A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, I'm in a bad situation at the moment and have never felt so hurt before. I've never really trusted my partner 100% and I was correct for that as I found that he had the intention of sleeping with somebody behind my back which is extremely hurtful but if I'm honest I wasn't surprised by it. Anyway, silly me knows that I am capable of breaking it off with him but I still have part of me that wants to continue with him because I will never want to be wondering "what if?" in future if I didn't go ahead and give it another go. Quite frankly enough I don't believe that he's going to change but I'm still thinking it may be worth a try. I know I'm worth a hell of a lot more but I also don't want to walk away without trying. Most of the time cheaters stay cheats but I know there is a small percentage where it can work out having given somebody a second chance. I don't think this will be the case and I am honestly expecting the worse outcome possible and I know I'm seeming very naive and stupid but it's difficult to let go of something within a blink of an eye although I know I have the willpower to finish things with him. I don't want answers as to whether I'm making the right or wrong choice...I just want some advice on how we could possibly work around this? I may never feel the same way about him again and that's when I will put a stop to things, he may never feel for me. Who knows, all I know is we'll have to start from the beginning all over again which I am so disappointed about. Thanks in advance people. Xx Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2016): It's quite interesting when a very unhappy OP asks for advice; then tells us what kind of advice they don't want, and what kind of advice to give. That is asking us to tell you what you want to hear. If I give you my time and the benefit of my advice; it will either help you, or it won't. I never worry about that, because your question isn't yours alone. Others may have the same question, and you got to post it first.
You have a problem making decisions. That comes from your youth and lack of experience. You also have a stubborn nature; thus, you ask for advice then reject the truth because it may not be what you want to hear.
No one here knows the young man. You do. You are in denial of the facts. First you suspected he was untrue, then you discovered he is. Then you want to give it another go; but you say you know he won't change. Your grief and heartbreak are the reason for your confusion. Your jealousy and ego are the reason you refuse to let him go; fearing he will just return to the other girl. If he did things behind your back, he will continue doing so. He will just be a lot more clever about hiding it. You'll suspect all the same, due to your insecure nature.
Letting go is difficult and you have to learn when and how to do it. Some people just let go, and are willing to deal with the withdrawal-symptoms and the agony. The mind grows so attached to someone that it actually undergoes stress and grief at even the very thought of losing someone we think we really care for.
So the mind plays little tricks. It clouds the bad memories and inflates the good ones. We ruminate all the wonderful loving moments we shared; and we romanticize about being in love. Then we play-out drama like a drama queen in a soap opera. Your post indicates you've covered just about all of the above, and you're now in the stage of denial.
You have to suffer more. You are the kind of person who must learn the hard way, when to let go. You are too in-love with being in love, and detaching from a bad relationship for you will take pain so severe you will nearly need medical attention.
You will not eat or sleep, you'll sulk, and get depressed. You've placed far more value in having him; than he has placed in having you, my dear. You are willing to forgive only as a condition he will stay, but you will make his life miserable. He'll end-up dumping you. He's not going to put-up with your insecurity. That will be even more disastrous for you.
Go ahead and hold onto him as long as you can. You will always be suspicious, you will always wonder what he's doing when he's out of your sight, you will go through his phone; and you will text him every 15 minutes to the hour, to be sure he responds immediately. If he delays, you will assume he is with this other female. You've done this already, I'm quite sure. Only problem is, it will never stop. He will hate you for it.
You don't have to breakup with him. That is your decision to make. Not for us to decide for you. It's just my suggestion to someone willing to consider my advice; and you too, if you care to.
Your mind and soul needs rest. You need to discontinue all contact with that young man. Ignore all his calls, text messages, sorrowful pleas, and phony declarations of how much he loves and misses you. Men feed you the L-word as a slow 4-letter toxin to weaken your resolve and to demand your attention. It's mind-control.
You need to go through the withdrawal associated with your addiction to his spell over you. Cold-turkey! You need to realize he is not your life-support system. You can think, breathe, and your heart can beat all on your own. He is not the center of your universe. You have the power over your emotions. You only handed him the controls. You run on your own power, sweetheart. Not under his control.
You need time to mature. You've invested too much time in a relationship; and not enough in growing-up and becoming a strong and independent woman. You're still a spoiled little girl clinging to her puppy-love; who is growing into a man and wanting to explore his manhood. He wants to see what it's like dating other girls, and he's tired of your clinging and insecurity. He's tired of being your make-believe husband.
I would recommend to anyone, male or female, in such a situation; to breakup and start the process of getting over the pain. Learn that you have the power and the strength to get-over a breakup. You must allow yourself to do other things good for you; and to spend sometime becoming acquainted with yourself. Reserve a supply of love for yourself to survive on. You must discover yourself. Test your potential, know your self-worth, and grow. This is best done independently; with random dating on the side for entertainment and recreation. Dancing, dining, and fun. Not always an all-out fit for Hollywood love story.
You are too immature to handle a complicated relationship. You don't know when to let go of something bad for you, and you survive on false-hope. The best thing is to let go, and move on. There will be other guys, and you will surely find better. You need to learn more about men, various types of men. In order to find the best match. He will get jealous of seeing you so strong, and he will do all he can to draw you back; because he needs to keep his hold over you. He also fears you will find someone better than he is. He fears someone else can actually replace him and make you happier. That fear is true. You can, and you will.
You don't have to accept any of this. There are others in your shoes who will. I never feel my advice is wasted. If I gave you this much time and effort, it's because I care.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 November 2016):
 You have asked for advice on moving forward so that is what I am going to give you. I am not going to tell you what you should do as you don't want to hear that.
You need to sit down with him and ask him why he wants to be with you? He also needs to tell you why he felt the need to cheat, what was lacking in the relationship to make him wander? He also needs to spend time earning your trust and showing you how important you are to him. You also need to let him know it is going to be a hard trip ahead and ask him is he prepared to work hard to win you back. You need to be clear that not all is forgiven.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (30 November 2016):
 I don't get why you could be wondering what if? What if, what? What if you stay together and he cheats on you ? What if he breaks your heart?
What are you hoping for? You know he will chest if he doesn't get find out so I'm not sure what you're expecting to happen.
Surely you can't be expecting a promising future with someone that was going to cheat on you?
I'm pretty certain you could find someone who won't have these urges to cheat.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 November 2016):
 You can't "work around it" you two HAVE to sit down and talk it out. He HAS to give you a reason as to WHY he wanted to do it, WHY he thought it was OK and whether is he remorseful for that choice or not.
"Working around it" is more of a "pretend" there isn't a huge aggressive hippo in the room.
My guess is he did what he did because he is immature. He isn't really ready for the same level of commitment as you are. And that is not something YOU can change by sticking it out with him or loving him. It's something HE has to learn and want.
You CAN NOT move forward unless you DEAL with the issues at hand. Which are part immaturity and part a difference in morals and values in you two?
You don't have to start from the beginning with most of the relationship, but... with the TRUST part you do. HE needs to be willing to REBUILD the trust you lost due to HIS actions.
You may find down the road that you gave it a chance but when trust is gone, other things goes out the window too... they fall like dominoes. First trust, then respect (for him and yourself) then faith ( that it might still work out) and lastly love. If you get to that point, know that you gave it a chance but that YOU deserve to be with someone who RESPECTS you and whom YOU can respect. Someone who can trust you and you can trust etc. Don't stick it out if you feel miserable. Or if you feel like you constantly have to monitor your BF, check his phone, e-mail, Instagram, Facebook etc. to see if he is up to no good. THAT isn't healthy. Basically? Put yourself first.
You are both young and have a lot of lessons to learn and personal growth to achieve.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (30 November 2016):
 What you have to understand is that the relationship you had is finished. It's over. It will never be the same again. You know that don't you?
The question for you both is whether you are able or even want to build something new together. A lot of talking needs to take place. Rules need to be set and understood. If you are to place any trust in your partnership then he has to earn it back.
You don't give it - he earns it. And if there is another incidence of infidelity you show him the door.
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