A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hey there.So my girlfriend and I have been together for 8 months now, and I need some advise.She is texting some guy on a regular basis (I see the snaps coming in on her phone when we're together sometimes), and that in it self doesn't bother me. The thing that I worry about is that fact that she have never mentioned this guy before. She has told me about her other (guy) friends and that is all good. It's just the fact that she texts this guy quite a lot, but she have never told me about him before.How do I ask about it without sounding too stupid?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 March 2021):
 I'd ask her how she would feel if YOU were texting an old FWB.
And then you have to consider if YOU are OK with this or not. I don't think "telling her" that she can't talk to him is the best approach but I think telling her that you find it kind of disrespectful to you. And that you want to rethink whether you two are a good fit.
Someone who is in contact with an F-buddy/FWB is keeping their options open. If they talk a LOT.... I have to say I would find it a little more than then "just" being so good friends AFTER they used to have casual sex that it would make ME uncomfortable.
And I don't think it has to being insecure or controlling to NOT want your partner chatting up a former sexual partner. I think it's common sense to leave FORMER sexual partners/GF/BF/FWB in the past with little to NO contact.
If she thinks it's all good to keep those bed-buddies around and you don't then she PROBABLY isn't the kind of GF you really want.
If she mentions that you just don't trust her, I'd tell her no that it isn't about trust, it's about respect and just common decency. And maybe trust has something to do with it. Because obviously, YOU can not trust her to make good choices in who she keeps around as friends.
There is a reason she didn't mention him before. Don't you think?
Partly because she knows it doesn't look good to be talking to an ex FWB and partly because she wants to do what SHE wants to do.
YOU have to decide within yourself if it's OK or not. If it's OK, then carry on.
If not, then tell her you think it's time to part ways as you have different views.
I don't think there is a good reason to keep an ex bed buddy around like that. And sitting chatting to HIM while hanging out with you? Total no go for me.
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (25 March 2021):
 This was not just the odd text, but frequent texting on a regular basis.
I think for me the fact that she is texting an old FWB she was seeing before she met you is a huge red flag.
She never divulged this information until asked, and then asked to elaborate, so had you not asked was this going to materialise into something more. Or is she still seeing him?.
How would she feel if it was reversed and you did this?.
Not going to lie OP, but i would not like it one bit, she is already arousing suspicion in the early part of relationship.
I think i would walk away if it was me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2021): Well, you've gotten an honest answer. It's possible my first response didn't hit until after yours; but the advice still applies.
Now suggest that maybe they don't communicate so much when you're together; so he respects the fact that she now has a boyfriend.
Ask her how'd she feel if you were spending a lot of time chatting with someone you used to have casual-sex with? Perhaps it is time for him to minimize his contact. He knows you're with your woman.
You and I know that he wouldn't care too much for you or any guy messaging his girlfriend while they're together. That's what I meant about determining "what kind of friends they are."
You don't own her, nor do you pick her friends; but she should realize without being told this isn't sitting right. She already knew it, which is why she didn't volunteer any information about him. This changes things somewhat. Were the shoe on the other foot, she wouldn't like it one bit!
You can't pick her friends. You can't tell her who she cannot talk to. You can let her know that if his contact makes you feel too uneasy; she might start seeing and hearing less from you.
Once you commit to someone seriously, that's when you start getting all your old bed-buddies or exes out of the way. It should be less of him, and more of you.
Allow her to freely make her own choices; and judge whether her choices are conducive to your sticking around as her boyfriend. You have to keep your jealousy in-check, but there is a guy-code. You don't keep sniffing around like an old dog when you know the lady is now taken. She has to voluntarily put the brakes on this; that's not up to you.
If she wants a boyfriend, and one that's faithful and true to her; she'll have to make sure there are no former sex-buddies shadowing over her new relationship. If she doesn't figure that out on her own, I'd start distancing myself. Otherwise, there is going to be drama and an argument sooner or later. Your relationship should be free of complications and wedges.
If he is aware she now has a boyfriend; he knows good and well, no guy is going to like the idea of his girl being too chummy with a former "friend" she used to sleep with. The question will always be, are those benefits still available?
You know, some things just go without saying. Wait and see how she handles this. If his messages persist; I'd start looking for a new girlfriend. Don't compete for any woman; either she wants you, or the other guy. They aren't ordinary friends; and you're not stupid.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2021): I think it's best to clear the air, rather than to form suspicions, get jealous, or allow your imagination to get the better of you.
You're in a new relationship, and there has to be some boundaries and mutual-understandings. Too much chatter with other guys when she's with you isn't being respectful or considerate of your feelings.
You need a guy's perspective on this.
Be open and straightforward. Let her know that you're feeling a little uncomfortable about the frequent communication going-on with another guy while she's with you. There is nothing wrong with addressing that issue; because she won't like the idea of you interrupting her quality-time, while you're busy chatting-up other females.
It's fine for her to have male-friends; you have to have a full understanding of what kind of friend he happens to be. If all was cool, she'd let you know who he is; and whether he understands she has a boyfriend now. If she won't be transparent, then you should put your feelings on-hold. He might be an ex, or someone she met around the same-time you entered the picture. Don't jump to conclusions, ask her who he is.
Relationships can't thrive without trust and transparency. Being sneaky or secretive is a red-flag. It's a sign of untrustworthiness, and you'll always be insecure and unsettled about how real your relationship is.
If this guy requires so much of her time; maybe she's wasting yours.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I asked her about it, she said it was "just a friend" and I told her to elaborate. Turns out it's and old FWB that she was seeing before we got together. Not really sure how to react to that.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (23 March 2021):
You have not asked her, so it could very well be one of her other guy friends, in which case is all good.
Communication is key here, just ask her who that is she keeps texting and see what her response is, thats all you can do really.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 March 2021):
Why not ask her - Who is "Bob" ?(insert the name you see on Snapchat) next time you sit next to her and she gets a chat from him.
Then she can CHOOSE to elaborate or not.
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