A
female
age
,
*andy18
writes:I'm a man of 60 and have been married for 37 years, but I have committed the ultimate betrayal to my wife, I had an affair for 7 years, my wife found out about it about 18/19 months ago and I ended it straight away,since then I have tried to be a more loving,caring husband,I realise what a stupid mistake the affair was, and what I have put my wife through,Itake all her anger,pain, and all the hurtful things she has said,BUT the one thing I cannot do is make love to her, I've told her that sex just does'nt interest me anymore, and I physically cannot get an erection, I believe this is due to all the anger from her and the arguments we have over this, she just does not see how much these arguments hurt me, all she can see is that I made love to another woman and as she says 'doing all the things to that woman that was supposed special to me' how can I help her to get rid this obsession of me making love to her and accept the situation that I don't want sex anymore with her or anyone?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): You were having sex with another woman for 7 years. Your wife is not going to get over this overnight, if indeed she ever does. Can I ask why did you ever put yourself in the position that you were tempted to stray in the first place?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): Stop expecting or not expecting sex - both of you. Take it out the equation and work on everything else but that. If I am being totally brutal I don't think your relationship will survive a 7 year affair but stranger things happen so its worth a go. Agree with her that the sex is the issue so what can we do to make everything else better - you need to stop thinking about yourself and put her first at every single given opportunity if you are serious about saving a marriage. Sorry there is no sympathy vote for you dear.
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A
female
reader, I'llTryToHelp  +, writes (3 June 2008):
 YOU had an affair for 7 years that you ended only because you were discovered. Wow. And you want your wife to feel YOUR pain? How selfish is that?
A 7 year affair is a bit more than a "stupid mistake". It was the ultimate betrayal of a marriage. You lied continually for 7 years straight and if you had not been discovered, you could possibly still be having the affair and having sex.
My guess is that it's gonna be along while before she works thru HER hurt and pain. If you love her, then be a man and you'll do whatever it takes to make it good again. Whatever it takes....
Please don't blame HER for your erection problems. That one is yours and yours alone! Believe me, she's already got enough going on in her head to worry about without you laying that on her shoulders, too. That is NOT her fault!
My husband cheated on me before we got married and he listened to me rant about it for a long time. When it started getting to him, he said all he had to do was put himself in my place, think about how betrayed he'd feel if I'd done the same thing to him and he'd rediscover the patience to deal with my anger again. Maybe you ought to try that. You have to earn her trust and respect again because you stole it away and then threw it in her face.
Step up, man and do the right thing... Maybe suggest counselling for both of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): You betrayed her for 7 years... thats an awful long time!
Basically I wouldnt want to make love to someone who had betrayed me like that, especially since you clearly could get it up for this other woman and now the woman oyu claim to love doesnt do it for you. Does your wife even want sex from you?
Try to see her point of view... would you want to be inside her knowing that she had spent 7 years with another man in the most intimate parts of her body...??
Its understandable on her part.
On your part maybe if you examine what made you cheat in the first place then you could work on that and make your mariage a stronger and happier place for both of you, and work up towards wanting to make love again!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): This is a tricky one. You'v got to understand that your wife must feel very unattractive right now, and that is made worse by you telling her you don't want sex. She probably wants to feel that she can still please you and that she was not the reason you had the affair in the first place, but i can also see it from your point of view that it is not that you wouldn't have sex with her if you could (even just to please her) but you physically can't. Have you tried to explain to her that you can't get an erection? Your wife is right to be angry and any woman in her position would. Maybe instead of having sex with her you could do something else to show her you love her? A nice romantic dinner maybe? Or trying to get a copy of the first film you ever saw together. Anything to let her know that you do love her and that you are sorry. little gestures will make all the difference as it sounds as if it's your attention she wants more than anything.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): Well surely you should see her point mate, you betrayed her, you get married to someone and VOWED to spend the rest of your lives together. Just you too. Which your wife seems to do very well, but your just hopeless.There's no point me going on about it because I'm sure you've heard it all before, but maybe - I mean c'mon 7 years - you should stop thinking of just yourself, as it's obvious you have been, and think about her for once.If your trying to be as loving and caring a husband as you SHOULD be, then do something for your wife. If your incapable of having sex as in, really incapable, then doesn't that show that you were only really interested in sex with another woman than your wife?! That's what she's going to think anyway.You're lucky to be with her, very lucky, and by the way it's looking, your really hanging onto a thread mate. As I said, if your incapable, you should explain to her that you can't, and it's not her, but you've got one hell of a mountain to climb.Possibly convince her to see a doctor or consuellor if all else fails. Consuelling is probably best, but don't put the blame on your wife.
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