A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I will try to keep this brief and simple.I am very happily married. In fact, most of the problem is I cant talk to my husband about this and I tell him everything! The crux is, I have a crush (im not worried, i simply admire him physically and its just biology,im human) but the guy crushes on me too....but worse. I have only been with him once without my hubs and thats where he made his feelings clear with actions rather than words. Since then he always finds a reason to text me/“accidently“ touch me and he looks at me like im dinner. ive discouraged all this by keeping visits (we get supplies from him) and letting hubs do all the talking. no biggy. Now,heres the problem. my hubs wants to befriend this guy which I thought was great. theyve a lot in common and itd mean id not have to go ! Trouble is, twice my hubs has arranged to go for a drink with him and both times this guy has said YES and then not turned up!!! My boy would get there to find a relation instead! What?! Each time the guy knew I wasnt going to be there. as a result, my hubs was understandably hurt and asked if I could call him to arrange supplies. We went today and as ive not seen him in two months he had this.....urgent look mingled with hurt and desire. I jst let hubs do the talking and kept out of the way. Then someone pulls up. his gf who I had never met. She seemed sweet and I had a quick chat to avoid being rude but this guy still stared at me the whole time. he didnt even say hi to his gf til id got into our car. tbh, the whole thing has left me feeling unsettled and good looking or not, his behaviour worries me. trouble is, his words are so calm and normal and being as my sexual relationship only began with my hubs when I literally asked for it, he has not noticed the looks, touching, body language or general atmosphere!! Heres my problem. Now my hubs knows this guy doesnt hate him and ive met his gf, hubs now wants us to do something as a foursome. I said no and he asked why. to my eternal shame I said something I do not think or mean and I apologise to every woman with a child in my head profusely - that she'd prob only want to talk about her 2 babies and i have no interest in that. STRIKE ME DOWN! He basically didnt accept, he wants me to do this still as a favour because he hasnt managed to find anyone to do man stuff with him in this new area we moved to and they have a lot in common. I cant elaborate but if I tell him the whole thing, he will be upset at the loss of the guy and we get specific things from him supply wise. I have tried and failed to look up someone else to provide us with thesethings we need for our business. I can make excuses not to go get the supplies and ask my hubs to do it - not a problem. But he said he is going to ring him about this dinner as it wont kill me to sit through an evening and i may make a new friend in his gf. So, question is....fight, flight or go along with? Thankyou so much for reading my essay lol. theres a lot more to this but id keep you here forever! Any questions please ask and im very grateful to you for listening I have noone else I can talk to about this!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (30 April 2012):
 What do you think would be more important to your husband - his marriage? Or making a new friend?
I think that is an easy answer - of course you are going to be more important. There will be other people he can make friends with in time, so I think you need to tell him what has been going on.
I would dance past the part where you are attracted to him (no need to say that as you clearly dont have any intention of cheating). Other than that - be honest with your husband. Tell him about the time you went to collect the supplies alone and how he made a move on you. Tell him that he 'accidentally' touches you, he texts you etc and tell him the reason why he stood your husband up twice was because you were not there.
That will show your husband that he is not a genuine friend - he will quickly realise he is not the kind of guy he wants to be friends with. At the moment your husband thinks he is a man he wants to make friends with, but when he finds out about his true character that will soon change his mind!
If you allow this dinner to happen then it will mean you will have to go along with it forever, it wont just be 'one dinner' as you will end up going out again and again. It will only get more uncomfortable for you, and I dont think you should allow your husband to make friends with a man that clearly has no morals, as he is the kind of guy to make a move on a married woman!
Come clean about it and dont jeapordize your marriage because of a lie - the longer you hide this the worse it will be when it comes out. And believe me, it will eventually come out!
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2012): It sounds to me like this guy is a lot more interested in bedding you than being friends with your husband.
Tell your husband the situation. Then you both will be on the same page about keeping away from the situation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2012): Anyone who goes to these lengths to explain a situation is thinking about doing more than have a crush
This man may or may not be after a fling with you, but you are dangerously close to making a move on him or you would not even notice him or his perceived attempts to flirt
Tell your husband you feel uncomfortable round this guy and why. Then focus on your marriage as he will deal with the rest.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (30 April 2012):
 You're married. You want to stay happily married, right? So you tell your husband that you have an uneasy feeling, that this guy has impure motivations. Done. Your husband will ensure that you never have anything to do with the guy again.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (30 April 2012):
 Happily married? This is not a conventional marriage. It sounds more like a business deal/polyamory thing. I suspect at least 3 of you are fine with what you are doing and are accepting this set up. Is his girlfriend part of the business or is she being used as bait here, to get your husband to okay the foursome?
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (30 April 2012):
 AUUUGHHHHH!!!! Reading that massive paragraph made me want to stick ice picks in my eyes!!!!
**ahem**
There. I feel better. :)
You know you're playing with fire, right? You're really playing with it, nursing this crush and entering into what can only be labelled an emotional affair.
If you don't come clean with your husband, tell him you're fighting a crush on this guy, and hit this straight on, within 6 months, I predict you and he will be in bed together. You can't play with fire and not be burned.
You simply need to decide....play with fire and get burned, or tell your husband that if he keeps this guy close, you're in danger of developing feelings for him, and you don't want to. Yes, I know you already have feelings for him, but tell him you're in danger rather than it's too late.
Loyalty, or disloyalty? Your marriage isn't happy if you're entertaining a crush. Happily married people develop crushes, but happily married people steer clear of any playing around with fire, and thus don't nurture that crush.
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