A
female
age
36-40,
*abs1
writes:I've been single for three years. The first year was nice, because I was finding my own life after getting out of a long, young, horribly bad relationship (only one ever). Now I've wanted to be with somebody and have a healthy relationship for years but just can't seem to.. do it..? I go out a lot, hang out with different friends, I'm outgoing and personable, but I'm never interested in anyone enough to see more than once or twice. The few times i have met someone that I thought i would be interested in getting to know past the basics, it was a friend of someone I just started seeing, and obviously wasn't that interested in. I've been patient and trying to wait it out, but somehow I feel like maybe my last relationship and being single so long, has left me bitter in some way, or maybe desperate seeming. Maybe subconsciously I talk to guys I know won't like that much as defense thing. I don't know what the problem is but something is definitely wrong that I have no idea how to fix. I just want what it seems like everyone has or has had. Any thoughts would be appreciated and helpful Reply to this Question
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (27 September 2011):
My instincts tell me you are correct in a hunch you have - that you might be seeking out guys you aren't really that into. This would relate to the fact that you don't see them more than once or twice before losing interest. This is most likely a defense.
Your current set up is driven by both comfort and past fears. You have gotten used to being on your own which is comfortable, easy, predictable and safe. You fear having the problems you had in your past relationship, although you know what you actually want and aren't likely to recreate your past mistakes, there is still the fear that your next relationship will be bad too, or have bad times. At the very least, it is a risk, which all relationships are and it is normal to be scared to start a new one, but in your case it is helping you more to stay in your comfort zone.
There are other factors too - it is easy to meet people at school, and when you are younger, but the older you get into your 20's the more difficult it becomes. The way people relate has changed in the last 5 years too, with more social networking and communication over technology, people are finding it harder and harder to express themselves and relate and communicate in relationships. There are other forces too, and some of these forces are acting against you more than others. It is proabably less of a case of you being bitter or desperate, though these can be factors, it is more likely that it isn't simple to find people who you can truly relate too. There are many people in your situation.
The way to "fix" it involves many different steps, it is not a simple solution. Part of it is doing some of the things you have done already, some of them are things you will still need to work on. Such as: learning to be happy on your own, to be confident in who you are, and to like yourself. Then, to be able to go out and meet people in different settings, to be open to introducing yourself and talking to people, connecting. It can help to be able to do this without an agenda, without feeling like you are secretly interviewing every person you speak to, rather, that you are just open to meeting people and having spontaneous connections and conversations. Putting yourself out there can include online dating, joining activity groups, taking up social hobbies, going out dancing or clubbing, joining a society, etc. Make it part of your life, that you spend a certain amount of time a week doing, as part of a balanced healthy life.
It doesn't happen overnight, but just put yourself out there and when you are ready and the time is right it will happen.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 September 2011):
 you may have re-ordered your life in such a way to create things exactly the way you like it. And maybe you have been living your life according to 'no compromises'. This may well have made you more confident. So perhaps you are still attracted to men who were the type you chose earlier when you were prepared to tolerate a little more.
You have become the woman you want to be. So continue the 'no compromises and confident approach.
But move further afield to find your perfect guy.
You may find that you now appeal more to a more confident and self assured guy than your ex.
This may not be a bad thing.
You may have left behind the sort of guys who could turn out to be your like your ex.
Don't go looking in all the old familiar places like before. Instead Do some things. Offer to Caddy for a friend playing golf. Attend the gym. Get involved in a volunteer role where you get to meet fit energetic guys, maybe doing something in the community, for the community.
Aim to meet guys with a sense of purpose, with passion, with soaring joy in their hearts. Goal orientated men. Who are not intimidated by a confident woman.
Life is an evolving process. There are perfect guys (plural) out there for you. They are just not as into expecting you to ''become obedident' forthem.
Keep evolving and don't think you need to change. You just need to get out doing things where you are likely to meet the kind of man you really need.
Best wishes
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A
female
reader, chrysie  +, writes (26 September 2011):
 first of all try meeting up with friends more often. Not friends who have known u 4 years. But someone who u have recently met. Try online sites. Get close. Spend more time talking 2 a person who intrests u. Things will be fine.
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