A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Not really sure what I hope to accomplish with this. If anything it just helps to write it out. Any advice would be appreciated. This really isn't the kind of thing that guys talk to their friends or family about.The thing that's been really bothering me lately is that I'm 25 and I'm still single. But it doesn't end there. I've never had girlfriend, never dated, never kissed, hugged, held hands, nothing. I'm completely inexperienced with women. I feel like a complete failure when it comes to this sort of thing. I just don't get it. I have every other part of my life pretty well figured out. I've spent the last four years on active duty in the military and will be getting out next week. I'll be going back to school in the fall to finish up my bachelors degree. I have a good group of friends, a few hobbies, and I'm even told that I'm not a bad looking guy. Sure I can be kind of quiet at times, but who isn't? I can't seem to figure out what's wrong with me. There must be something.Most everyone else that I know is already married or is soon to be. I still know a few people who aren't but they're also in long term relationships. I'm pretty much the only single one left. My roommate went home on leave a few weeks ago and got married. He moved his wife back with him and it's been awkward ever since. I feel like an outcast in my own home. I can't stand seeing them all over each other all the time and having to listen to them screw like rabbits. It's like I'm constantly having my singleness thrown in my face. Everyone else has moved on with their lives and I've been left behind in their dust.I've heard pretty much anything you can think of. "Just be patient and your time will come one day" Hate to tell you but it's been 25 years. I don't think that it's unreasonable to think that by 25 I should have had some sort of experience with the opposite sex by now. Or "Just get out there and be confident" Can it get any more vague than that? I do get out with friends . I am confident in many aspects of my life, but confidence comes from previous success. Not ever having had any success with women I guess I don't have much confidence when it comes to that. "You have to be happy with yourself first" I am happy with myself. I'm just not happy that I'm single.I don't know what to do anymore. Women just don't seem to be interested in me in that way. What makes me so unworthy of finding someone special? I'm feeling miserable about this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): Ok so you had a few knocks, forget about them, just put them right out of your head now, those are negetive thoughts and they're holding you back.As for having no experience, well take all the advice i said previous then get out there and do something about it. Otherwise you will never have experience, and thats your problem aswel your afraid you will sound desperate so you're so aware not to come across as desperate, that you hold back too much. Don't think! Just do it! if it doesnt work out move on.If you fail you fail. If you don't try life goes on as it is and with practice you will get better. Take it step by step (baby steps) learn to walk before you can run, your getting too consumed with having a relationship. Take my advice from previous post and just be a friendly person not "the friend" theres a difference. You are as good as any guy out there you have to believe it! im sure you'd want to treat the girl right, with respect like. Some guys can't master even that, but if you can you're off to a good start.You say you have success in other areas of your life, well draw back on that to give you confidence, anything at all that you have achieved in your life means you do have alot to offer.Don't worry, relax, be open, be honest and be yourself and im sure love won't pass you by. The power to change your situation is in your hands. You are responsible for your life, so if its bothering you change it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks anonymous. I think that there's a lot of truth in your post.
Why do I feel so completely out of my element? Because nothing I've tried has ever worked for me. Real confidence comes from previous successful experiences. It's like the catch 22 of getting a job. You need previous experience to get one, but nobody's willing to give you the experience you need. After all, what girl wants a guy that no other girl out there has ever wanted?
Maybe I'm just putting too much thought into it. I don't want to come off as desperate (Let's be honest here. After 25 years of failed attempts and loneliness I think I fit the bill.) At the same time I don't want to become just another friend either. There must be some way around the friend zone without looking too desperate.
Sure, I know that I'm a great guy but never having had any success with girls I really begin to wonder whether I really do have anything to offer. All these positive personality traits and good things I have to offer don't start looking so great after a while when nobody seems to be interested in them.
I don't mean to sound so down and out about this. This is just what past experience is telling me. I'm usually a really happy person. This part of my life has just really been getting to me lately.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2011): "I feel completely nervous when I try to meet girls. I'm out of my element when it comes to this".
Ok that is the problem right there! you really cannot think like that, that is probably the first thing that pops into your head when you meet a girl you like. Then you get nervous and back out of persuing the girl so she becomes just a friend. Why would you feel out of your element? you are just as worthy as any other guy to persue a girl. Think of positive things about yourself, positive personality traits, all the good things you can offer a girl as her partner and realise that you have a lot to offer. This may sound stupid but write them down if you have to. This will help with the confidence. Try not to rush things either, your first objective when you have found a girl you like should be to work toward a date, then a second date and so on.
As for not falling into the friend zone. You need to take risks, if the girl seems to like you, answers your txts, flirts, well then you should let her know you like her, ask her questions about herself, her interests, job whatever, give her compliments about both her appearance and personality.
If she is giving the compliments back well and you really like her and want to take things further, make your feelings known. This is hard and yes sometimes you will get hurt. Everybody gets hurt at least once in their lifetime, in that instance you just mope a little, pick yourself up, and move on to the next girl. Don't be afraid of rejection, otherwise your life will pass you by. So what if a girl is not interested, there is a whole world full of them.
All the best!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf I knew why I haven't been able to connect with girls I'd be happy to tell you. At least then I'd know what exactly I had to fix. Yes, I have approached girls in bars before. Not frequently, but there have been times when I've worked up enough courage to do so. They'll either talk to be friendly but are not interested, or outright tell me that they already have a boyfriend. Bars really aren't my place of choice for meeting people anyway.
My problem Isn't that I can't meet girls and interact with them. I've had plenty of female friends. People that I've met at work, through friends, friends of friends. But that's it, just friends. I can't seem to figure out how to dodge out of becoming just another friend. How do you transition from meeting someone to something more. I'm completely lost. I wouldn't even know how to date if I could ever get one.
Sure I can be a bit picky. I have my standards, but they're not unreasonable.
I feel completely nervous when I try to meet girls. I'm out of my element when it comes to this.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (28 April 2011):
 Well as much as you might go out with friends, when people tell you to 'get out there and be confident' it means approach women when you are out! You could go out every night of the week, and have hundreds of different hobbies, but if you never approach a girl then of course you will remain single!
Relationships are not just served up on a plate, and if you sit around waiting for a girl to come along you will be single forever. But if you actually take the initiative, be brave and start talking to girls, you might just get somewhere! As a guy, it is unfortunate but men are expected to do the chasing, it is very rare for a girl to approach a guy even if she likes him. A girl wants to know that the guy is interested in her, and the best way of finding that out is if the guy approaches her!
I am sure there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, in terms of looks and personality I am sure you are a great guy and there is no reason why you shouldnt have a girlfriend. The only thing stopping you from getting what you want is yourself - you are simply not making enough effort to meet girls and get in front of them.
There are many many ways to meet girls and get talking to them, here are just a few suggestions:
1. Bars/Clubs - the typical way that young people meet the opposite sex. Go out with your friends, try and make eye contact with a girl you are attracted to, if she holds your eye contact and keeps looking over at you, then she is interested so you should go over and introduce yourself, then start a conversation. It really is as simple as that! All you need to do is put on a nice shirt, a bit of aftershave (or cologne if thats what you call it in the US!) and be brave, approach a girl that you like and if she isnt intrested, keep on repeating the process with other girls in the bar/club that you like the look of. Yes you might get a few knock-backs, but you will never get anywhere if you dont try.
2. Hobbies/activities. If there are any girls that do the same activities or hobbies as you, then this is a very easy way to start talking to a girl. You already have something in common, so it is easy to start a conversation about the hobby/activity.
3. Online dating - have you tried it? I know it might not be everyone's cup of tea but it is a good way to get talking to girls, and if you have a good connection with someone then this will lead to a date. And you can always be a bit more confident when you are just emailing/talking online, so it can be easier for someone who is lacking on confidence. And at least this way, you will get some practice at dating! You can be talking to a number of girls at the same time, then go on dates with the ones you like, which is great practice even if the date doesnt work out.
There are plenty more ways of meeting girls but these are the easiest and most obvious options. I know it seems daunting to approach girls, especially when you have not had any 'successes' in the past, but you are never going to have any success unless you try. Be prepared to be turned down a couple of times, but you will eventually find someone if you just keep trying. If you are good-looking and have a good personality, then there is no reason why there is not going to be a single girl in the whole of your area who wont want to date you.
So be brave, get talking to as many girls as you can and it will work out with at least one of them! That is basic maths - the more people you meet, the more likely you are to find one that you are compatible with. So never rest your hopes on just one girl, instead meet as many as you can, be confident around them and approach lots of girls. Hopefully you will meet one who you really click with and she will be interested too, then you can go from there.
I think you are making it more difficult than it really is, and you have already written yourself off and believe that women are simply not interested. But you have never approached any women so you are in no position to know if a girl is interested or not! You will never learn unless you try, so even if you have to fake a bit of confidence just do it and approach a few girls the next time you are out with your friends. Heck, why not ask them to set you up on a blind date with one of their girlfriend's single friends? Yes blind dates can be awful, but you say you have never dated, so at least it would be experience!
Be brave, you can make this happen for yourself but only if you start approaching women first, rather than waiting for them to come to you.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): "Can it get any more vague"...? Well, that's how I feel after reading your long post. You've said a lot but you haven't said much that gives any insight to WHY you haven't connected with any girls. What have you TRIED? What do you FEEL when you try? Are you very picky (which is fine)? Let's go through this one at a time.
You sound like a decent guy who is pretty confident with yourself. So, let's dig deeper...
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