or, did HE dump me and was just calling to enquire about the flu. I am confused. I am sorry about the LONG post. Just felt like unloading. thanks for any input.
View related questions:
affair Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007): Thank you so much for all your useful answers. Great food for thought. I still have not rang him, not out of PRIDE and EGO but because I GENUINELY don't know what I want to achieve. Do I want him back? I sincerely don't know.I have done work for him for which I did not charge him. A part of me (the one that feels dumped) wants to invoice him . I believe it is my right. But, I have not done that yet. I am probably stalling for time.Thanks for the psychological angle which is SO true. Yes, I tend to go overboard with rage, then strangely, I feel so good afterwards. People who know me well usually understand and they all come back. He did, too. But NOT this time. Let's see what happens. Again, many thanks for reading me and taking the time to answer.
A
male
reader, DV1  +, writes (24 May 2007):
 He wasn't calling to ask about your flu. Really. He had something else on his mind, and he kept losing the courage that he worked up to talk to you. The ball is in your court right now. I just got out of a relationship where the girl was "complicated". Nobody is that complicated. It comes down to choices. If you wanted someone to care about, who also treated you well, you would be with him right now. The bottom line is that you wanted to be able to tell your friends that you tried and it didn't work out. The truth is that you looked for every possible excuse for the relationship not to work. He had a right to be angry, because he was giving you feelings, and not knowing if they were even being returned. The first time he asked you to marry him, you had the choice to say either: "Let's get engaged and wait until we're ready", or just: "no". It's partially his fault for coming back, but when you're blinded by love for someone, it's hard not to. When it boils down to it, you have a HUGE fear of commitment. If you care about him at all, you'll either get over it, and be willing to take a chance, or you have to make choice number two.
Choice number two is that you need to let him find someone who can return the love that he's obviously looking for. I'm suprised that it took so long for him not to bother. I would have stopped after the first two chances.
Right now, the ball is in your court, and you need to decide whether to be a child, or whether to be a grown up.
DV1
...............................
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (24 May 2007):
 I think you should dump him, or mutually dump each other. Not for nasty reasons but because it is obviously you are both fundamentally incapable of holding down a relationship that doesn't cycle around fights followed by apologies followed by more abuse. It is a negative destructive pattern that doesn't serve any benefit to either of you. He need to find someone a bit more passive and less emotionally mixed up, and you need to find some counselling to sort out your personal issues for your own well-being. You won't be able to be a good partner to anyone until you have learned how to relate to people in a different way. You cannot be happy the way you are so maybe this relationship breakup is a useful trigger to get some help. Good luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007): Hello there. What you wrote rang lots of bells with me. I have been in trouble the same way as you, the damage of past relationships made me feel unworthy and I would test people by pushing them away. I wanted to confirm that I did not deserve them so it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. The rage that sits inside from the past comes out. I still struggle, particularly when hormonal but I am seeing my old counsellor to find tools to get around it. I have come on masses and you can too.
This person that has been so nice with you does not deserve what you are doing, but I understand that you can't stop yourself. You need to do some work on your problems, it is completely obvious that is the case.
I think you should call him and tell him how much you appreciate everything he has done. He really needs to know, he deserves thanks. Keep the emphasis on thanking him and focussing on him. Do not focus on you by apologising and making it all about you. I know it is subtle but please do what I say. ONLY call to thank him, NOT to talk about yourself. You have done enough of that and although you do feel sorry there is nothing you can do with words that will help.
Tell him that if the time is right and he is open to it, you would like to be in touch with him properly again some time. Until then perhaps you will call occasionally to see how he is doing.
If that is OK with him then do exactly that. Call him every week or so and chat, about him, make him feel good and do not shower him with emotion or issues. Do not get panicked about time passing, there is not way you should rush at him, he will just move further from you.
During that time you can do some work on yourself and see a psychologist. You need one who does cognitive behavioural therapy as well - you will see why when you look into it.
You need to stop displaying your damage, it is not attractive, you need to work through it or it will pop out like a monster without notice. When you are emotionally resilient you can be the partner he deserves, but it is not your fault that you are in this situation. Make the call to organise therapy (check his/her qualifications and that you can get the cbt) and make the call to thank your friend.
...............................
A
female
reader, nicola79 +, writes (24 May 2007):
 you know what it sounds like to me? like you like him to chase you around. please before i continue,i am not being nasty to you and as i dont know you i will not judje you ok?
it seems like you love it when he rings and askes you how you are and if you can see eachother,but soon as he doesnt ring you and like he went away,you seem to panic and wonder if he still likes you. have you seen somone over your anger? i think you should because its sooooooo hard to find a nice and loving bloke in this world,and it seems like you have one but are just about to loose him.
take a deep breath and get him rung,tell him you care about him and thank him for what he has done for you. everytime you feel yourself getting angry at him,just relax and just think how you would feel if it was the other way round.
you seem a nice woman and i do hope you will be happy.
one more thing,if you do not want to be with him you must think hard before,but if you dont want him. let him down nicely and maybe he will be happy with someone else.
i wish you all the best flower.
love nicola.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
...............................
|
