A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My GF needs some help and I'm not sure what I can do.I've been with her 4 years and everything has been good. We're compatible, we resolve disagreements quick, etc. I'm not going to bore you with a list of how great things usually are...Three months ago, her mom had a cancer scare. The doctor found something that was of concern. She had to go through the whole thing - getting that call, being scared, having a biopsy, being put under for it, then waiting over a week to finally hear the results. During most of that week she spent the time at her parent's house - which I understood and was totally OK with.It turned out to be completely benign and nothing is wrong.But, since this happened, my girlfriend's been more and more distant from me and more and more close to her family. For lack of a better way to put it, she's kissing her mom's ass. Whenever her mom calls, she answers immediately, all the time, any time. Even if we're in a movie. She's constantly checking her phone to see if her mom calls when she has it silenced, and if her mom did call she excuses herself and goes to call her mom back. When she needs help with things, she used to ask me first - I am her boyfriend after all. But now she asks her mom first. Why? Because her mom said she misses helping her. Again, she's doing whatever her mom wants. She'll even ask for my help, then tell me at the very last minute that she doesn't need it because her mom called and offered instead and she doesn't want to hurt her mom's feelings. (I want to ask 'what about mine?' in that situation...)She stands me up, cancels our plans, and even forgets to return my calls because she was involved with something having to do with her mom. It is literally to a point where any time her mom asks her for something the answer is an emphatic yes, and she will move heaven and earth to make it happen, even if it's at the expense of a promise she made to me or anyone else for that matter.Every weekend, she visits home. She used to do that maybe once a month. Now it's every single weekend. And when she is home, I don't hear from her, and even friends we share call me to ask if she's OK. (By now her friends have figured out the same thing - that she's with her mom - but still.) Sometimes she even goes home Thursday night and takes Friday and doesn't come back till early Monday morning.When I've tried to express how I feel about this to her, not just for us but for her own sake, she fixates on the cancer scare. "No, I'm not doing anything bad/unhealthy/wrong/etc.; I just learned from that scare how much I'd miss my mom if something had happened to her; I am so glad I reconnected with her and made our family relationship closer; I can't believe you'd be jealous of that or that you'd even consider saying it's bad to care about your mother." It turns into one of those arguments where she will find the logical opposite of any reasonable comment I make. Her emotions are clearly ruling these thoughts.My point is that firstly, her mom didn't end up having cancer. She's totally fine. Yeah, cancer is scary - I myself lost a very, very close friend to cancer. And when it turned out he had cancer, yes, I did spend a lot of extra time with him. If my GF's mom turned out to have cancer, I'd totally understand her wanting to see her as much as possible - in fact I'd encourage it in that situation. But, she is fine, all clear. My GF's entire behavior comes down to "I realized I'd miss her if she died, and even though she doesn't have cancer, I'm going to act like every day is my last day with her - LITERALLY."And the further point is that while I can totally respect her wanting to be closer to her mom, she's being disrespectful to me in the process. She's standing me up and cancelling plans at the last minute. She's not even as attentive to me as she always has been when we're together - it's clear that her mom is on her mind. Her mom comes up in conversation pretty much constantly. I feel like she's running these scenarios in her head of her mom being dead or deathly sick or something, and she's basically driving herself mad. The only sanctuary she has from her own fears is seeing her mom alive, well and happy. I lost my friend to cancer as I said. My mom was actually diagnosed with cancer, and she went through chemotherapy, radiation, the whole bit. She came out clean, but I watched her go through this all. Yes, it made me closer to my mom. My dad almost died when I was 14, and he spent two months on life support during which we had no idea if he'd ever retain normal functionality. Recently he spent three months in the hospital and almost died again - he didn't need life support this time, but still. So, I am the first who will tell you all about dealing with your parents' deteriorating health as they age. But, I still have my own life, my own friends, my girlfriend, etc. I make more time for my mom, but I don't neglect everything else in my life! And if my GF could balance it the same way, I'd be OK with it. We've been going out 4 years so "dump her and move on" isn't quite as simple as it might otherwise be. We are at that point of having some things in our lives tied together - things I wouldn't tie up with someone I've only been with a year or so. In fact, I was starting to consider when I might pop the question - then this happened.I really do want to help her get through this, but she's basically shoving me aside - and even shoving some of her friends aside. What should I do???
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013): First off, OP, let me tell you that I feel for you. Losing and nearly losing close loved ones is bad enough, but what's happening to your relationship right now is only adding insult to injury. For what it's worth, you have my sympathies.As for the matters at hand;What would be a reasonable period for her to be in this state? That's a tricky question - ask the person herself (or any outsider who's projecting their own personal traumas onto this situation...), and they'll say that any lenght of time is reasonable. As you say, people in this state are simply beyond reason.Experiences like being confronted with the (near-)loss of a loved one leave quite an emotional impact to say the least. In order to deal with such experiences, individuals need to face them and process them. But, unfortunately, this is not the sort of problem that's guaranteed to be solved if given enough time. Not everybody deals with such experiences in proper or healthy ways, and there is always the possebility that the individual never actually manages to process the traumatic experience and just ends up in a vicious cycle.What your girlfriend is doing right now seems to be a good example of dealing with things in an unhealthy way - she's clinging to her own fear of losing her mother to the point that it's beginning to rule her life.And you say your girlfriend is 23? Ay...OP, you're in your early thirties. You've seen your mother suffer (and thankfully recover) from cancer, you've seen your father be at Death's door on more than one occasion, and you've even lost a close friend to cancer.Your girlfriend, meanwhile, has only just taken her first steps into proper adulthood. I obviously don't know her situation, so I have no idea how much experience she has with losing loved ones thus far - but from what you're describing, I'm getting the feeling that this is the first time that she's really been confronted with the mortality of a particularly close loved one, like a parent.In other words: there's a considerable difference in life experience between the two of you. This is only compounding the problem.That said; I'm not going to advise you to leave her.The situation you're describing is pretty worrying. The guilt tripping on her mother's part is a particularly bad sign, as is the fact that she regularly stands you up etc. because of her mother. I'll admit that leaving would propably be the most sensible thing to do for the average man in your situation.But like you said; you love her, and you've built something up with her. You're not going to bail and leave her in this mess - and rightly so, because a breakup right now will likely only push her deeper into this vicious cycle.Hmm... the best advice I can give you right now, is to somehow make her realize what sort of situation she's created here.Talking to her friends about this might also help. Considering what you said about the weekends and how her friends actually ended up calling you just to make sure that she was OK, I really wouldn't be surprised if she's neglecting her friendships as well. And odds are that her friends are likewise getting worried about all this.And like you said; if your girlfriend insists upon spending most of her time with her mother for the time being, then she should realize that she should act and plan accordingly. She wants to be there for her mother? Then tell her to be consistent about it; if she thinks that dinners and movies get in the way of that, then she should just give up on those things for the time being.Judging from what you've said about her still making all those big plans, I'd say that she has yet to actually realize that her current focus on her mother is having a real, negative impact on her relationship with you.She'll need to realize and admit that her other relationships are suffering - deteriorating, even - as a result of how she's currently going about things. Otherwise, she will - as you already said - continue with subconsciously cutting you (likely along with her friends) loose.There'll still be a lot of work to do at that point, but it should at least be a working first step.PS: a note on the book 'Motherless Daughters' that was mentioned earlier in the comments; the writer of that book, Hope Edelman, wrote this as part of the process of dealing with the trauma of losing her mother. However, Hope Edelman is not a psychologist or a psychiatrist, or even a sociologist. Her BA was in journalism and her MA was in writing nonfiction. She is *not* a professional when it comes to matters of psychology, which is something that should be kept in mind here.Another detail that should be kept in mind, is that trauma can and will twist your perception. Take it from someone who's in therapy for PTSD; it takes A LOT of work for a traumatized person to be even remotely reasonable or objective when trying to talk about their own trauma.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2013): OP here writing in again.Thanks for all your comments...How old is she? She is younger than me - 23. Her mom is 52, and I sincerely hope her mom has many good years ahead of her. Like I said, I do understand spending time with someone who is sick, and I also understand improving your relationship with someone who you realize you could lose. I actually do regret not spending even more time with my friend who passed away. So I can respect that part of it.However, how long is a reasonable period for her to be in this state? Six months? A year? A lifetime?...What I'm worried about with her is how she's becoming so intertwined with her mom. She is starting to give up her own independence and allow her mom to get way too into her life again, out of what she feels is respect. To paraphrase the situation I see her being in, it's basically "I want this, but my mom wouldn't like it if I did it. Before I wouldn't have cared, but since I don't know how long my mom will be alive, I better not make her mad, so therefore I'm going to do what my mom wants instead." Her mom and her have always had a few sticky points in their relationship. One of those is the simple fact that her mom has never truly dealt with the "empty nest". She gets jealous and upset if anyone else spends time with her daughter, even friends. I know this is a tough thing for any parent to deal with, but to me, once you start involving guilt trips and manipulation, you're crossing a line.Another sticky point for her with her mom - and the reason I'm not close to her mom at all - is relationships. It still relates back to the empty nest syndrome. Her mom actually doesn't dislike me specifically. She just is the kind of parent who doesn't feel ANY guy will ever be right for her daughter. She's constantly warning my GF about "shady guys." She's met me, and admitted to my GF that I seem like a very up-and-up decent guy, but "You never know, some guys are crafty." I know she's only looking out for her, but she makes her feel guilty about our relationship, because the insinuation is that by dating me she's throwing her mother's concern out the window. I feel this may be why she's distancing herself from me now. The thought pattern I see is "I love my BF, but my mom doesn't like me dating (reason irrelevant). I don't want to lose my BF, but I also don't want to "disrespect" my mom. So I won't break up with my BF, but I'll pull away from him..."We had agreed that until we're ready to tie the knot, all we really can do is deal with it, because you really can't change someone's feelings, you can only learn to deal with them. I've been through manipulative situations like this before. My first GF was a veteran guilt-tripper and manipulator. For the longest time, I did whatever she wanted because "I didn't want to make her mad" and "I wouldn't want something bad to happen to her" and so on. Eventually, though, I started to deeply resent her. I finally had to get myself out of the relationship because I was starting to do things not because I loved her but because I felt it was the only way to "respect" her. The difference of course is I was able to dump my GF; my current GF cannot, and should not, dump her mom.So I worry if my GF continues to give up her own self too much for her mom, regardless of why, she'll end up resenting her mom, and it will damage their relationship, in turn damaging her and all her other relationships. I don't want to see her give up her hopes and dreams because her mom *could* get sick someday. I don't want to see her get manipulated. I just want to see her have a healthy, fulfilling relationship with her mom, where she has plenty of time in her life to spend with her mom, as well as the others who are important in her life (the rest of her family, her friends, and of course me.)And finally, the real problem I have is when she makes big plans with me then cancels last minute or doesn't even cancel at all and stands me up. If she needs a month off to be with her mom, then she should just go ahead and take it, and tell me not to plan to see her for that month, and leave it at that. By making plans with me then standing me up, *I* feel disrespected - if even in the sense of she doesn't have enough respect to just tell me she's going to see her mom and not to plan anything. It's really irritating and hurtful to make dinner or hotel reservations, buy bus tickets, etc. and have her stand me up!I don't want to break up with her. I was throwing that out pre-emptively because I've seen a lot of "she's not worth it, dump her and move on" advice - on here and many other places - so I just wanted to emphasize that I am serious enough about this relationship that I'm not ready to just walk away - I want to try all reasonably possible approaches to make it work.Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 May 2013):
 The first thing that jumps out at me is your comment “it turned out to be completely benign and nothing is wrong.” That sir is your FIRST mistake. SOMETHING is VERY WRONG. It’s just not what you think.
The bond between mother and child is nothing compared to the bond between MOTHER and ADULT FEMALE CHILD. I lost my mom when I was 35. I was WAY TOO YOUNG to lose my mother. Sadly I did not understand that till I was in my 40s. Your girlfriend has had the scare of her LIFE and you say “NOTHING IS WRONG” because her mother is not in mortal danger this minute. BUT the realization that she will lose her mother is now very REAL for her and that is very painful.
But let me read more….
UMM yeah her mother DID have a cancer scare and going to see her parents is important to her. My mother did not have a cancer scare. MY MOTHER had CANCER. AND yet from the second it happened, the rest of my life including my JOB was put on hold. MY sons were not even teens yet and they were with their dad. I took a leave of absence from work as needed (my father covered my expenses as needed) and I flew back and forth between Maryland and Florida every other weekend for the first 9 months my mother was dying. She was not even that sick at first and we had hope… I still was there more than I was home. And when the final call came, I had just been down there the week before, My dad said “You don’t’ need to come do you?” and I said… “yes I do” and he said “fine” I called work the next morning, I took leave and I got on the plane yet again. I went down there planning 6 weeks (that was how much time we were told was her MINIMUM time) I had her for SIX DAYS….. what if I had waited? I HELD MY MOTHER’S hand when she died. She died in 1995 and I sit here CRYING NOW thinking about it.
Your girlfriend is doing what she feels is right… you will be there after mom and who knows how long mom could be here… she could have a heart attack and die tomorrow. If your girlfriend is working and running her day to day life and not having issues with work or other things, then by all means I think she should spend as much time as she likes with her family and her mother. It just happened THREE MONTHS ago, not THREE YEARS ago.
LOSING a friend to cancer, losing a grandparent, losing even a sibling does NOT compare or even BEGIN to touch a woman losing her mother. Get a hold of a book called “Motherless Daughters” and read it. You can then see how the loss of a mother for a woman is greater than ANY LOSS ANYONE will ever have.
If you are concerned that she's over the top and that she's losing her grasp of reality, then perhaps she needs some counseling.
You also could discuss with her that if you have plans and it's NOT a CRISIS could the plans still be maintained as you are feeling jealous hurt and left out. And sadly if she can't figure out how to integrate you with her family (maybe if you are that close and are considering popping the question you should just say "sure we can go to mom's instead." when she wants to cancel plans.
Instead of being AT ODDS with this woman you were THINKING of marrying why aren't YOU going with her to visit her family?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 May 2013):
 What about being a bit more patient and a little less self centered ? That's her mom, for Pete's sake ! Your Gf got scared, mightily scared, she explained you her human, natural thought process very clearly and precisely. Will it go on like this for the rest of her life ? Probably and hopefully not, she'll do what 90% of people do, she'll calm down, put things in perspective, and follow the powerful , inarrestable push FORWARD of life.
When my son was 9 I risked losing him , for several months after he was already totally healed , I still slept on a cot in his bedroom, until HE kicked me out with determination, because it cramped his style :). Now he is 22 and I am not even an apprehensive mom, the kind of mom who can't sleep if the son boards a plane or stays out the night, in fact I am very chill and relaxed. But then I was scared, horribly scared, and it takes a while to process this and forget, and , reading your post, am I glad that people around me let me deal with my issues in my own way and time, without constantly pulling my sleeve for attention !
It's great that you are less emotional and more level headed , and you can deal more efficiently with crisis, emergencies, health scares, but- she is not you, she does not HAVE to be you, and you should not try to force her to be you.
If you want to keep an eye on the situation, make sure it does not become too entrenched, HELP her progress showing love, care, and UNDERSTANDING, - if you want affectionately remind her that you miss the way things were and the time you used to spend together,- if you want to share your fears and vulnerabilities about this situation, in a non whiny, non sulky way, - I guess it's OK. But going about it in your current entitled way won't bring any positive result and could even create more distance.
As for boyfriends ( boyfriends... not even husbands... ) coming before moms ... as a mom :), I will only say a resounding : PFUI! YOU WISH !
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