A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Sorry, this is long! I've just never been in this position. Okay so my friends introduced me to this guy about a month ago. We’re both 20. I guess he went to our high school freshman year, but I didn't remember ever seeing him. I guess like a month or so ago, he got out of a 3 year relationship. He just moved back in with his parents, because he used to live with his ex. I saw him three other times when I hung out with my friends, and they encouraged me to get to know him. He didn't seem like my type, but with them accusing me of liking him, I kind of started to. My friends and I were even talking about throwing a motel party, and he said I could stay in his room ( and if there was only one bed, I could have it.) Well my friends and I got into a fight (I think both of them actually KIND of liked him, despite them both having boyfriends) so he and I didn't hangout for a while, but he texted me EVERY single day. Then one day he asked me to hang come hangout with him when he got out of work, so I said okay.. This was our first time hanging out without my friends, and it was sort of awkward. We’re both really shy, so we only ended up doing a little bit of cuddling. He asked if he could kiss me, too, but I said no. He explained that he wasn’t looking for a relationship right now, but if I was interested in being friends with benefits, we could do that. I told him I’d think about it. We ended up staying up all night, because he said he didn't want me to leave. We didn't sleep, so we just talked all night, and I ended up leaving at like 6 am because he and his sister were going on vacation. We ended up texting the whole weekend, and on the last night he was on vacation, he called me. He told me he missed me a lot already, and we just talked about random things. He called me like 3 more times that night, too. We talked about the whole friends with benefits thing, and I told him I didn’t know if I wanted to do it because I had one before, and I ended up getting too attached. I asked him what boundaries we would set, and he said we would just be friends that kissed, cuddled, and maybe more.. And we’d also go on dates, and it would be like we were dating but he just didn’t want it to be official at least for a while. In his opinion, FWB’s could develop feelings for each other. He said he’d call me when he got home the next day, because he wanted to hang out and take me out to a nice dinner. So we ended up hanging out the next day.. Watched some movies, cuddled, and he kissed me. It was cute kissing, too, like Eskimo kisses, and kissing my forehead. He started talking about all these things he wanted us to do over the summer, like go to an amusement park, and said he wanted to go to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter with me. I ended up going home at like 2am because he had to work the next day. Then he asked if I wanted to hang out 2 days later, so we got pizza and watched more movies. He told me he missed me again. When we hung out we kissed, and cuddled as usual. I ended up falling asleep during one of the movies, and he woke me up because he had to go to sleep because of work in the morning. He said if I was too tired, I could just stay the night. I was, and so we both just went to sleep. The next morning, he kissed me before I left and told me to text him later. That day he texted me back once, and then ignored me, which was weird because before then he constantly texted me. I thought maybe he felt weird about me staying the night, but didn’t put too much thought into it. The next day he asked me what I was doing over the weekend, and he said if I wanted I could stay the night on Friday and we could go out and do something. I got a little drunk that night, and texted him asking why exactly he didn’t want a relationship.. But he didn’t reply. Then I drunk texted, and said I missed him. He said he was going to bed, and stopped replying. So the next night we ended up going to a late movie, and then when we got back to his house we decided to cuddle and watch some tv. We ended up having sex for the first time, and then cuddled for quite a while. He got really mad because my ex texted me, and he told me it wasn’t right for me to be texting another guy while I was with him. He also told me that I should tell my ex that we were dating, so that he’d stop bothering me all the time. The next morning we got up, and went to get some breakfast.. Then he told me he was gonna go play some sports with his buddy, so of course that meant I should go home. He kissed me in the car, and then we parted ways. I didn’t want to seem “needy” so I didn’t text him until later that night, but he ignored me. That made me feel like crap. So yet again, the next day I waited until later that night to text him, and again he kind of ignored me. So I decided to ask him when he wanted to hang out again and he’s like “IDK”. And so I said “What about tomorrow?” and he said sure.. I brought up that before he always seemed excited to hang out with me, and now he didn’t. I asked him if he was acting this way because we had sex, and he told me not to be dumb. Somehow the subject of dating came up, and he said “You know how I feel about that. I DON’T WANT A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW.” And then said maybe we were hanging out too much, because it seemed like I was getting the wrong idea. The next day I apologized for what happened the previous night, and he said it was okay, he just didn’t want me to get the wrong idea, and that he did KINDA like me, but didn’t want anything serious right now. He said we could still hang out when he got off of work, but he didn’t end up getting home until kind of late. We ended up going bowling, and things were good. We went back to his house, and laid in bed watching a movie. I asked him if he decided that he didn’t want us to cuddle, or kiss, because of what happened, and then he kissed me. We cuddled for a while after that, and then ended up having sex again. I told him we should hangout again sometime this week, and he told me he wasn’t sure he’d have time. We went to sleep, and then this morning he kissed me and told me to text him later on, and he’d talk to me on his break… Well, for a while he texted me back, and then he started ignoring me again. So I waited four hours, and then texted and asked how work was going. No reply. Four more hours went by, and texted him again. No reply. I know he’s out of work now, and I don’t get why he’s not replying. You know, I understand that he doesn’t want a relationship, but I don’t get why he’s sending me all of these mixed signals! He asked his dad if his ex could borrow a cooler over the weekend, but when I asked him if he wanted to chill this weekend, he told me he had to work. I’m not sure if he’s starting to talk to his ex again, and maybe that’s why he’s ignoring me.. He used to always text me in the morning saying “Good morning pretty lady” and asking me how I slept.. And would end the night with “Sweet dreams”. And he always insists on paying for everything. I’ve never been in a situation like this before, and it’s really starting to mess with me. I’m thinking about just not texting him again, but it’s hard because I do like him.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (21 April 2011):
 It is easy to say things like, "good morning pretty lady", and how are you doing, and sweet dreams, etc.
It is easy to act, but hard to back up your words.
A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (20 April 2011):
 It sounds like you're definitely in a rebound situation. I was in a similar situation with a guy who had just come out of a relationship of two-and-a-half years. When we started hanging out, everything was fun and new and we chatted constantly. But, like your guy, he told me that he didn't want anything serious. I agreed. We hung out a lot, and we had tons of fun together. We mainly just hung out at his place, and went to parties with his friends. We made out a lot, and were super-attracted to each other, but I was a virgin, so we didn't have sex. Only foreplay (kinda). It felt like things were going to take off at some point, and we had only been hanging out for a couple of weeks. His friends all liked me, and even called me his girlfriend a few times. Then, one night, I went over to his place to play Beer Pong with him, his roommate, his roommate's girlfriend, and another one of his friends. The night was going well, and we were having a good time, but then all of a sudden he got a phone call and took off into the other room. He was in there for about five minutes, and then came back out and said he had to leave to help his sister because she was in trouble. He said he'd be back when he could. I hung out with his friends for a bit, waiting for him to return, and then all of a sudden he sent a text to his roommate (not me) that said, "I won't be coming home tonight. Tell ________ I'm sorry". I knew something was up, but didn't text him. I had been drinking, so I couldn't drive home, as my place was a good 30 minutes away. I went to sleep that night in his bed, and woke up the next day to him still gone. I got my things and left. I didn't hear from him again. I sent him a message on MySpace inquiring about what he expected of me, and what had gone on that night. He didn't respond for at least three days, and I was a mess. When he did respond, he never admitted to going to see his ex that night, but he did admit that he was not over her, and that he didn't want to be unfair to me. That was that.
You need to understand that guys who have just come out of serious relationships don't really know what to do with themselves. They're still horny (Duh! They're guys!), and they're not used to being alone as they've always had someone there for however many months of years. All of their plans were destroyed with the breakup. They're going to look for someone to have sex with and keep them company, but they're craving that emotional attachment, too, even if it's not completely there. This guy might WANT things to work out with you, and might be attracted to you and have fun with you and whatnot, but he's still thinking of his ex. I know it's hard to hear, but when your whole world revolves around one person and your relationship with them, it's not easy to move past it, and thoughts of that person oftentimes enter your mind whether you want them to or not.
Give him some space. Instead of texting him, just live your own life. Don't ask him what's going on with you two, or why you aren't a certain label, just take what he's giving you for what it is until he's ready to fully commit. If you don't want to get any more attached, don't respond when he texts you. Don't agree to hang out with him anymore. He'll get the message that you don't appreciate being messed with (which you don't), and that your world doesn't revolve around him and what HE wants. That's not fair to you. Start dating again. If your ex texts you, who's this guy to tell you not to text him back if he's not committing to you? You have to worry about YOU here, not him.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (20 April 2011):
Leave the guy. DO not talk to him again. He is jealous and insecure. Do not hang out with him again. Seriously
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 April 2011):
 he sends mixed signals because he has mixed feelings.
he likes you but he knows that a relationship right now is not a good idea.
Listen to his actions not his words.
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