A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Has anyone been able to gain there confidence at such a later part in your life and been truly happy?I have been in a rut and stuck in life for years now. I didn't realise how much hope and spark I'd lost in life.. I go to work come back waste time get up go to work rinse and repeat. Which isn't too bad as you can distract yourself from your issue's in life.. Low ambition, no major drive, no direction and no confidence with women.. I've gotten so used to over the years.But the other day I asked out this girl I fancied at a store and to my surprise she said yes and gave me her number. I was so shocked I got it and was polite and just went (but she was at work) anyway briefly that night I had this feeling I'd forgot for ages.. Hope! Possibly excitement too but it was so nice to have this slight buzz. Anyway I sent a text got a reply I sent another now nothing so I fudged up somehow.I know deep down I need to work on so much with myself but my god times running out and it's so difficult when your, your own worse enemy..So has anyone struggled with life for so long and actually managed to turn your life around for the better? Or is it just easier to keep your life mundane with no ups and downsThank you
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 September 2021):
 Find things that YOU enjoy (other than dating and such) things you CAN do alone but also SHARE with others.
Learn a skill or a language. Doesn't matter what (other than something you are interested in of course). KEEP working on you.
You talked to a girl at a shop (where she worked?) If so, don't. She is there to work, she is PAID to be polite. Now that doesn't mean she wasn't interested but I'd say in general don't try and get a phone number or date from someone who is WORKING in a place where you are a customer. Because if it doesn't work out, it's awkward for BOTH of you every time you go shopping. I worked as a bartender in my 20's and I can not EXPRESS how uncomfortable it was to get hit on when I was there to serve drinks and work. I NEVER gave out my number and we had a big jar of phone numbers from guys who gave us theirs. I never look at any of them twice. Some got upset, some didn't.
Now I do think if a girl gives you her number she could be interested but she could also just be the kind of girl who doesn't know HOW to be polite AND say: "no you can't have my number". And I don't know WHAT you texted her that made her NOT reply back. So hard to gauge her at all.
I know my middle daughter (who is now 19) and my youngest daughter (17) have felt "pressured" into giving a guy their number when they really didn't want to. My Middle one (who is pretty assertive) learned to say no thanks when she got approached by men who were in their 30's WHILE at work. One even found her on Facebook and messaged her. He was 35 and married. It's ABSURD!
So consider OTHER places to meet people. (not suggesting dating apps) but ACTUAL places where you could meet others.
I'm not "shaming you" for asking for her number or asking her out. But just consider that HER workplace might not BE the best place to do so. Or give HER your number. That way you leave the ball in HER court.
This girl didn't work out but that doesn't mean the next one won't.
I know some people might not like him, but I think "12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos" by Jordan B Peterson is a book worth reading for people who feel a bit lost in life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2021): Well done!
Life will not change by itself.
You need to do it.
Take small steps. Try. You won’t be worse off then you are now.
I’m 45 and a woman but I could have written your post in certain aspects. I’m blessed with a wonderful husband and I NEVER take this blessing for granted. But. Ever since we moved to France 15 years ago my life has been in a rut. I am so isolated from everyone. I haven’t managed to make a professional network or network of friends in my private life. I have only two people I am in regular contact with and my husband even less. Our friends are abroad and we see them rarely. So... for longest time I felt so defeated by life. I used to have a career before and here it’s been a string of meaningless jobs.
But... if I am being honest, we were so focused on surviving that we had no energy left to build what most people would consider a normal life! So wherever you put your energy the results come! Inevitably. When I look back I realize how lucky we were even though the hand we had been dealt with was less than mediocre.
But on to your question.
The only aspect in my life I am happy with is my marriage.
I was always content in my love life because somehow -I have no idea why and how since I lack self confidence - I always believed that I can stay true to myself and that I will be loved and respected. This doesn’t mean than I knew no loss. I did. But I never felt discouraged by it because I have had this firm belief that if someone doesn’t want me, then it’s for the better!
I wish I had this attitude when my career was in question. But due to the circumstances I believed I had to accept jobs I was unhappy with that were far bellow my level of education... go figure.
So life can change for the better if we change it.
Just keep putting yourself out there!
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (3 September 2021):
 For most of my twenties my life was very lonely, boring and uneventful, never meeting the right partner was a major issue for me. Then out of the blue I met my future husband. We married and had children and I was so happy, life completely changed for the better.
I always think it's easier for a man on his own than for a woman on her own. There seem to be so many social activities for men, mostly sports, but if you can find something you like such as cycling, football etc you would enter into a different world where you will meet others and be included on social events etc.
Do not doubt yourself with regard to women. Some will like you and some will not. None of them know you until they get to talk to you properly. Just be yourself, try to be positive with them and don't run yourself down. Try to find some subjects that you both have in common and can discuss. Be natural and honest, it's what women prefer, they don't like big heads who are full of themselves.
Time is not running out for you....you've got years ahead of you, you just need to get your act together and become an interesting person by getting some sort of hobby, as I suggested, and then you will have something to talk about, focus on and look forward to.
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (3 September 2021):
For most of my twenties my life was very lonely, boring and uneventful, never meeting the right partner was a major issue for me. Then out of the blue I met my future husband. We married and had children and I was so happy, life completely changed for the better.
I always think it's easier for a man on his own than for a woman on her own. There seem to be so many social activities for men, mostly sports, but if you can find something you like such as cycling, football etc you would enter into a different world where you will meet others and be included on social events etc.
Do not doubt yourself with regard to women. Some will like you and some will not. None of them know you until they get to talk to you properly. Just be yourself, try to be positive with them and don't run yourself down. Try to find some subjects that you both discuss
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