A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I moved from San Diego back home to NH and met this incredible girl. She completely accepted me for who I am and fell deeply in love with me. It all happened rather fast. She cheated on her boyfriend of 10 months with me. Within two days we were sleeping together and within two weeks I moved in with her. She still had not broken it off with her ex. She finally did about a month into it. Did she see him throughout this? I'm pretty sure that she didn't. We spent a lot of time together. We got along great. I got on the computer one day and her myspace page was opened to a message to a friend saying that I was the one. This was within two months. The next month she was telling me she loved me. I said nothing. Two weeks later she said she wanted to get pregnant. I said no, that we both needed to finish school first. Then things started falling apart. I was anxious about a new job and whether or not she had the strength to handle that I was going to Japan to get ahead of my financial situation. I would get very frustrated and angry with her, but held it in. I didn't know if I was making the right decision and itt really made my mind turn into a bunch of clutter. She didn't help me very much with the decision. I could see that she didn't want me to go, but didn't want to tell me not to go. It turned out that I eventually moved out. When I handed her the keys to the apartment I finally told her that i loved her. We continued to see eachother after and go out together. Then I got on her myspace to see if she was just leading me on. I was crushed when I saw that she was making plans with more than a few men. i felt lead on, but I trusted her and believed the things that she was telling me when she finally opened up and said that things were going to be fine and workout. It turned into her punching me in the face one night and her getting arrested. She put a protective order on me. I put one on her. We ended up dismissing them in the final hearing. I got to Japan. We continued to talk. Things seemed like they were good. She then changed her phone number. We talked through myspace. It went back and forth of miss you then I don't anymore. For about 3 weeks we did this until she told me she was seeing someone else. My problem is that I know I should be over this, but I'm not. It was incredibly unhealthy for the both of us. She has moved on, why the hell can't I? I just can't seem to let it go. I didn't sleep for over two months, I couldn't focus on work, and I lost about 20 lbs. I got really depressed. I'm not depressed anymore, but I still feel the need to talk to her. I feel guilty about all the drama craziness that happened between us with restraining orders and court. I feel like I need to make something up to her. That I let her down with a guy that she thought she could spend the rest of her life with. Now I'm just sleeping around and kinda feel like I'm used goods now. That even when the next one comes I will hit the high road the second she utters anything about a commitment. Just so confused on everything that I have learned from prior relationships compared to this one. I don't think I loved her when I dated her. The second I was gone though I really felt that i did. I just let frivoulous stuff get in the way. I feel like my self worth is based on her. I feel like i am a horrible person for the way things turned out. That we both couldn't just walk away with our own self dignity. We were impusive about what was going on between us.I can't get all of it out of my head. How do I get over this horrible ending to a relationship?
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female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (2 November 2008):
 I think it could be the intensity of the emotions which is causing you such intense heartache. Restraining orders, courts, being violent are all extremely passionate and physical emotions that are difficult to move on from. They are in a differnt league from some normal relationships that follow a pre-determined more relaxed path.
My husband took out a restraining order on me so naturally i did one on him, we used to punch, kick and all sorts at each other and we were just unhealthy around each other. The thing was i loved the emotion it created , it made me feel alive and I craved it. When he left I felt emotionally drained and i think it may be the same for you. You knew your relationship wasn't healthy but it gave you something and now it is not there anymore. To get over this you need to realise that what was happening between the two of you was not a grounding for a long lasting happy relationship. People shouldn't hit each other, take each other to court, and it is not realistic to declare undying love for another so early on in the relationship. You need to realise you are better off out of this although she has left a huge void in your life. I suggest you take time out for yourself and look after number one. Have a few casual girlfriends, be nice but make it clear that you are not looking for a relationship at present. As time goes on your feelings will fade, what she does on face book, myspace, bebo or whatever will not be so important. Concentrate on your career and keep away from her. If warning bells go off when you are with one of your new girlfriends then that is ok because you have been there and done that and it didn't make you very happy so you don't want to go there again.
Moving on only happens in little stages, there is no predetermined time limit and is different for everyone. You won't even realise it is happening. My ex husnad moved on overnight as he met someone else but it hasn't even started to happen for me so we are all different and feel differently about things. Go out with your men friends, new women, work, exercise etc and the memory of time with her will begin to fade away.
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