A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my husband for the past 4 years, I have huge trust issues with him because I found out he cheated on his first wife and never told me even though I told him stuff about my first marriage..I found this out from old love letter he had hidden in his golf bag...Now I am like a women possessd trying to catch him out cause I am convinced he is going to cheat on me.. It's like I am always trying to keep one step ahead of him.. I am excusted!!Last night my husband went on a "boys" night out and came in and rightly told me he got chatting to the bar maid... Nothing happened it was just chit chat.. But I felt so so jealous... I wanted to hit him cause I felt so hurt.. ( I didn't) I haven't slept all night worrying about it... My husband said I am stupid and I have no need to worry but I can't stop... It's nott the first time I have been jealous with him and rightly my Hubby us getting sick of it.. But it's like the more we get involved (kids etc) and the more I love him, the more I feel I have to lose??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009): Hi. Thats right you do have more to lose. And that why youve suddenly found yourself with these very powerful feeling of pretection towards your relationship with him. It was probably quite a shock to find out he had lied to his ex wife and cheated on her. They arent the nicest quatilties to suddenly find your partner possesses. But try and keep it in perspective. He did that to her not you! I do know how you feel. On the one hand you ask yourself if youre being silly because it was awhile ago and not to you. But on the other hand youre filled with dismay that someone you held in high regard could be such a worm! I was chatting with my partner awhile back and we got onto the subject of what we would do if someone we both knew hit on us. He said it had already happened to him when he was married before. His ex wifes friend asked him if he wanted an affair. He said he told her he was very flattered and admired her for asking but he would decline because it was too close to home! I was horrified and told him he should have told her to get lost and immediately explained to his wife what her friend was like behind her back. As for telling his wifes friend he admired her for asking.....Since then its made me wonder. If someone i know ever asks him for an affair, is he going to tell me or tell my friend hes flattered but its too close to home! If its really bothering you that much, ask him to renew his wedding vows to you just so you feel more secure. It might work. Good luck.
A
female
reader, LadyCorsair  +, writes (28 November 2009):
 Trust is so difficult to build, and once it's shattered, it's even harder to regain. Believe me, I know! I know exactly how you feel because I've been the same way! I still kind of am, to be honest. It's a very debilitating feeling, isn't it? And not very nice at all.
You're not stupid though, millions of women share your fears, and you have a right to feel the way you do. However, letting paranoia and jealousy dominate your life is dangerous for your relationship and even your mental health.
Does your husband know you found the old love letter? Maybe it's worth having a chat with him about it. Tell him you're concerned that he'll cheat on you and see what his reaction is.
How does he act with you? Is he attentive and loving? Is his behavior with you consistent? Men do get sick of a jealous woman very quickly, and they'll often use it as an excuse for being "driven to another woman". Try and cool it down in front of him, and use the time you have together to do the things you love. When the jealous feelings start creeping in, go and do something to keep your mind occupied. If you don't have a job, get a part time one... Find a class or a hobby. Anything to keep your mind working on something else.
If you can't get rid of the paranoid feeling, then it's time to visit your doctor and ask to see a mental health practitioner. They will help you get your mind together and feel better about things. It doesn't mean you're crazy- your thoughts are perfectly justified, but it will damage your health in the long run.
Keep us updated please,
Lady Corsair
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