A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend has recently got a new job (through one of her male friends) and now she has said to me that she thinks she will take him out for dinner to say "thank you."I've never met this guy and am not at all happy about this, even the thought of it fills me with jealousy and anger. She assures me they're just friends and that he is her "best friend" even though she's told me I am her best friend loads of times.I have not been sleeping too well because of this and she seems to be a bit distant lately but is sometimes 'herself' in short phases.I asked her last night if she absolutely must go for dinner with this guy then I would like to join you please and that would also allow me to meet this guy and know what he's all about.She went a bit mad at this and said I should stop bringing it up as I'm just trying to annoy her and cause problems! lolI trust her in general but I do not approve of this arrangement whatsoever and said could you not just get him a bottle instead and card?Am I right to think like this or am I wrong?Thanks for any help
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2013): This is a tight rope for anyone male or female. Do you maintain a sense of control over the your relationship and risk granting another enough wiggle room to sow the seeds of an affair and risk looking like a jealous and insecure ass, or do you put your foot down and remove doubt and for sure look like a jealous ass and potentially drive her away with jealousy. You must weigh out all the factors and decide which course is the better one. There is no way we can make this decision for you. I lean toward following instinct, and yours is telling you to watch out.
A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (7 October 2013):
 HI
I think you have a point here. If there is nothing other than plutonic friendship here why not invite you along to meet the so called best friend? who helped her get her job! you have a reason to feel this way. However I would let her go on this meal/date and give her your blessing, and go out yourself with your mates. Also How would she react if you took a female friend out for a meal?? I think a nice bottle of his favourite drink and a thank you card would be more appropriate to be fair, taking him out for a meal is over friendly and over appreciative.
but that's just my opinion
Mandy x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 October 2013):
 You are WAY overreacting!
He helped her get a job and she takes him out for dinner - I DO NOT see the big deal here.
I do however see why she doesn't want you to come along. You act like you somehow own her and needs to approve of who she spends time with.
What exactly is that you think will happen?
And no, you don't trust her. You don't think she is capable of sharing food with another male without something happening. Not a good sign.
Keep that attitude up and you will be single in no time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): In a word - YES!
I take it this wouldn't bother you if it was a female friend/colleague? If you have no objection to her going out with female friends unaccompanied then why should it bother you when it's a bloke? In essence, you don't trust your girlfriend not to do something inappropriate. That's not good news for the relationship.
What happens when she has to go away for work conferences or training?
If your girlfriend has never given you reason to doubt her, then apologise for your behaviour and let her enjoy a night out with a friend. That means that she doesn't have a curfew, she doesn't have to ring/text you during it and you don't feel the need to do the same. Show her that you're mature and that you trust her. Otherwise this relationship is going nowhere.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): You are way over reacting. She wants to have dinner with one of her friends and you insist you must go and, "see what he is all about?"
Do you think that a guy and a woman cannot be friends without wanting to have sex with each other? Do you think that friends cannot eat dinner in each others presence or it will make them want to have sex with each other? Your view of the world and real life relationships is very limited.
Of course she doesn't want you to come along since this is the reason you want to go. It is embarrassing to her like she is a kid and needs a chaperone to go out somewhere because she either can't be trusted on her own or she is helpless to handle anything that may happen.
Another thing is, do you think you can stop someone from cheating on you? You cannot. If your partner is going to cheat on you she will whether you join her for dinner or not. your being a third wheel in her friendships does not protect your relationship in fact it may hurt it by your blatant display of mistrust and lack of respect for her.
Jealousy ruins relationships. It is not sweet or "protective" because it is all about YOU and YOUR insecurities but taking it out on her. You might want to watch your jealousy or you might end up ruining things with her permanently.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): I am female and best friends are all men. I hang out with them one on one all the time and all we do is talk and complain about our lives, our relationships, and our jobs. There is nothing to it. I think as long as her friend knows that you exist, and that you're not some secret that she's hiding away because she wants to give off the vibe that she's still in the market and is available, then the dinner is probably extremely harmless. I sometimes prefer hanging out with my male friends one-on-one without my bf because I want to talk to them about my relationship or talk about some intimate details about my friend's relationship. If I invite my bf along, he would become some sort of a third wheel and some conversations will become impossible to have. I think you are being very insecure and are making too big of a deal out of this. Perhaps "dinner" sounds too much like a date and you can ask your gf to switch it to lunch instead. At the end of the day though, this need for control will drive you crazy and it will only get worse. Understand that if someone were to cheat on you, they will find a way, and no amount of control you try to exert over her can prevent it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): Yeah I think the problem is you're jealous and insecure. I'm female and have lots of male friends. I wouldn't take kindly to my boyfriend having a problem with that. Seriously stop, you making a big deal out of a small issue. But since you won't give up, suggest that she should perhaps take the guy out for lunch instead of dinner. But really, you need to manage your jealousy. You seem too invested in this relationship. If it just so happens that she cheats on you, well that's life. On to the next one! You can't cry over spilled milk.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (6 October 2013):
 If he's now a new colleague of hers the dinner arrangement makes sense... she may want to pick his brain about the politics in her new workplace and how she can best be successful there. Having recommended her for the job, he should also be interested in seeing her succeed at it, because he'll look foolish too if she turns out to be a bad fit.
A card and bottle of wine, while also expressive of gratitude, wouldn't allow her to mine him for information in this way.
Has she given you any other reason to be suspicious lately?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): I think you may have handled it badly. You allowed jealously to make you look controlling and insecure to your girlfriend.
You lost it, my man!
She said she was taking him to dinner in gratitude for a "job!" Something hard to come by these days, and even harder to keep.
Dinner is a small token compared to the fact you'll benefit from the extra income; if you're sharing living expenses. If you're not, she works to pay her own bills. That's a plus, dude!
I think you've lost a few points with her, and you're edging your way out the door. Does she really need your permission or approval? I think she informed you in all out honesty, and you kind of blew it. Considering you've never met the guy. Why would she want to include you when you'll embarrass her with bad behavior. You'll only bring your jealousy and anger to the dinner table.
She is a grown woman. She can do it, with or without your approval. A hot-headed boyfriend versus a cool guy who just found you a job puts you on the lower side of the scale.
It is understandable that you're apprehensive, if you don't know the guy. You're handling the whole thing badly. You're looking pretty bad; because of the fact you went off on her. Jealousy puts you in a rage. That doesn't put you in a good light; because it's aggressive behavior.
I advise you to dial it down a few degrees; and just be a supportive boyfriend.
She has more than enough reason to tell you get lost. Jealous anger is unacceptable, and it's pretty scary.
Police don't like it. In fact, most people don't. It gets out of hand, and makes people do violent and crazy things. You better get it checked.
Apologize, back-off, and get help with the anger and jealousy; before you lose a girlfriend.
You might have good reason to be insecure; if you act out in "anger" over jealousy. That's justification for a breakup.
That's the scariest thing a woman can experience in a relationship. Some guys can get pretty crazy and violent. Are you?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): Dump her. The fact alone that she refuses to even consider bringing you along screams red flag. She's up to no good. If you put up with this, she'll only getter braver in being unfaithful
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