A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've known my boyfriend a long time.We dated before, it didn't work out, we didn't see each other for a couple of years.We ended up back in touch and he was very keen for us to try again at a relationship. I was happy single, I wasn't sure how I felt about him (friend or boyfriend?) and I was honest with him and told him so.But he really pushed and promised that if it didn't work out, we would go back to being friends, nothing lost.I decided to give it a go, being naive. I should have known that if my feelings weren't 100%, I shouldn't have. But I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Ironic.Now, 6 weeks on, he's telling me I'm The One - he wants to marry me, have children, get a house etc...It's too much and I have told him, I wasn't ready/looking for such a full on relationship. I know now I don't have those kinds of feelings for him, I wish we'd just stayed friends now, and I have tried gently to break up with him, but he won't hear of it.I truly am at a loss, he's told me he would be devastated if we broke up, and that he could never see me again, even if just as friends.I know I was out of order getting into a relationship in the first place, my feelings were 50/50, I am attracted to him, but it's more on the "just friends" side for me. I didn't expect him to be so full on right away, I believed him when he said if it didn't work out, we wouldn't lose anything...What do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust thought I would update you all, did put my foot down and was kinda cruel to be kind, it was hard because he kept trying to convince me not to end it and hassled me for quite a while afterwards, even giving me quite a bit of abuse. I know that friendship's well and truly over, as he couldn't take the fact that I only saw him as a friend and stubbornly is now set in the "I can't have you so I don't want to be friends" mindset, which to be honest is fine, he's really shown his true colours :o/
I have since met a very very lovely guy who I do fancy verrrry much...Early days yet so we'll watch this space :)
A
female
reader, L0U +, writes (11 January 2009):
Hi You need to tell him straight. I realise you don't want to hurt his feelings but if your heart isn't in it you need to tell him...it's more cruel stringing him along. Tell him sooner rather than later as the longer you leave it the more he is going to feel that your feelings for him are the same as his for you. He is going to be hurt but he will get over it eventually.
You need to think, not only about him, but about you aswel. The longer you stay in a relationship you don't want to be in, the more time you are losing to go out and enjoy yourself. Life is too short and you need to live it to the max!
Hope this helps
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (11 January 2009):
 You take him up on his offer of friendship if it doesn't work out. It isn't working out, you two are at different places in your life, it's no one's fault, it just is what it is. This is the attitude you need to carry, so you have to try to remain impervious to his one-sided, rather childish attempts at emotional blackmail.
What do you do? You tell him that the relationship is not working for you. You do not reciprocate his feelings for you. You are not happy with the too much/too soon stuff he's laid on you. You do not feel comfortable with the way he's laid the responsibility for his happiness onto you. So with some regret, and good wishes for the future, you part company. Tell him you hope that he does find the person who will return his feelings. You tell him that he'll need some time to get over the break up, which you fully understand, and that he may not want to see you for a while, which you also understand. When he feels ready for friendship with you, you'll be there for that.
You then leave him to cope with it; don't stick around and negotiate or discuss things or try to comfort him. He's got to find support for himself; you are not his nanny or his wife or even his girlfriend any longer, harsh as that sounds.
So do perservere and be firm and the key to this is that you have to leave after you break up with him; do NOT hang around watching him cry, do NOT let him keep talking about his feelings. He's going to have to experience these at some point, and it might as well be now, because you are not going to be able to stay with him forever.
So deliver the blow and then leave. Harsh as that sounds, that will ultimately be the best thing for both of you.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you that's a good point :) xx
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (11 January 2009):
Jesus, he really does sound like he's use any kind of manipulation on you to keep you. He's desperate so be prepared for him to say anything including hurtful things to try and get you to stay.
My first boyfriend started talking about suicide whenever I tried to say I wasn't happy with the relationship.
But I left him eventually and he was happier for it as he said by the end he felt like he was on a sinking ship and could only focus on bailing out water to try and keep the relationship above water, rather than just accepting it, putting on a life jacket and swimming away to one of the many million other boats in the area.
Point out that if trying to leave him makes you cold hearted then what does that make him for trying to keep you prisoner with someone you could grow to hate for making you stay?
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply Emilyssnwers...I have already said more or less exactly what you wrote, but I think I'm just going to have to be a bit tougher and a bit firmer.
He's quite in touch with his feminine side and cries easily...The time I tried to break up with him he cried and told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, I'd have to be a really cold hearted person to ignore that and walk away :(
But I do feel a bit manipulated...It's not fair using emotional blackmail to keep someone with you, especially if they don't want to be with you.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (11 January 2009):
I know you feel guilty and yes you are right because I think you knew he would get like this, but HE convinced you he would take care of his own feelings.
You are not soley to blame for this.
It's going to be horrible breaking up with him but you've already tried to talk to him about slowing down and not being so intense.
Think of it as like a waxing strip. You've tried peeling it off really slowly and he's having none of it. Now you just have to give it a good yank and it's going to hurt him like hell but then it will be over and he can move on and find a girl who'll love him and want to settle down and all that stuff.
Tell him you don't love him as any more than a friend and you tried to but you don't and him talking about all this heavy marriage stuff has just sealed it in your mind that it's not going to work and you are going to hurt him if you stay with him so you have to go.
It's going to be awful and I don't envy you in your task but it has to be done sometimes.
Good Luck!! xx
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