A
female
age
36-40,
*lexia846
writes:Hi I was wondering if anyone has felt this way or if anyone can make me realize what these feelings were.During my last course in graduate school ( i was 24) I landed in this class; my last class thesis class, before I had to graduate. Either way I went in the class just thinking, "Okay lets bang this out" I have everything I want now and almost have this degree too!. In the course of my graduate program my ex had come back i had survived a meltdown(he left me, was super emotionally abusive, we dated for five years and in the middle of the program he left) Anyways to make the story short before I entered that thesis class I was a woman who had just come out of a storm "survived and finally gotten what i wanted. he man came back to me, I was able to finally finish my program for my parent to make them happy and prove that i was not a loser, and finally I could get a new job." So when i entered that class I was in the mindset that Im getting ready to go back and finally get my life as it was, but it all changed.Everytime I went in my class i started to notice my instructor more and more(he is not a professor by the way) not on looks. I mean at first he was good looking but i mean nothing that i would stop by and notice on a regular day, but as time went by, his words started to grow on me. He seemed to know exactly what i was feeling which was weird. Every class we would do a reflection process on our papers and one day i was like "Well it feels like im speaking a different language with people" and he was like it must feel lonely. It was so weird it was as if for the first time someone could see through my sadness. Every class he would inspire me and he seemed to make me want to do good and better and believe in myself. Anyways the class ended and he said that he was very impressed wth my thesis work and the change I had made within myself; that meant the world to me. He was older he was 37 and i was 25, but for some reason it felt as though he had gone through a sinilar route or path, and that made him to me sooo attractive. When i saw him at graduation i had lost my breath i was so nervous, i couldnt talk, I not only thought he was cute but I felt you know like the cheesy movvies say "head over heels" I was simply smitten and still am. WOW.. has anyone felt this way, i mean I would never have the guts to say anything to him because even though i modeled and looked like a barbie doll for my ex, im still insecure. But this man made me not want to be that insecure woman anymore. I left my ex, but I still daydream about the instructor..Has anyone felt this way? I mean i felt this weird connection at least on my part and honestly ALL I DO is daydream about findng someone like him. It is amazing that after so many years and money no one was able to change me, but here comesthis stranger, and BOOM i become this differnet woman withing three months. Its crazy but I felt like those little kids int he playground on cloud twelve just by looking at him. No one had ever made me feel like that. I spent five years with a man and just by looking at this intructor it doesnt even come close.Has anyone felt this? Is this just a sad little kid crush, cause honestly it really changed me, i mean i know i;ll sadly never see this man again since he ahas a gf and obviously im too insecure, but do you guys feel these feelings? and do you think i'll ever feel em for anyone?
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crush, emotionally abusive, insecure, money, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2011): Well...maybe a PhD then? Or a second Masters degree in an area that is more for your enjoyment rather than as a means to get a job. Sorry, I'm being slightly cheeky, here as I'm not trying to push you into more education if you don't want it, but you sound like you have a lot of curiosity for learning more about how femininity - including your own - works and it seems a shame not to put it to good use. I don't know what your masters course was in but was it one that you were enjoying? That's not the impression that I get, apart from this final class that you took. From what you describe about your experiences it sounds like you might enjoy learning more about other women's experiences and struggles to be understood, especially by men. Or you may even want to read some books about female experience - novels I mean, but good ones rather than chick-lit 'trash'? Maybe you could take your curiosity, more formally, into a related area, such as female representation in literature for example? Or female psychology? Or maybe you might want to do some voluntary work with other women, just to get less of a feeling of being alone with it all. There really is a massive area of learning involving female experiences - I don't necessarily mean feminism - and their struggles to be respected in different ways. It might help you to feel less alone with it all and it might help you in future to filter out guys that you know will be no good for you and to aim, instead, for the one's that want to genuinely love a whole woman, not just lust after a body. It may also be that you would benefit from some counselling as well - this might help you to understand yourself more and to become more assertive about being respected for ALL of you in a relationship in future.
A
female
reader, alexia846 +, writes (26 September 2011):
alexia846 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank your for your resposnse as it was very helpful. That was my masters degree that i had done, and honestly i feel like a different woman since then. I never feltgood enough for anyone and somehow that class made me FEEL for the first time, and it changed me as a woman. He truly was an amazing teacher and sometimes it was so weird becuase he seemed to sense everything I felt or at least appeared to understand it when my ex of fiveyears seemed lost on it. Its hard because i sit back and think what the heck just happened, like was this even real all of a sudden i wake up one day and my life changes within a class. and sometimes you think wow id love to see that man again who cares what he looks like and how old he is you know... for the first time it felt like someone didnt see just my looks but actually gave me a chance to say something and not laugh at it...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2011): You describe yourself as having done modelling and having previously looked like a Barbie Doll for your ex, who was abusive. It also sounds like you have had a troublesome relationship with your parents in the past, as you mention having to prove to them that you are not a loser.You also mention that your attitude was, when you started, one that was centred purely around getting through the course only so that you could graduate and get a job. It sounds as though the man in question has simply done his job very well in the sense that he has shown you that education is not just about learning and repeating information by heart so that you get a piece of paper that acts as passport to an income from a job. It also sounds like he was the first person in your life to encourage you, in whatever way, to value yourself as a whole person and to begin to understand that your feelings of self worth AND your intelligence are totally connected to your sexuality and not separated off as you previously thought. The way that you describe yourself before sounds very one-dimensional and victim like. However, you also sound as if you are very determined and that you had made a decision to somehow turn your life around. You had already, therefore, "paved the way" for an encounter like this...what I mean is that, in a kind of naive way, you had already set the scene for something like this to happen, although it probably seems like the opposite to you.Why not try for a masters degree? Maybe not immediately and maybe part-time whilst you work? You are still young by the sounds of it and only just learning how fulfilling it can be to have someone appreciate ALL of your dimensions, not just your physicality. When really great teachers teach, this is what they want to give to students. Not all teachers are like this, but it is essentially the mark of a great teacher that they really want to put you on a path of 'self discovery' because they know that your whole life stands to be enhanced and the quality of that life will be so much richer. And you, in turn, are far more likely to pass on that sense of enrichment to other people and, basically, make for a better world. If this really was the first time that this happened for you then you might feel a sense of loss or powerlessness temporarily because you will be thinking that only this one man is able to give you that feeling. But he was only able to do this because some part of you wanted it. If you make the effort in future you will see that there are so many people who have different variations of this same quality...but you will have to filter a lot away and you will have to make the effort as well. You might also feel that this is confusing because it all seems wrapped up with how you feel sexually...but it is just the start of something...call it a journey... something that you can develop through learning. And yes, you will be able to meet someone like him, with intelligence and sensitivity to match your own. Your confidence will grow and your insecurity will diminish, but only if you make the effort...otherwise you may spend the rest of your life thinking "what was that?" when in fact it is clear that it was a wake up call to the kind of woman that you could become in future.
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