A
male
age
36-40,
*84
writes:I'm 24 and my girl friend is 20yr old girl we have been together for about 10 months now. I have been in several relationships before but nothing has come close to this. She is amazing, she drives me crazy and has so much going for her. We are both very goal orientated, have so much in common, the sex is great and we started living together after about 2 months unofficially then after 6 months officially. Before I was with my girl friend I had a string of on and off girl friends and also being a single guy I would look at porn now and again too. I would go through fazes of watching and masturbating to it every night for a month and then not look at it for a month or so.Recently my girl friend saw some pop ups and some windows of porn videos all very busty girls (my girl friend doesn't have big boobs) and she confronted me about it. I told her the truth and that I only look at it occasionally and that I don't masturbate to it because she is enough for me its just something to do now and again. I don't need to masturbate to it as she is more than enough for me but I still like to look at porn.Then again a week or later she went on my laptop after I had been looking at some sites and went looking through the history I presume and found them - again bigged boobed girls. She got really mad at me this time and she is still mad at me - Really mad and really upset and it kills me to see her like this.She has never had a long term boy friend before and she knows that I have had several girl friends in the past and she has told me that it makes her worry. I have never had a girlfriend get mad at me over looking at porn before and I have never known any of my friends to get in trouble for looking at porn either except for by their mums maybe. I do not cum or masturbate watching porn because I want to save myself for her at the end of the day. I think about her all the time, I love her so much and I just cant imagine a future with us not together. Her happiness means everything to me and to see her so upset at me because of something I have done really makes me mad at myself. I have told her that I like big boobs, its just the way I am. She has a great body but not boobs the size of the girls on the internet have and I know it makes her feel insecure. Those girls on the internet are not real its just fantasy and what is real is what we share together, if it as such a big deal to me then we wouldn't be together or I would be at strip clubs or getting hookers or picking up girls at the bar. Our sex is great and crazy and amazing and I don't know of a way around this. I have given up so much already to make her happy - I quit smoking - after smoking everyday since I was 18 - I quit going out with my friends to bars. I would never cheat on her ever in a millions years. I just don't know what to do. I'm not going to stop looking at porn. The more she gets angry at me the more I want to look at it. I can't tell her I'm never going to look at porn again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2009): Ask older sister,upon what information do you place what is healthy and what is not in a relationship?You mention that the writer who asked the question is not ready for her illusion of love to be shattered - Isn't he the one who is living in an illusion with porn. I would have to say that she is the one desiring a healthy relationship and is not getting it yet is being criticized!!!Yet in your line of thinking it seems that it's ok for him to have his illusion maintained and not hers seems like double standards to me. I really find it hard to understand why people respond by placing the blame on someone because they don't like something and feel hurt by it. They get accused of being insecre, young, not wanting to shatter their illusion of love. Why does she not receive the acceptance you give him? If porn is as natural, healthy and as innocent as people make out then why is hidden and is wrecking so many relationships?I think you're right when you say that the topic is so controversial, but the facts are, this writer has a problem with it and needs empathy and understanding, why is it that she is the one seeking understanding yet the responses support him... very harmful. I don't believe your comments are supportive or helpful, they tend to have an underlying edge of blame and judgement of the writer. - is this healthy???
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2009): My boyfriend used to watch porn before we met. I'm not into porn myself although I'm open to trying things that turn my partner on. My partner isn't interested in porn now as he feels it can't compare to the real thing. You say your sex life is good so I'm wondering why you watch it? I think it's important you weigh up how much porn means to you as you may just lose her. Don't let this turn into a power struggle. I don't think it's about her wanting to control you or her being young and insecure, I think it's about boundaries and respect. Porn is so accepted as being normal yet I really don't think it's healthy and unhealthy things coming into a relationship can only result in trouble. It's up to you though...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2009): From a girls point of view, you have to understand that she feels threatened. You are saying that you hate to see her like this but you also said that you aren't going to stop for her either. Does she know this? If she does, then afraid to say it but you are pushing her away. It changes the way she sees you. She is going to feel sad everyday until she has had enough and she will leave you. Everyone gets sick of the same thing over and over.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): Some girls wont accept porn, when she's older she may have a diffrent view but at the moment she hates it. This may end your relationship considering how young she is, she can easily move on and try to find someone who dosen't look at porn. I don't get how you can't hide it better, can't you delete the history? and why are you choosing porn over her?
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (12 June 2009):
It seems like you've given up a lot for this girl. Not that this is bad, but it seems like she definitely likes to control you because of her own insecurities. Honestly, when I was younger and much more insecure, I would be upset about my boyfriend looking at porn. However, as I've gotten older, I began to realize that pretty much every guy looks at porn and it's just a movie that turns them on. Heck, even I sometimes look at porn. I don't think you should feel too bad about it, it's just her being insecure. Let her know that she has nothing to worry about, you don't look at those women because you're unsatisfied with her or wish she looked differently. Give her your reasons why you look at it. You don't want to lie to her and tell her that you won't ever look at it, because if she finds out you did anyway then she'll be even more angry. Unless it's a problem where you're addicted to porn and it's getting in the way of your lives--then worry about it. Just do your best to explain to her it's just a fantasy like to mentioned and that she doesn't need to feel bad about herself. If she still can't find that acceptable, then it's really her problem and she needs to get over it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): You sound just like my boyfriend and your girlfriend sounds just like me... except my boyfriend does masturbate to porn, but says that he thinks of me while he does it and that it's only to check out what they're doing ('cause he has a crappy imagination) and not to check out the girls... of course I don't believe him, he's probably trying to be sweet.
Ok, I don't think it's cheating nor that it leads to cheating. So maybe that's not what worries your girlfriend? You said it worries her that you've had girlfriends before and that you're his first boyfriend. Now, she shouldn't worry or get concerned about your past. But maybe she feels insecure because you've had more experience, and girls in porn have more experience, and maybe she feels she doesn't quite measure up. Girls can get quite anxious about performance too, especially when the boyfriend has had more partners. So it's probably not that she thinks you'll cheat, maybe she thinks you may leave her for someone with more experience.
My boyfriend has also told me he likes big breasts, considering mine are small, that it's his nature, etc., etc. Maybe it's me, but being that blunt all the time is not good. Being honest, yes, about things that matter, but I wish he'd kept quiet about that one. I'm just saying, I mean there are many, many self-confident females who don't feel affected by that sort of things. But I do. And so does your girlfriend. And it's insecurity. You see, for small chested gals, it's a tough world. While it's true that fashion models barely have breasts, they're either anorexic looking and guys don't lust after them. Let's face it, the models that guys like go from Victoria's Secret models to glamour models, etc. They're all curvier than say, Kate Moss.
For a small chested girl, all she sees in the media, is the glorification of big breasts. For instance in the UK they have Page 3 girls, all busty. And so on. Not huge, but usually ranging from C to E. Which is still a lot. It's a sensitive issue for girls with a small bust. Also the increasing rate of breast augmentations, and how the media makes you feel "deformed" if you don't have big breasts. To hear your boyfriend say that he prefers something that you have can make the inadequacy previously felt turn into pure paranoia.
I wish my boyfriend would have said something like "I like ALL breasts, no matter the size". Just a little white lie - not so much of a lie anyway (what guy doesn't like all breasts anyway?). Now everytime I see a big breasted girl, I feel inferior and like he'd like her (sexually) better. And to know that he fantasizes about girls like this! (Even though he says he thinks about me when he masturbates, which I DON'T BELIEVE... I'm not stupid, guys fantasize about what they can't have). Nothing he's done makes me feel better. Maybe it'd work with your girlfriend though. Just be very attentive of her breasts, tell her how much you like them, just appreciate them a lot. And if she asks again, just tell her that you like all breasts, no matter the size, or that you love her breasts better out of all others, because they're attached to her (some girls fall for sappy things like this, I don't, but it's worth a shot).
I know that you, as a guy, feel this is no biggie. But girls and guys can be very different at times. What do you find irritating about her? Let's see... we girls tend to get all emotional watching chick flicks. We get these emotional rushes. Well, some do. Maybe compare it? Ask her if watching these moves has any meaning for her. She will probably say that they don't. Tell her that you feel the same way about porn as she does about chick flicks. It's meaningless. Sure, in porn there's sex and a more obvious response, but when you watch a chick flick there ARE responses too. You feel rushes of blood going to your heart, you may get tearful... we are visual too! We respond to images, maybe not sexually, but emotionally.
What else? Well, for some of us, it's difficult to accept that our boyfriend watches porn, especially because of the differences concerning breast size (well, other similar situations happen... big chested girls with guys who love small breasts, skinny girls with guys who prefer BBW, etc.). I've just had to accept it. Bite my tongue when a busty chick walks by. I've learned to just have internal freak outs and move on, but I no longer involve him. he won't change. I might as well do so.
One nosey question, you don't have to answer if you don't want to... but why do you watch porn and not masturbate to it? I thought that was the whole point! I mean... I know you want to save your "energy" for your girlfriend, but then why watch it if you'll get all horny but won't be able to pleasure yourself?
Hope this helps a bit.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): There are many people in the world that have insecurity issues, with many, a narrow mind and with that narrow mindedness, bundle many things together into one level, regardless of the context in which it is given in. When it comes down to what you should and should not do, you must assess this as whether it is a worthy investment or not. If it is, then further compromise will be needed. From the looks of it, this may become a reoccurring problem if your relationship with her extends beyond what you have right now - eg: marriage.This may also encourage her to start controlling other parts of your life. Eg: looking at other women, even glancing, making comments about other women, even mild ones and spending a little time with your own friends, even for a couple of drinks for an hour or two once every month.She might not. You have to gauge all of this yourself. Strangers can only assume she might or might not.Like all types of relationships, compromise, along with communication are the keys to continuing one. If you are unwilling to further compromise yourself, then she may not be the one for you. However, sometimes, it may very well be that she needs reassurance and understanding, rather than control.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): from a guy...
I have written long, long answers explaining what I believe about this subject. I will keep this response brief.
1. Many if not most girls dislike porn. I guess they think they are competing with those porn women which is not at all true. (Talk about competition, they never think about how we feel when they pull out their electric sex toys, but that's another subject.)
1a. Practically all guys like the cheap entertainment of porn.
2. Explain if you can that watching porn is nothing but cheap entertainment. Honestly it's a lot like watching pro wrestling. We all know it's fake too but it is still entertaining.
3. Since it involves sex, occasionally guys are stimulated to masturbate. But it has nothing to do with fantasizing about sex with those pro women on the screen.
4. Show her, if she will look, how there are abundant segments of porn dedicated to small breasted women.
5. Though you might like large breasts, it might make her feel better to know that most guys don't care about breast size. Based on the guys I have known and according to most of the posts on this site and others, guys just don't care about breast size. My motto: "There is no such thing as a below-average breast."
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): If you wont give up something as silly as porn for someone you truly love, perhaps she deserves better. Is porn really that important to you that you feel its something you cant live without? Maybe you need to think about whats more important to you.
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