A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend on and off for about 8 years, and we have a 5 year old daughter together. We have been back together now about 8 months, and I am making a very sincere effort to work things out this time around. She had wanted to get married to me almost from the moment I first met her. She's from the Philippines, and she moved here when she got married to her first husband, but they divorced after about two years, and I met her a couple years after that. She has wanted very badly to be married very (not just to me) ever since she got divorced from her first husband.She was in agony after I broke up with her the last time (about four years ago), but she did have quite a few boyfriends during the four year stretch we were not together. She had wanted to get married to her last boyfriend (about a year ago) but he broke it off (he was very religious, and she apparently tempted him with sex to the point that he went against his beliefs and had sex with her, then broke up with her). A few months after that, I approached her about possibly trying to work things out between us, seeing a counselor, etc.At first she said she was still too hurt and confused to be able to have strong feelings for me again, but after about 3-4 months she started to say she she loved me and that she wanted to get married to me. She now brings up the topic of getting married constantly. After about 3-4 months of being together, I had developed strong feelings for her as well, and I tell her this frequently. Although I always found her to be very attractive, it has only been in the past few months that I developed really strong feelings for her, and also started to believe we might be able to get along well enough to have a successful marriage.She was quite sexually active during the four year period we were apart, and she's told me she loved having sex with all her exes (most of her exes dumped her). But, when we have sex, I can tell she's not really enjoying it very much. She is not at all like she was four years ago before the last breakup. Back then, she wanted sex constantly. I've tried talking to her about it in terms of what she wants me to do, etc., but she says she can't enjoy it because she made a public commitment at her church to abstain from sex until she's married (this was right after she broke up with her last boyfriend). She has gone to church for a long time, but this was apparently the first time she took a public vow not to have sex before marriage.She says she feels guilty having sex and she won't be able to enjoy it until she's married. She also says she's doing it just to satisfy me. She has also said "why would anyone buy the cow if they're getting the milk for free?" several times. (my response is "who would buy a cow that doesn't produce any milk?") I'm struggling with this for several reasons. Two things have changed since she was with her prior boyfriends (and loved sex, according to her). First, she made the vow to abstain at church, and second she's with me, not these other guys. Who's to say the reason she's not enjoying it isn't the fact she's with me instead of these other guys, not the fact she made the public vow? I know she's always wanted to get married to a guy with money, and I fit the bill in that department. My fear is that she's not really all that attracted to me sexually, and she's just using the public vow as an excuse to withold sex to pressure me into marrying her.I'm somewhat doubtful that the public vow is the entire reason she's not enjoying sex. The mains reason I doubt this is because she seems to have lost interest in sex altogether. Even when we're in bed together, she doesn't get aroused very much when I kiss her, touch her, etc. If the public vow was the only thing holding her back, it seems to me she'd get aroused and want it, but she'd have to hold herself back. She seems to be completely disinterested in sex. When we do have sex, I don't think she's having orgasms. She seems somewhat detached, as if she just wants to get it over with.Also, if she were witholding sex simply as a way to pressure me to get married to her, it seems to me she'd be getting aroused at least to some extent. As far as I can tell, it's not that she wants it and is holding herself back, she just doesn't seem to be interested at all. (I will say, however, that she does at least get wet when we do have sex, so she might not be completely turned off by it)My best guess is that the public vow is part of it, but I think the main thing is that she's worried right now that I won't get married to her, and she's afraid of getting hurt again. But, if I'm wrong and we get married only to find out she just dosen't like having sex with me, it would be a disaster. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who didn't really want to have sex with me.She claims she'll turn into a sexual animal once we're married and we'll go at it like rabbits constantly (and do all the things with me that she did with her prior boyfriends). But, I'm skeptical. I've never yet met a man who said his wife turned into a sexual animal AFTER they got married.This seems to be a catch-22 because I don't want to get married unless I'm sure she actually likes having sex with me, but she says she can't enjoy sex until she's married. Any ideas on how to figure out what the root cause of her disinterest in sex is?
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broke up, divorce, her ex, money, orgasm, period Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust in case anyone is reading this, I ended up getting married to her about a year ago. The sex has been very lackluster, and she now says she's just not that interested in sex any more, she doesn't think about it, etc.
What really annoys me is that she won't even make a minimal effort to spice things up. She used to talk dirty with her exes, meet them for sex in the middle of the day, wear crotchless panities, etc. But, she will not do one thing for me.
I've tried all sorts of things in terms of trying to understand her, meeting her emotional needs, etc. She constantly says she loves me, and I do believe that. But, I've just given up on sex. It's clear to me that if I want any kind of halfway interesting sex on any kin dof a regualr basis, it will have to be with someone else. It just ain't going to happen with her.
My advice to any men reading this is to be very, very hesitant to marry a woman who doesn't show plenty of signs of being aroused, wanting sex, etc.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 October 2010):
 I would really feel bad if she was indeed attracted to you, and that your sex life would be good after you get married. When I read this again, you told us you already had sex with her, so she broke the vow. Whether she had orgasm or not, the vow was just something for show. Therefore I would suspect she is using that for an excuse for her disinterest.She seems to be swinging back and forth with her approach to men. At first she tried love with her first husband, that didn't work out because sex wasn't good. Then she tried to appeal to men sexually, only to get jerks who used her. Then she tries this no sex thing again, with a religious twist to it. Her efforts were desperate. It has little do to with attraction but more to do with her doing anything to get a man. The worst case scenario would be you think she marries you for money, and she thinks you married her for sex, and that would cause conflicts. You are afraid she would leave you for better looking men, while she is afraid you would leave her for purer women without baggage.I think the root of the problem is that she is afraid to get vulnerable. Given the unsteady background of your relationship, I would really give more time to it. Don't let love blind you. You are still infatuated with her, you are entitled to have your overly romantic moment. Just don't do anything hastily. Don't be impatient to use marriage to find out the answer, it could be costly both emotionally and financially. You are focusing so much on sex right now that you don't have time to look for other factors such as compatability, time management and what shared interests you have.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (31 October 2010):
It's not the thing with sex or no sex, and orgasm or no orgasm before marriage. She has issues with self identity. There are people who can't mix sex and love together. The public vow thing bothers me a lot, it's really hypocritical. Has she forgotten that her son is attending the wedding too? I am not saying that she's someone that no one should bother with. She has the potential to come to her sexuality comfortably. She will benefit from professional counselling. However she's finding answers to her problems through religion, and she is not going to confide with a therapist who usually holds an impartial view towards religion. She is finding support through her holy roller friends, without them she would crumble. A marriage certificate is not going to solve nothing. If you want a passionate blow job and she doesn't want it, she would consult her friends who will tell her you and a bad husband who only concerns yourself. But at the same time she has the rights to dress provocatively.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses, I really appreciate input on this.
I tried talking to her about it last night, and she said she couldn't let go and have orgasms with me like she did with her other boyfriends because she keeps thinking about her public vow not to have sex. She also said she's only had an orgasm with me once in the 8 months we've been back together (this was just after we first got together), although she says she used to before we broke up 4 years ago. She says she loves me, and I just need to understand where she is coming from.
She also says this has been the best year of her life, and she really wants to get married to me. She has hundreds of pictures of us from the past 8 months up on her facebook page. She had a grand total of about 25 photos of her prior boyfriends up on her FB page before we got back together. Her friends are constantly posting comments on FB about how handsome I am, how happy she has been since we got back together, asking when we're going to get married, etc. My GF also posts frequently about how much she wants to get married to me, and said in one post that she wants it to last forever (Although I didn't look at her FG page very often before we got back together, I don't think her or her girfriends ever posted anything like this about her prior BFs).
When it comes to sex, she also says I am "the best" because I was the only one who found her G spot. I'm quite sure it's true that I was the only one who found her G spot, and I think that was the time she had an orgasm (several, actually, from what she said at the time). She told me she felt very guilty afterwards. Still, when she says she could have great orgasms with all her other boyfriends (who she also says just used her for sex) during intercourse, it really bothers me. Her statement that "You're the best" is a little hard to believe.
I buy her roses and tell her I love her, I help her around the house, I help fix dinner and put our daughter to bed. you name it, I'm there for her. We typically talk to each other several times during the day, and she wants to do things with me all the time, and we see each other almost every day, and sleep over at each other's house frequently. She also normally gets quite upset if I leave rather than sleep over at her house.
But, when it comes to sex, she doesn't even seem to like it when I perform oral on her or touch her with my hand, even though she seemed to like that before and she seemed to think that intercourse was the only thing her public vow prohibited.
This is really driving me crazy. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about it. Part of it is jealousy thinking about her having orgasms with her prior boyfriends, and part of it is feeling like I am completely unattractive/inadequate sexually. (I've been told many times by women that I am very good looking, so I think I am attractive to at least some women). It seems to me that I just don't measure up to her past boyfriends in the sex department.
I keep trying to figure out some technique, mood, etc. that will get her in the mood, but nothing seems to work. If a woman isn't interested, it seems like technique and so on just don't work. I don't know how we can ever have a "real" intimate relationship if she doesn't like sex with me. I am having a very hard time believing the only thing holding her back is her religious belief. She insists very vehemently that she is very attracted to me, and that I am the only man who has everything she wants (she says I'm the only one who has "the big package")
One last thing. She like to dress very provocatively, and she loves getting attention from men based on her sexual attractiveness. It annoys the crap out of me that she's constantly seeking out attention from other men, but she tells me she can't enjoy sex with me until we're married. Given how much time we spend together, there's almost no way she could be cheating on me with someone else. Still, it almost seems as if she's rubbing my nose in it. ("it" being her statements that can't enjoy sex with me)
If you managed to read all that, any additinal comments would be appreciated.
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A
male
reader, confusedcaucasian +, writes (31 October 2010):
 Well, she had you at your best. She left for years and had sex with multiple partners who, as you stated, always broke up with her. She see's you as a sure thing but isn't attracted to you sexually anymore. She has sown her wild oats and realizes she wants the picket fence instead.
You need to find a way to be sure she wants you, not just marriage.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (30 October 2010):
Don't buy into it. The idea of pure sex, religion has drilled into her mind. A blow job would be considered dirty for her. How can you find it exciting to spank a virgin Mary? Marriage is between two people. I find the idea of the public vow very silly for her age. Women become victims of that madonna/whore complex because of ignorant men. You are innocent, you shouldn't have to deal with the effects of this.
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