A
male
age
36-40,
*unkguru13
writes:I'm in a tricky situation here and need all the help I can get. I had been going out with this girl for more than 3 years. If you add the courtship period, it should be somewhere around 4 years.Last month, all of a sudden, she stops talking to me. I try to call her, text her but she wouldn't reply. Then I got a reply from her telling me that she would meet me in a day or so and tell me something. I had this gut feeling that she would break up.So, we met at a cafe. The moment she saw me, she started crying bitterly. I tried to hold her hand or shoulder but she just pushed me away. Then she decided to drop the bomb. A month prior to this meeting, her ex boyfriend added her on FB (or she added him, I'm not sure). She told me about this and I didn't really bother about it because I trusted her completely.A little history - she dated this guy for 4 months before she met me. One fine day, he just ran off because he felt she did not call him enough (very mature for a 22 year old). She was heartbroken and somehow I got into the picture. This girl had a very sad childhood with loads of health problems and even a violent attack on her. I felt for her and just knew that I had to make her happy. It turned into love and we hooked up after much apprehension from her side. We overcame all odds, fights and after everything, I managed to convince her that I would be there for her and she was the one.Back to the present, so she has her ex on Facebook. He messages her on her birthday and they have a small chat. Then I don't know when and how during those ill-fated days, they chatted some more. He called her up and they talked. The next day, he travelled 300 kilometers to come meet her. They met up and all. This all happened in the 3-4 days she refused to talk to me.When she met me that day in the cafe, she told me that she still loved him and that it would be wrong to be with me. I was shocked. I kept a brave face and held back my tears and patiently heard her. I told her whatever she wants, I'll give her. So told me the entire story I have narrated above. It was heartbreaking but there was nothing I could do. I did not want to cry, shout etc. because I don't like to show such emotions. I made her eat something and then we went off on our own ways.But what she said pierced my heart and soul. I couldn't resist and opened her email and FB accounts the next day to see what exactly had transpired. A few hours after she had bawled like a baby in front of me, told me she was breaking up, that she was confused and would never get into any relationship and blamed her ex for ruining her life blah blah, she had sent him an email with pictures of their meeting and telling him "you look best in the last one :)". I felt like someone just stabbed me. He replied a few days later with a few more pictures. Apparently, they met a few more times and he came down to the city again and again. She changed her password soon and I could login no more. However, I could access her FB and found an old friend asking her about her "lover boy (her ex)".Yesterday, she texted me and said that she wanted to have a closure because I just vanished. I chatted with her. She apologized but said she couldn't help her heart. She told me that our thing wouldn't have worked out also because I am robotic and she is too emotional. And that I shouldn't spoil my life over a bitch like her. She told me that my belongings, my photographs, the letters etc. don't affect her and she doesn't feel anything. On the other hand, I burnt whatever I had of her because it was driving me nuts.We signed off with me telling her it was OK and she should just learn and not drop bombs on anyone else in the future. But from her attitude, I could see that she was in some weird way blaming me for the mess. Or she would throw the blame on that other guy for returning. I mean WTF. I don't want to just give it back to her and tell her that I know she's met him repeatedly and her drama of telling me that she isn't even sure she will be with him won't work. I feel her tears were fake. It was all well constructed to create an environment in which I would not react and go into a shell. She had it so easy. She escaped. She's now romancing that guy without guilt (she told me she doesn't feel guilt).I feel betrayed. I feel hurt. I feel hopeless. I want to call her and just speak my mind and tell her that she's worse off than a slut but I can't. I feel she'll have the satisfaction that I cursed her and got the load off my chest and moved on. I want her to feel guilty and realise what she did was unacceptable. I want her to not repeat mistakes in her life. She's already had a crazy life and I would only wish for her to be happy.I don't know why I'm even bothered about her. She thinks I'm being fake here. I'm not. I can't believe I'm taking this shit from her. But I am. I'm hopeless and it's been a month and I'm trying to find reasons for this mess. Do I tell myself that I deserved this because sometimes even I noticed other beautiful women and even fantasized. But I never cheated. Never thought of it once. I gave my heart and soul to make it work and got nothing in return.I need any advice on what my next course of action should be. I don't want her back. I don't even care now. I just want to find peace. I feel like running away from this town because every little thing reminds me of US. I generally tend to handle problems on my own and have never asked for help from anyone. But I'm stumped this time. PLEASE HELP. I can't believe my love of 4 years, my dedication towards her meant nothing in front of a useless guys 4 months. It kills me. I'm sorry this is long but I had to pour it out.
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male
reader, funkguru13 +, writes (2 June 2010):
funkguru13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Odds. I really don't blame the guy. She took the initiative with him again and I've confirmed that she was the one who added him. I really feel she should be ashamed of herself for indulging in such behaviour but she's happy in life.
I'm currently doing what you've advised. Since the day we broke up, I've immersed myself into various activities to keep her thoughts at bay. They do haunt me when I'm alone and that's what I want to get rid of now.
I'll be moving to a new city for further studies (unrelated to this incident) so I think that should help. And I know you're right when you tell me that telling her things to get back at her would only hurt me more. This is precisely why I've been so nice to her for this one month. But her shameless behaviour makes me fume on the inside. I feel like letting her know my mind. I think she wants to incite me for this. I'm still holding back but it's eating me. Do you think it's right? But even if I told her how I felt, it would not make things different. It would only give her enough satisfaction and reasons against me which I don't want. I want her to realise.
I'm very confused on this one.
A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (2 June 2010):
 Don't take her back, obviously. You got that one figured out on your own, which puts you two steps ahead of most people in your situation.
Her feelings are *not* based on any rational assessment of your worth as a man. You are *not* any worse of a person for being dumped.
That said, hating on the guy will only make you feel worse. Hating the chick? More justified, she betrayed you. But trying to talk to her will only make it feel worse. Calling her up, sending angry letters, whatever, will only let the hurt get worse.
Get together with your guy friends for a bar crawl, a camping trip, or whatever they do. Siblings, cousins, and coworkers will do fine as well. Have a good night. Don't bother trying to meet a new girl yet. Have fun without her, and if something reminds you of her and makes you sad, shrug and keep doing whatever you were doing.
Keep focused on school/work, too.
Your mind and body are conditioned to respond to the thought of her, which will take a while to de-program. Leaving town will not help, you just have to tough it out and try to have a life without her.
Once you feel like you can function normally, go meet some new chicks. Plenty of fish in the sea, she is not special.
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