A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi i realy need help on this i had a baby a few months ago and i got postnatel depression and i started to hang about wid a friend and my boyfriends brother and my boyfriend was never supportive when my depression got worse so i turned to his brother and we got closer and closer and in the end we kissed but i felt so guilty i went and told my boyfriend the same night and we had a big argument and he forgive me but the next night i went to sleep and i take tablets to help me sleep that i go in to deep sleeps and at about 1 am i woke up and he was having sex with me and i told him that it was wrong and he cant do that and he classes it as getting his own back but i felt abused and disgraced in myself so one again i turned to his brother and we had an affair for about two months but we both ended it because i realised how much i loved my partner but i thought i hated him after what he did to me i thought it was rape but he said it wasnt so i want to know should i tell him about the affair ? even tho where fine together now and was it rape ?plz helpx
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (8 June 2009):
 Well done - best choice - hope it works out!
nx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks every one you've bin great help i am guin to stick wid my partner and work on us and forget about the brother thanks xx
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (7 June 2009):
I feel very sorry for you. You are in a really vulnerable position - being pregnant is a breeze compared to the year or so afterwards - trust me. Your emotions are up and down as your hormones do stuff and you try to return to normal and can't, in all sorts of ways. Life is different and you have to cope, whatever.
I think that's why you were so vulnerable to his bro. I think that at the time when you most needed his most kind and intimate support, your guy let you down. But there was someone else close by who loved you, cared about you, and wanted to give you that support. If it's any comfort, it's a common syndrome that if the new father is useless, some other guy will start feeling sorry for you and effectively coming on to you - same has also happened to me, with 3 pregnancies!! And one of those was also a brother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, you have to be really careful. I think the sex in the night thing has upset you a lot, because it feels like some sort of trespassing - somehow he went too far - took somethin you didn't want to give him, because you were confused, guilty and also annoyed with him deep down - deep down I guess you feel really it is his fault that his brother was able to find you available - because if HE had been doing his job properly, you would never have looked at another guy, let alone his own brother.
The problem you have here is that the brother will always seem really attractive, but if you make the (incredibly disruptive and possibly even dangerous) leap of ditching him for his bro, it is pretty much doomed to failure. You will be judging his bro on his 'knight in shining armour' self - but trust me, guys love rescuing a damsel in distress, but there comes a point where the excitement wears off and they become just as bad as the one they rescued you from!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would tell you to get out all together, but you have a baby with this guy, and being on your own with a baby is not something you want to do unless you absolutely have to.
1. The sensible thing to do would be to forget the brother and work on your relationship with your co-parent.
2. The stupid but understandable thing would be to tell all and then run off with the brother.
3. The scary and difficult thing would be to ditch them both (and anyhow, it wouldn't work like that - the brother would be round - it would just be a more roundabout version of option 2).
Personally I would stick it out with no.1 and try various tactics to get him to behave in a way that will make you happier. Then you will forget about the bro. But you will have to be strict with yourself, because unresolved lust/love is a real puller, I know.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (7 June 2009):
I feel very sorry for you. You are in a really vulnerable position - being pregnant is a breeze compared to the year or so afterwards - trust me. Your emotions are up and down as your hormones do stuff and you try to return to normal and can't, in all sorts of ways. Life is different and you have to cope, whatever.
I think that's why you were so vulnerable to his bro. I think that at the time when you most needed his most kind and intimate support, your guy let you down. But there was someone else close by who loved you, cared about you, and wanted to give you that support. If it's any comfort, it's a common syndrome that if the new father is useless, some other guy will start feeling sorry for you and effectively coming on to you - same has also happened to me, with 3 pregnancies!! And one of those was also a brother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, you have to be really careful. I think the sex in the night thing has upset you a lot, because it feels like some sort of trespassing - somehow he went too far - took somethin you didn't want to give him, because you were confused, guilty and also annoyed with him deep down - deep down I guess you feel really it is his fault that his brother was able to find you available - because if HE had been doing his job properly, you would never have looked at another guy, let alone his own brother.
The problem you have here is that the brother will always seem really attractive, but if you make the (incredibly disruptive and possibly even dangerous) leap of ditching him for his bro, it is pretty much doomed to failure. You will be judging his bro on his 'knight in shining armour' self - but trust me, guys love rescuing a damsel in distress, but there comes a point where the excitement wears off and they become just as bad as the one they rescued you from!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would tell you to get out all together, but you have a baby with this guy, and being on your own with a baby is not something you want to do unless you absolutely have to.
1. The sensible thing to do would be to forget the brother and work on your relationship with your co-parent.
2. The stupid but understandable thing would be to tell all and then run off with the brother.
3. The scary and difficult thing would be to ditch them both (and anyhow, it wouldn't work like that - the brother would be round - it would just be a more roundabout version of option 2).
Personally I would stick it out with no.1 and try various tactics to get him to behave in a way that will make you happier. Then you will forget about the bro. But you will have to be strict with yourself, because unresolved lust/love is a real puller, I know.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi thankyou for your feedback but the thing is he asked to have sex b4 i went to sleep and i sed no but he did it anyway and everytime i see his brother i hate myself for wat i have done but i think i still have feelings for his brother and i cant get rid ov them
xx
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (6 June 2009):
Hmm. This is a weird one. I think technically it perhaps was rape (sex without consent), but he hadn't had negative consent (ie, you hadn't said to him 'whatever you do, don't have sex with me'). In a relationship, I think it's tricky to draw the line. For example, if my partner is asleep and I happen to be awake and happen to notice he has an erection and happen to touch it ... am I raping him? Similarly, if I was asleep and woke up to find my partner having sex with me, I wouldnt feel raped - I'd feel happy. It all depends on your relationship.
However, when you woke up you told him no - I presume he then stopped. He was angry with you, though - and probably confused and hurt much more because it was his own brother. He wanted to own you again.
To be honest, I wouldn't say just 'get rid of him/them' because you have a baby with him. If it truly has all settled down now and you are happy with him and the affair is over, I would probably see how it goes for a while. I wouldn't spoil things by saying about the affair - it would be a big thing to confess - it would change your relationship with your baby's father forever.
You could look at it like this:
He was useless - didn't support you
His punishment, effectively, or the result of his actions, was that you went to someone else (his brother - even worse)
OK, he had sex with you without asking first, but he didn't hurt you, and frankly what you have done, if he knew about it, is much much more hurtful.
I would say that in your heart, to yourself, you can feel that the two of you are quits. I would then draw a line under it and get on with making the best relationship you can with him, for the sake of your baby. You will be parents together forever, and the better you get on, the happier you will all be - trust me - I have been there ...
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (6 June 2009):
 It was rape! Don't stay with him! And don't go with his brother! Get yourself out of this triangle and be alone for a while!
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