A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So about four to five months ago i got out of a physical/mental abusive relationship, after about three months of being single ( short period of time i know) i met a new man i'll call him J. I really held off on going on dates or texting/calling him but after seeing how nice and interested in me he wasi gave in. Although J is nothing like my ex, the memories of teh things my ex would say about my body and my sexual performance keep replaying in my mind, J only knows a little about the way my ex treated me so he doesn't know how i feel. I am small and slim and never really had a self confidence issues until my last relationship. I told J that i want to wait a while for sex and make a stronger connection with him and he was fine with that but the more i look at myself the less i see myself being able to do anything sexual with J...i really need some help with this should i tell him the real reasons?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): Congratulations for getting away from your ex. Abusive relationships may end when you leave but the impacts of how you were treated remain, sometimes in the very back of your head without you realising it. Your ex's abuse included him demeening your performance in tbe bedroom and now you feel like you don't want to go there with your new guy. That is completely understandable. Many woman come through abusive relationships and get on with there lives. I would guess that none of these find it easy. You need to realise your ex said bad things to and about you because of his own insecurities/ contr issues etc. Just because he said it doesn't make it true. In fact, because he said it in order to demean you makes it very far from reality! You need to give yourself time to recover from what this guy did to you and its great that your new guy is wiling to wait. Stop pressurising yourself to progress further than you are ready to. Once you have recovered more and your relationship with this new guy has blossomed, you are very likely to forget this feeling. You don't neccessarily have to share what went on with him to your new guy but you may well benifit from talking to a consellor. Regardless, you need to remember that you are a worthwhile individual who will define yourself. You do not need others to tell you who you are. You will not take second best from any relationship. Good luck.
A
female
reader, RM24  +, writes (11 November 2010):
Hey...I'm a young woman. I was with my ex for 3 years and he lied a lot to me, did things behind my back and there were accusations of him cheating on me but years later, the truth is still unknown. Almost two years ago, I met this amazing guy, I did't want a relationship because of what I went through with my ex and he knew all of this. I confided in him, I told him everything about my past and he still stood by me, texting me every single day for a year, saw me almost every night for a year and finally one night I gave into him asking me out because he was nothing like my ex. Well...less than a year into our relationship, his anger problem got worse. He physically abused me, black and blue eyes, 3 concussions in less than 6 months, he verbally abused me, always insulted me. And when I think back, he was nothing like he was in the beginning. Keep in mind, although a year was a very long time for him to be by my side as just a friend when he fell in love with me, my point is, you never really know someone. My uncle told me 'maybe he was always like this and you just never knew, so technically he might have never changed.' My advice to you is to keep your distance, and be careful, having flashbacks is a very difficult thing to deal with. Over coming situations like this is not easy, it takes alot and a long time, the last thing you need right now is another broken heart. Good luck!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): Its best not to rush things with him just yet, after how your ex treated you its going to be tough and you have to hope J can get you through it, unless J treats you like a queen and he has your trust keep it simple, until then should you take the relationship and trust further, good luck xx
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