A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I live in a somewhat small town. Not middle of no where town with 500 people but if you grew up there, you knew everyone in your age group, more or less. I kept to myself Im my teens and 20s, it seemed liked everyone knew each other's business so it was refreshing to move somewhere where I didn't know anyone. Well that didn't work out for a number of reasons like expenses and such. I return back to my area to be near my family when I meet up with some from school that I never really knew too well.I met up with someone from town that I didn't know too well and it was literally head over heels in love. Here's where it's totally awkward. He had a long time, on-off relationship w his brother's fiance. It seems like it was a hook up thing only as common gossip is that she was obsessed with him. I can see the controlling traits in the way she treats her fiance but that's not the problem. But, this is where is bothers me and I feel embarrassed and lied to I found out from people in town 6 months later. He then lies about telling me! I felt so patronized because I know I'd recall a detail such as that. I even asked her how they met in front of my bf and they both stayed quiet. Then mumbled something about what year began dating her fiance. I then asked my bf bc it made me think they met in an embarrassing way? He said he didn't know! Looking back with what I know now, maybe it was better that happened? His own ex wife warned me he cheated on her with this woman almost ten years ago. Hes divorced for about 5 years. But come on, it was a matter of time someone would comment. I decided since I'm staying in this relationship for now, I asked friends to stop updating me on his past. So far so good. But I feel bad he lies that he told me. I need to address that part. I have my hook up history from town too but it's not in his face so I feel I had a right to know but then again, maybe it's embarrassing for him.to disclose. However, why lie once the truth is out? I don't want to live on a reality show.I didn't like gossip when I was young and I surely enjoy it less at my age. I've never had to deal with anyone's past like this in any capacity other than when dating fathers but that's a completely different category. I love my bf after thinking I wouldn't get to feel like this again but I don't like being lied to. He still insists he told me and it's already been weeks that I found out. Harmless lies are still lies and he's not getting that in his head. Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2018): You need to sit down with him, both with a cool head and talk it through if you feel his anger scared you. There are two sides to every story, maybe he felt you was asking him for answers and putting him on the spot, maybe his brother took a while to deal with the past and doesn't want it bringing up, maybe he is simply angry people are out causing trouble in his relationship by dragging it up, maybe like a lot of men he simply put his head in the sand and despite knowing it would come up he wasn't ready for it when it did. Lots of maybe's, but taking aside all that, if you feel his anger and shouting is a problem it needs addressing, you start with 'I feel' and express your feelings, no one can argue with how you feel, so no accusations, don't say 'You make me feel scared' you say 'I feel that when you shout it is scary' and talk about it, open lines of communication in a way that doesn't finger point and accuse
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2018): You have a right to be concerned if he used a disproportionate amount of anger in his reply to your innocent question.
Yes, its a red flag if he made you feel uncomfortable and uncertain about yourself.
Different people may have different red flags in my opinion.
If you come from a family that enjoys abrasive arguing and you require a more subtle approach then every manufactured arguement is a red flag which waves at you until you say to yourself 'that's enough!'
Similarly too much secrecy can be just as alarming.
You are finding the social interplay rather daunting.
You dont need to be in a relationship that makes you feel continually undermined.
So currently you think he's gas lighting you.
Telling you he told you something that he didnt!
This is a red flag because you expect honesty and you dont expect to be shouted at every time your partner feels embarrassed.
He is not the last guy on earth so if you see an awkward future ahead you should start to disassociate from him and separate and end the potential tangled mess.
You have a right to leave someone if you want to.
It only is important if its important to you.
As far away strangers we can offer you different perspectives but we cant make life-changing
decisions for you.
If you wanted to let it pass for now you could lay some groundrules such as 'I dont like it when people speak to me rudely or with anger!'
And see what he says.
But you are always responsible for yourself.
You are always free to end a relationship when you see characteristics you dont like.
If I were your age and dating someone who had a previous fling with a now fiannce then I may cut out of the tangle and choose someone different.
You can be tolerant of anger but if those are the characteristics
that you are being shown then you can guarantee there is going to be more of that.
Maybe that is enough for you to start to cool down your feelings and move on to a different situation.
Never lose confidence in your own right to aim for the future you want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2018): This is OP. Thank you for listening. I'm worried that he started yelling. I only asked how his brother and fiance met to make small talk as I had just met them. I didn't know about the history. It's only a small town feel because it's outside a major city. It's mostly adults. So growing up here, it felt quite small. My parents were strict and I was a nervous, shy kid so engaging too much socially was overwhelming. Actually, I feel like I'm having a HS problem now lol. Is his yelling and lying a red flag? All I said was I wish I would have heard from him as this was common knowledge. He even said he knows he needs to disclose bc it's caused issues before. But, he did not tell me. Then got so angry when it was a discussion. We weren't arguing about it. I love him but he gets mad
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2018): Why are you looking back on history 5 or 10 years ago! Remember the really dumb things we all did in our late teens and 20's! Marry too young, and that is almost bound to fail in most cases.
You chose to stay with him. He must have changed.
Don't listen to the words of exes. Unless it was about abuse.
What they say negatively about someone comes from a bad place. She should have moved on and should be minding her own business. Guess that speaks volumes about her character.
Still bitter about the past!
It's a small town. Just wait! Cross somebody or step on some toes. Things you thought long-forgotten or totally untrue about you, will sooner or later hit the gossip-vine. Wait and see!
Let's see how things go when the shoe is on the other foot. You have to be an adult about these things. Choose your battles and work your way through bad news.
If bad news and tall-tales comes in streams; best you ditch the dude, and move-away for good! You'll never have peace!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2018): Excuse me but you are confronting the guy about his past hookup with his brother's present fiance...and in-front of his fiance?!!
I'm going to speak frankly to you. That's how I roll!
What's wrong with you??? If anything could be more Jerry Springer, this takes the cake!
Calm-down!
His brother's FIANCE?!! It's not the sort of thing you'd happily want to dig-up and re-publicize; or share with a new girlfriend. Neither would you bring it up, to rub in your own brother's face!
Welcome to the modern-world of social media, tattle-tellers, gossips; where anyone's business, is everybody's business!
Gossip gets around, but you can't contain it. So why are you giving him hell about what you heard by some unfortunate incident?
You've got something good about to happen for you.
Like far too may these days, girlfriend! Go set those unreachable-standards that you yourself will never reach. Go ahead and bury yourself in your self-righteous indignation and hypocrisy. Just because you overshared; doesn't mean everyone else has to. If that's your rule, maybe he's with the wrong lady. Don't stick around, if you're going keep kicking up this same dust-pile! Move-on!
You yourself said it is a small town. He didn't want to give you the lowdown and nitty-gritty details about him and his bygone-days; and a sexual-encounter he had with his brother's FIANCE!
I would without a shred of doubt; put my brother and his fiance's feelings, before some girlfriend's sensitivity about being told a fib!!! It's petty!
The odds of your boyfriend sleeping with someone you know in a in small town, with a small population. It's got to be a 3 to 1 chance!
Somebody please introduce me to the first reasonably sane and at least marginally-intelligent adult who has never told a lie. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!"
He was obviously embarrassed; and it's stupid if not downright crude to exchange sordid details about your past sex-life. Unless you're informing a new romantic interest that you're HIV-positive or infected with an STD. It's not like he used to be a pimp; and hid something like that from you!
You're overreacting. Keep it up! He'll dump you once he's had just about enough. There are the feelings of other people he has to consider, which beat you 2 to 1. One being his own brother, and the other the woman he plans to marry.
Chill!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2018): Hi it's OP. I'm more concerned he lied to my face about telling me they dated. He even yelled he knows he has to disclose that. It makes me think what else is a lie and is this someone who can't accept responsibility?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2018): I said this on a previous post, there are six degrees of separation and this is his. Does his brother have a problem with him dating his fiance before him?So you live in a town where gossip is idle, i do too and i live in England, my boyfriend lives in a town nearby, i don't go out there much for night out but when i have done there has been people more than keen to run their mouths and voice their opinion on my boyfriend, just sad people at the end of the day. He was married and one night his mum went out with his dad for a few drinks and some woman ran her mouth about meeting me and splitting from his wife ten years ago, she was told to mind her own business by his mum, she said 'I have never seen him so happy as he is now' i don't even know the woman who was running her mouth, that's another sad fact about this nosey tittle tattling individual. Look if you love him and you want to be with him you need to let it drop. She is with his brother, he is with you and from what you have put they are both embarrassed about it now. I honestly think you will torture yourself if you pushed him for answers, you know now, they had something in the past and they have moved on. At the end of the day no one can predict the future, but this boils down to trust and you have to listen to your gut feeling, does he love you as you love him? Does he seem like he really just wants to forget the saga with her? do you trust him? You admit yourself your town is a tittle tattling small town with the usual gossips who are more than happy to stick their noses in other people's lives because theirs are boring, well it has happened, so question is are you going to let it ruin your relationship?
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