A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years, we've had some issues along the way but nothing crazy enough to break it up. Until now, its partly my fault as she asked to see my mobile phone and saw a text from a female friend ending with a kiss and a silly thing like good looking boy...it's a purely platonic relationship with this girl and I would never go there with her, she just has a weird personality and randomly says silly things like that (she called my sister a handsome lady once!).Problem is, I neglected to tell my girlfriend that we even talk that much, so she took it all the wrong way. Only reason why I didn't tell her is because every time I speak to a female or even look at one I got the feeling she disapproved. I'm a talkative dude, I wouldn't say I'm a flirt...just genuinely interested in people. When I go clubbing, I end up talking to girls and guys and don't find it hard making new friends.Whereas my girlfriend is more reserved then me.So now she thinks I'm cheating on her, even though I have never and would never do such a thing. We've stopped talking now because she needs her space to think about things...I've left her to it and haven't tried to badger her too much. Sent her a text a week...she says she still loves me but just need time to herself...and she cant guarantee that she's going to get back with me.What do you think I should do? I want to be with her and regardless of who I meet there's no one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Guys,
Been a long time...just a quick update...
So we got back together after all the madness that happened...she realised that she loved me and that after a month of being apart she wanted to give it another go.
We got back together, had an amazing time, went on holiday, spent every weekend doing sweet special things for eachother...but then the issues started again...she started arguing with me over petty things. Bringing up the past etc...then one night a couple weeks ago when we we're clubbing started talking crazy saying i would have been mingling with other girls if she wants there...
I waslike WTF!! I've devoted so much of my self to her since we got back together, i made hera website for our anniversary (im a web designer so i thought i'd use my creative skills)...
Anyhow, so we went on another break...she didnt speak to me for a week...i couldn't handle it so i just gave her an ultimatum, either you be with me or not, i couldn't handle it any more....she didn't reply so i took it as a no. So i just said well we'll never be able to be friends again if that sthe case...i didnt speak to her for another week...she then ranndomly contacted me and we met up....i aske dher why this is all happening and she said the reason why she broke up with me is because of her family issues (her sisters dont approve of me and her mum would disown her if she was to get with me)...and that she does want to be with me but she needs to work out her issues first...
anyhow...she was acting all normal, hugging, kissing me etc...only until after i left, part of me felt liek that was wrong, becuase she still doesnt to see or talk to me but....she wants to be with me....???
I'm as confused as anything!!!
A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (3 March 2009):
 Hmmmmn ... it all sounds way to familiar with me. I went through the same thing alsmot not too long ago. Different circumstances, but some similar reactions. Except I was the one trying to explain the core issues, and he was the one being defensive mnost of the time. But I was also the one who wanted a clean break since I could not get through to him to look beyond the surface issues.
It took my ex almost 2 months after the breakup to "digest" what I was trying to explain to him, and another month for him to apologize. We now have opened communication again, but we are not together, as much as he wants us to be. He is trying to work out his past unresolved issues, which may take time. In our case, we are not seeing anyone else simply because we are simply not "looking" . LOL. We met briefly last week and he said that he misses me a lot, and just realized what he lost after the breakup. Hmm.
So, it is good that you and your g/f will meet and "talk" soon. I suggest that you look deep into your heart, and think: "what do I want?". Use your past conversations, good and bad. Your fights, your fun. Then "analyse" .. what is she actually saying ... beyond the litteral meanings of those words. If you want to, you could tell her that when you talk to her next to discuss your issues, the main question you will be asking is "why".
Have you beenn around 3-6 yo kids? Remember when they always ask "why"? That simple word, is a magic word. Even PhD researches start with that basic question.
So, like if she says, "I am hurting", ask her "why?" and ask the same question again after she answered it. It is a good way to break it down to the basics. The key is however, to not react to her explanation until you get an understanding of what she meant. If she gets angry, it may mean that she (1) could not express herself or does not know what she actually feels, or (2) she does not want to admit and thus avoids to answer it. Let her have her say, think as if you are looking in from the outside. Don't let your emotions control you.
After you get the bottom of the issue with the "why" question, then you can start asking both yourselves, "how". How do fix it. How do you want me to bond with you. Then you get to what each other is willing to do to make it work.
If you think her weird friend is influencing her way of thinking, remind her to be honest and speak her own mind based on her own feelings. But don't mention her friend more than once. She may get defensive again. However, you can still say "why do you think she said that to you?". Keep it cool. It is very difficult, yes, I even had to say to my ex that I was not looking for anything to blame nor to accuse him of anything, but that I was just trying to understand where it was all coming from. After that, he calmed down a bit as we tried to "unravel" the issues. Surprisingly (for him), after about 2 hours, we both agreed that the core issue was not that complicated.
You both are young. If you really cared about her and would not mind being not together with her for a while, do it. If you think you are better off to be with somebody who has the same level of committment as you without having to work hard at it, do it. Just don't date anyone based on rebound or "I'll show her I am fine".
In other words, like you said, you will work this out as adults, and as adults you will make sure that you respect each other.
Good luck! and I hope your heart will be strong. If you can get through this, you can get through anything!
Cat
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK so we talked last night...she rang me and started off the conversation just asking if I was OK and coping all right. Soon the conversation turned ot the relationship and she got all defensive and went into attack mode, saying I don't understand how she feels and that the last time we spoke I was trying to "Twist" the situation so it doesn't seem as bad a sit really is. I totally understand her and in no way am i trying to twist anything, I was merely trying to get her to understand my point of view.
It's almost because she's hurting, she's disregarding that I am too. And that there's nothing I can say to make it better at the moment, it's strange because when we were together I didn't get that vibe and from what other people are saying - she still loves me and is missing me allot.
We talked for about 3 hours, I let her say what she wanted, and tried to talk about the issues from my end. But whenever I would try and say something she would snap at me. I said that I didn't think this space was healthy for either for us because she mentioned that when she's on her own she think of all sorts of crazy thoughts.
And for us to move on from this I think we need to be adult about this say "Right....these are the issues...what are we going to do about it". She mentioned she's speaking to a friend who has never liked me (she's a really weird person), of whom also recently broke her trust. This girl has a tendency to speak her mind too much and almost manipulate people. I'm scared she's getting the wrong advice and maybe this friend is the reason why she's getting really angry with me. She said she's liked her independenc eint his tiem apart and that it felt good not to worry about being in a relationship "and allt he crap that comes with it".
Eventually she agreed that we need to talk and maybe there's only two routes to this, either we break up or get back together. I suggested that I'd rather that be in person and she's agreed to meet me on the weekend.
Sorry I've ranted alot here...what do you guys think I should do? I'm going to give her the book, but I was thinking of writing her a letter an sending it to her this week? Maybe just highlight everything and just say how I feel without feeling like I need to watch what I say just incase she gets angry.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (2 March 2009):
OK, if she said that she felt "suffocated" and that there's been talk about marriage, or stuff that you did in the past, then for what it's worth, lets just take her words verbatim for now.
Your friends may be looking out for you, but only you know how strong your love is for her.
"Chasing" does not necessarily mean bombarding her with gifts and attention. Which would come out as needy, possesive, and clingy. Yes, I would say, send the book, the worst she could do is not read it. In your text messages to her, or email, you could also say something like "I respect your wishes, and will give you space. I am not going anywhere, you know that. I will come to you when you are ready". In the mean time, play it by ear. Short sweet messages are still okay I would say, like "Good night and sweet dreams", or :"Hope you have a good day today". Unless, she sent something definite and terminating, like "Please stop all communication", in which case you know for sure she wants a clean break as opposed to "space".
It must be hard for you when you want to be with her and she wants space. Just please do not make any important decisions when you are confused like now. You don't want to be regretting your decisions later, would you.
If she comes back to you, at least you have shown her that you have a great big heart. And patience. And tolerance. And you are committed to her.
Hugs to you and please have patience and strength in dealing with this now.
Cat
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwonderingcat - Thanks for your advice and part of me is telling me I should chase her, but I'm scared of coming across too needy. I wrote her a love letter for valentines day, but I put it in a book. So it's almost a book of our feelings, but I don't know whether I should send it to her?
She's been talking to a mutual friend and apparently she is missing me etc...and she can't stop thinking about me. But she just feels a bit suffocated as there was a lot of talk about marriage and stuff before all this stuff happened. It's almost like this was the tipping point...I mean its hard to tell you everything as there's always been insecurity issues from her end (maybe stuff I did in the past) that have affected her.
You think sending her closed messages like how I feel no and then is good? Everyone I speak to is saying leave her to it and let her miss you and chase you....but I'm scared that might push her away? Sorry...just really confused at the moment. can't seem to concentrate in life :(
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (2 March 2009):
I personally would say it is okay, but you know her better than I do. At least, she chose to reply, right? She could easily have given you the silent treatment, but she chose not to do that. She replied "are you okay" probably because she was thinking or worrying that you were sad from missing her too much.
However, if she kept continuing to go positive one day and negative the next day, then start observing if she also does that with other people. Her "pattern" of behaviour as you can see with new perspective so to speak, would give you an idea of her situation (and yours). If she only go positive-negative on you, her insecurity may be really big and her "defense mechanism" starts kicking in. It's like, "I don't want to him to hurt me so I should just walk away", or self-sabotaging herself (sigh). It could also be her way of saying, "chase me, hard, and I will consider"
It almost reads like your love for her is being "tested" :-(
Hope that helps.
Cat
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys! that is some really good advice. One thing I need to add, after this all happened, we met up a couple of times and it seemed like everything was back to normal. She was hugging me, laughing loads, we met with some friends so it wasn't all pressure...but then a few days later when we spoke she said she needed total space, almost like zero contact. She was sacred everything was going back to normal and that I hadn't learnt my lesson.wonderingcat - even if she said she wants total space, you reckon its wise to send short messages now and then? Because I sent her one yesterday just saying I saw a really funny pic of her wearing my fake afro and it made me smile. She just sent one message back saying, she remember that night and she hopes I'm ok. Nothing more...?
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (2 March 2009):
She is not just reserved (which is okay) but she is also insecure. Neither of you can change who you are, but you CAN meet halfway and one of you need to be one with the "bigger heart".
Things you can do (in addition to the previous suggestions):
- Send short text messages on random times during the day (once or twice should be sufficient). Short but sweet (and if you know what makes her smile, write those in your text messages). 2-3 sentences are perfect. Maybe one serious one in between.
- Send short emails, with maybe one liner sweet jokes. Same concept of text messages above. I think short sweet expressions would be nice too, like, "I respect your space, but I miss you. Can I move half an inch closer to you?" or something like that. LOL
- If and when you got back together, whenever you are involved in a conversation with other people, make every effort to ensure that she is included in the conversation. Make it more like a lovely discussion (this is soo easy to do), instead of her having to sit and watch you making all kinds of discussions with your friends.
Basically, you are simply not just telling her that "it is okay, you are part of my life" but you have to "show" her that she is indeed part of you. You may need to keep reassuring her though, until she is totallly convinced that you are sincere and thus she has complete trust in you.
However, even if you are talkative dude and you like clubbing, do not go without your g/f. This is your bit of sacrifice. Or, if you receive text messages or emails that you know she would not like, tell the sender that it bothers your g/f. Again, once your g/f trusts you more, she would accept that some messages and emails are as innocent as they are.
Having said that, I don't think single women would send those "flirty" messages to a men they know are already in a committed relationship. So maybe, just maybe, you subconsciously were sending a message to everyone that "Hey, I am with her with you know ... things may change ..." kind of "energy" to other women.
Or, maybe not only is she reserved and insecure but also possessive? No one is perfect LOL
Hope things work out for you soon.
Cat
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): I agree with the two previous answers...and I am glad you are not badgering her. That will make it worse. Give her some time! Maybe send her flowers in a week or two. A card that says "I'm sorry, and I love you." Don't try to talk yet. She requested time. In time she will probably begin to miss you. And if there is no evidence of cheating, your only offense was not being honest. If you do get back together there will be a trust issue. You have to earn her trust back!
Good Luck!
Britt
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A
female
reader, um0829  +, writes (1 March 2009):
Give her her space for now so that she can calm down and get over it. However, i think you both need to work on your trust in the relationship. Trust is something that is very important because without it all you are ever going to have are problems and eventually one of you is going to get tired of fighting over what comes down to not trusting. I also think that you should tell her the last part that you wrote on your blog about wanting to spend the rest of your life with her and how you are just a friendly person and you mean no wrong by it. However, if the problems continue and you guys cant resolve it then maybe it is better to move on.
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A
male
reader, andrew loves hali +, writes (1 March 2009):
 let her know how you feel. if she doesnt come back dont be sad because its over smile cause it happened. best of luck -andrew
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