A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years and I just can't seem to connect with some female members of his family. First off, had a weird interaction with his sister and aunt on a trip 2 years ago where I walked in on them chatting, and they did the thing where they got really quiet and cold when I came into the room. Of course, I can't confirm for sure what they were talking about but the aunt asked me a question that she wouldn't have had context about if they weren't talking about me at some point, i.e. his sister for sure mentioned it to her between the night before and that morning. I've seen them talking about other people and it wouldn't surprise me if they talked about me. I'm not being assumptive I'm being practical. They're besties and they talk a lot of crap with each other (something I've seen first-hand). After some time, I brought up that instance with both of them on separate occasions because it was really bothering me and his sister got defensive but didn't deny anything and his aunt just kind of brushed it off and said "that's weird." That didn't really make things better it just confirmed my discomfort about the instance and their behavior. His sister and I don't really mesh, I find her selfish and manipulative, she has positive traits, of course, but it's not too long in an interaction before she says something that just makes me shake my head. I could go on and on about what I think of her but I accept that she and I have different opinions and perspectives and that's just that. His aunt and I got along great prior to this trip. Now, she will sometimes be fine and chat with me for a little bit, and other times just totally ignores me. She'll just turn away when I'm in the middle of a sentence (something my boyfriend sees) and even worse, ignores me, and then when my boyfriend shows up two seconds later she chats it up with him, big smiles and all. It's really apparent to me that she doesn't like me. I've done nothing but be respectful and kind to her so it's really hurtful. And I know my relationship with his sister has an influence on this relationship because of their closeness. There are other women in the family that I get along with great! Can't forget these people and I'm so thankful they're around. I think in general these other women are less competitive than the two I've had issues with. Just an observation. So... how do I even go about having a relationship with these folks? I feel like this will never end because they're on each other's team and I'm an outsider. Is that just it and I need to accept it? Any way to break this cycle? How do I stop it from affecting me?I'd love your advice, please be kind when giving it 3. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 March 2021):
 Being honest is good. Especially between friends. Unfortunately, these two women aren't your friends.
That is why I called it starting drama. Pretty sure this is common behavior for these two. They aren't used to be called on their bad behavior, so when you did... it started drama (which I think suits them).
I think as long as your BF is aware of this and you don't try and put him in the middle - it will eventually fizzle out.
A good term for what to do would be "kill them with kindness". That means you are polite and your usual nice self but you don't TRY and you make sure to ignore their snubs.
I know you are thinking "why can't we all just get along!" - It sucks that you can't but if they are permanently stuck in high-school antics it's not going to happen.
Chin up. Why knows maybe they will grow up and realize they are being ridiculous.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2021): HiThat's family and the occasional outlaws, we are either blessed or cursed by them and have to learn how to manage the encounters that are sometimes forced upon us. Stop wanting them to like you and don't even concern yourself with their tattle. We can waste so much time and energy on people who just don't like us full stop, so leave them to their own feelings and be civil but keep your distance. If you have to sit in the same room with them, read a book and let your partner do the talking. Let them know that they can not infect you anymore by detaching.Try and make arrangements where your partner visits them in their homes instead of them visiting your home. Be polite and acknowledge special occasions and to help your partner cope with the negative vibes within his close family.I would give up trying, people often make the choice to be nasty or ignorant, and just WANT to create misery for other people, so don't let them. You own your feelings they should not own them.Always remember that they are your partners close family so he still has a right to be in contact, but you don't have to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2021): Sometimes people just don't like you for no apparent reason. No matter how much effort you make to get along or form some sort of friendly connection; they are standoffish, discourteous, or snobbish. The more you try to "make" them like you; the more you'll provoke them to show you they don't! Even if you bother to ask them why, they'll gaslight you; and make it seem as though you're being foolish or paranoid.
You can't force people to like you; so you have to settle for their respect. Demand it! Make it a point that you expect to be treated politely regardless; particularly in those circumstances where you're likely to have to interact frequently, due to mutual affiliations or work connections.
Families form cliques or snub people, just because they can. There's no rule that requires that they have to like or love people we're dating, or our friends.
It's up to your boyfriend to inform his family members that he'd like them to make you feel at home, or comfortable during visits; but he can't make them like you. You can only treat others as you want to be treated; but there is no guarantee they will reciprocate your goodwill or hospitality. That's where being tactful and diplomatic comes-in. You tolerate their existence, never allow them to see your discomfort, and spend as little time around them as necessary. Be cordial, mature, and unmoved by their snobbery or subtle hostilities. It's all an act, but the point is not to give them control over our emotions. In their own homes, they get to behave or speak as they please; especially, when you're an uninvited-guest. If you know your boyfriend is going to visit those particular people, opt-out. If you insist on tagging-along, knowing what you'll get; then you're asking for it.
You can make it a rule not to invite them when you entertain holidays, or have parties; because there is no need to fake that you want their company. They've set the boundaries, and you're only observing them.
You should let your boyfriend know, in no uncertain terms, that you would prefer not to invite certain members of his family to anything you are hosting. In-return, respect his wishes; if there are family-members of your's he'd prefer you didn't invite. There is a caveat. This can become petty, and will get tricky and contentious; but if these two make it a habit of being weird or impolite. Then avoid them.
When people cause tension or insist on being impolite to either of you; they should not be encouraged to bring their snotty-attitudes under your roof. That's highly disrespectful. You have to suck-it-up when you decide to invade their space.
If you insist on hanging around them; they have every right to feel imposed upon, if you know they don't like you. I avoid being around people I know don't like me. I don't invite them to my home; and if they are relatives of my partner, we have a clear understanding about my feelings. Weddings, funerals, or anniversaries will require you to bite the bullet; and tolerate even his relatives you don't like, or those who don't like you. When they're on your turf, you can ask them to leave when they misbehave, or cause a scene. If he (BF) doesn't like that, remind him that you've made it clear they were not welcome in the first place. Never have this discussion in-front of guests, or his other family members. Your feelings are your business, and should be kept between him and you.
Some might suggest that you give them a piece of your mind. I wouldn't, unless they directly attacked me. They've used the passive-aggressive approach, and your sensitivities can misread or blow things out of proportion. Diplomacy means you'll try your best to make both sides get along; and that's done by setting boundaries each will not cross. If they don't want to include you in their conversations; go talk to somebody else, or stick close to your boyfriend. They don't want you to feel a part of their little family-clique; so human nature makes you resent being rejected or snubbed. Well, maturity and your sense of logic has to overrule your feelings; and you'll just have to keep a comfortable distance from them. They have no power over you, and not liking you is their choice. Learn not to care and live-on; because even Jesus Christ, the Son of God, was nailed to a cross by people who didn't like Him.
Stop trying. Be cordial when "forced" to be in their presence; and accept the reality that there are people who can dislike you for no reason. It's no reflection on you, it's a defect in their character; and shows they have an innate ignorance, which is usually a sign of having many insecurities...and outright meanness. That's not your fault; so it's not your life's mission to fix or to worry about such things. When they get no visible emotional-reaction, there is no pleasure in goating you.
BTW, in their private-conversations; they can talk about you, and anybody else they want to talk about. If you didn't hear the conversation, you can't assume it's about you; it just wasn't any of your business. You're not his wife; so any discussions of their family-affairs or relatives remain under a need-to-know basis.
If you didn't hear either of them mention your name, how would you know the discussion was about you anyway? They may have only felt offended, assuming that you were eavesdropping on their conversation. Their dislike for you is a matter of choice, but it won't take a single second off your lifespan.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCode Warrior, thanks. I completely resonated with being skeptical of olive branches and agree it's best not to reject them. Appreciate the advice and thank you for your suggestions. I hope tensions ease on your end more in the future =)
Honeypie, I cringed at some of your points (because of the honesty) and I understand what you're saying.
I get that some people aren't going to like me and that I'm just not going to like some people either, it happens and I'm accustomed to being on the outside in general but, that's the not the bother, the bother is that they can't control their need to gossip, regardless of who is at their mercy. They "love their brother (and nephew) so much" but continue to ostracize his girlfriend, who is a big part of his life now... a little backwards, I think.
And confronting them on their behavior, was that being dramatic, or honest? I prefer the latter but I absolutely see how that wouldn't make things any better in the future =) They don't want negative light shined on what they perceive as fun behavior.
Thank you for the reminder that they're not a group WORTH being friends with, I feel that. And the point you made about minimizing me, is spot on. That's definitely what they're trying to do either consciously or subconsciously.
Appreciate your advice and the reality check. Stopping trying to be their friend right now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2021): I'm afraid some females in families are like this, I had a similar experience with my partner's mother and sister, always felt something was being said and the silence when I walked in the house.
So long as you are not abusive towards your boyfriend it's absolutely none of their business your relationship with him. I know it's not nice to feel you are being unfairly treated but so long as you maintain being polite, friendly and respectful then that is all you need do, if hand on heart you have done nothing for them to dislike you and you know this then there really is nothing you can do if they act that way.
Keep out of the family politics, don't TRY and befriend them, being friendly is just about not being unsociable, they are not your friends, just people you know by default of dating one of their family members
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 March 2021):
Stop trying so hard to be their friend. YOU are not.
Just because you date the brother/nephew doesn't mean they have to like you and want to spend time with you.
They don't like you because you confronted them on behavior THEY DO all the time (I bet you) on the trip. Why on Earth do you think you were owed an explanation? That was you starting some unnecessary drama!
Most people would have taken note of their behavior and dialed back of being open with them. To not give them extra ammo.
Now you know that these two don't like you. So what? They are two people in the whole world. I get that they are important to your BF, but they are not that influential with him. As in, he is still with you even though THEY don't like you.
Not everyone out there in the world will like you. You won't like every person you come across. That is reality.
How do you stop it from affecting you? I don't know. Other than to say ACCEPT that they don't like you.
Be polite, nice when you see them but do not go out of your way to interact and chat with them. They want to minimize you.... so do the same to them but in a NICE way. Try to not let them see you get hurt when snubbed. You are no longer in high school, you don't have to try and get in with ALL the crowds. And this crowd of 2 is not WORTH trying to be friends with.
I know it sucks that they don't like you, but they are the ones missing out on you, OK?
And lastly, you are not dating the aunt or sister. They are NOT the primary focus. Your BF is.
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