A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been into an arranged marriage for last 7 years, having 2 beautiful daughters whom i love a lot. I always thought my wife was not the right choice for me by my parents, but eventually i just accepted it and was going on with life pretty well.2 months back, on a business trip, i met a girl, who was in deep financial trouble and had gone into some wrong ways of making money. I helped her get over all that shit in her life, financially as well as by giving her emotional support.I never told her that I am married, and now it looks like we have fallen in love with each other. She has been wanting to have a physical relationship with me thinking I will marry her. But so far I've avoided that by telling her that i cannot have sex with her untill we marry. I don't want to cheat her. I just want to stay close to her, and make sure she is happy.She is from a different religion, we both agreed niether she will convert into my religion nor would I, but she initially showed some reservation about my religion as men can marry and have 3 wives.Now my dilemma's are:1) In my religion polygamy is allowed, i feel like i should marry her, but not sure whether she will accept me when she comes to know that i am already married.?2) I dont want to divorce my wife at all because of my children. I know that my wife will somehow accept it because I am financially very very well set. I can keep both of them pretty happy.Bottom line is I really love this girl a lot and I want to see her happy in life, I would do anything to keep her happy, she has gone through a hell in her past.Has anyone gone through such a turmoil in life ? Any suggestions would be welcomed.
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (20 August 2008):
 That's the problem - your first lie about being not married. You were then stuck with that forever, and everything has snowballed from there. I can't write now but will write more later and give you my thoughts. Hang in there. It will be OK at some point. It's just seeing your way there that is important now.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): Hi Natasia,Thanks for your input! I even thought of keeping them both in seprate countries to hide it from her atleast and I can speak up the truth with my wife. I can visit india periodically and pretend to her that I am going for some office visit and spend time with my family once in a month.But howlong do you think i can hide this from her ? I don't think i can hide this for the entire life!Yes you are right, I am not sure whether I am too good or not. We both stay in seprate cities. My present mental state is very bad, I talk to her everyday for atleast 2-3 hours a day, and she is so happy about it, she discusses with me how we will stay happily together after i marry her very innocently, and this is killing me! Why did i lie to her at the first place ? I guess it was love at first sight and I was afraid of losing her. Everyone around me has already started getting hints that all is not well with me.I am really trying hard to get a solution to this....
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (19 August 2008):
I can see where you are going with this. Can you just marry the girl, and also keep your wife? Your religion says you can, but you know that although your wife wd accept it (after all, she married you knowing the religion), the girl most likely wouldn't at all. In fact, if you ever told her you already had a wife, she would probably reject you completely, or get into a complete mess over it. So you do have a dilemma, yes, because actually it looks as though marrying her and keeping her happy and giving her everything and NOT ruining her life would be the best and kindest thing to do ... the only con is that you would have to lie to her forever, or tell her and risk ruining her life again.
Oh dear. The moralists will say: you must tell her the truth right now and for sure you will probably lose her, and certainly she won't marry you, and she may go into a spiral of decline again, but hey, she'll know the TRUTH. And how can you base a marriage on lies??????
I am partly with them, but then I am also a realist. If you take it from the perspective of what would be best for the girl, then marrying you and never knowing about yr 1st wife would be best. Can you lie like that, though? (I'm not counting your 1st wife's happiness in quite the same way here, as it was an arranged deal and as such you both were probably quite pragmatic about it, and her situation isn't going to be changed apart from knowing you are with someone else ... would she mind??).
Oh dear. I don't know if you are very bad or very good. I bet you don't, either.
You simply can't break that girl's heart now, though. You just can't. Mine has recently been broken, and believe me, I would far rather have been blissfully happy and ignorant of facts that would upset me, as long as I was loved. And it sounds like you do love her, very much.
But if you went ahead and she ever found out about your first wife, that wd destroy her, too. Can you keep such a thing from her?
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