A
female
age
41-50,
*ourandahalfyears
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 years. I travel a lot for work, and for the last few months when I return from a trip, instead of enjoying each other's company after the long break, we seem to just be arguing. I think the trouble really started when I moved 3,000 miles from my hometown to be with him. The move was a huge sacrifice for me - new job, new friends, new everything. Things haven't been going well in this new city; if I weren't in a relationship with him, I would have moved years ago. Now, every time he gets his way about something, I resent it. I feel like everything I do for him goes unappreciated; he says thank you, but then he doesn't reciprocate. With all of this fighting, and my own seemingly uncontrollable feelings of resentment, I feel like the only thing we can do is break up. It's too much stress - for both of us. He's moving to Germany at the end of the summer, and I'll be traveling for work. We'll be apart for 2 months, and then 4 months next year. We're in the process of packing up all of our stuff, which would make breaking up a lot easier logistically. But then I know if we were to break up, I'd feel so sick about it. I feel absolutely no relief about a possible break up. He's the best friend I've ever had, and I love him more than I've ever loved anyone else. But now I'm always in a bad mood, and I feel like the only way to save ourselves is to get away from each other. What should I do? Has anybody else dealt with feelings of resentment? What did you do?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 June 2011):
 You have everything spot on. Just let go off all the baggage and when you are feeling stressed out about things either talk to your dad or avoid your boyfriend. Your dad's advice was spot on. Time to let go of the past and look forward to a happy future. Believe in yourself you can do it. All the best.
A
female
reader, fourandahalfyears +, writes (28 June 2011):
fourandahalfyears is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. You're right - we are going through a lot of changes this year, and I should just be focusing on the future. You asked what we've been arguing about, and well, it's pretty much everything. I can't even really think of any solid examples, because sometimes we argue about nonsense, sometimes it's actually really important. It's usually because one or both of us is being too stubborn. I already did explode on Saturday, and the argument just got out of control. We're hardly speaking to each other even after 3 days, which is a first.
You also asked if I had anybody to talk to about my problems. I talked to my dad about it, and he told me not to take it so seriously - to just stay out of each other's way while things are busy and stressful, and just get together when we want to have a good time. We are getting ready to move, and to add to that stress, it meant finding renters for his condo, and remodeling, painting, etc. So maybe it's just timing? My dad was pretty lighthearted about the situation. Then again, he's been divorced 3 times. But he seems to relate to my boyfriend really well, so maybe it's good advice. Maybe his wives were like me, always feeling like we need to "deal" with stuff, when it's better to leave it alone.
Either way, your advice is also making me consider the fact that I'm hanging on to whatever happened in the past, and it's time for me to move on. I'm going to do my best to just keep looking forward and try not to repeat some of the same mistakes I made before - as long as I'm making choices that I feel good about, I shouldn't have any reason to feel resentful. Thanks for your help!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (28 June 2011):
It sounds to me like you do love and care about your boyfriend and it would be a real shame to end a relationship just because of your resentment and off course a bit of distance. The distance will be hard but by the sounds of it you both are doing that at the minute anyway. You haven't been clear on why you are both arguing but I guess you obviously just feel very fed up and feel like you are the one making all the big commitments while he is just moving along with it. Off course you are going to resent this. but this is not healthy as when you have been away and get back well then you and your boyfriend should be having a blast of a time, there should be no arguments in sight.
You have pretty much made it clear that you are not happy living in the area that you are in now. But if you are both moving very soon, well then why resent that you made that move I think it would be better to accept that you cannot change the past now but you can look forward to your future. If you are unhappy talk to him about it and tell him exactly how you are feeling.
Is there anyone besides your partner that you can talk to. Maybe a friend? Talk to them and tell them how you are feeling. They might be able to put a little perspective on things for you and make you see things more clearly. But you do really need to be able to open up to your boyfriend before you explode and tell him exactly how you are feeling. You need communication in a relationship in order for it to work. But also remember that you need to hear his side as well and listen to him to see how he feels about the situation and maybe you can both meet down the middle.
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