A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey. Well, this is the story. I met my girlfriend about 2 years ago, and from the very moment we started talking we were extremely attracted to each other. Quickly enough, we started going out and soon after we realized that we were in love. We were and still are very much in love, and it really does feel like a part of the other is missing when we're not together. But, during those 2 years we had a few break ups, honestly because we're both young and stupid and didn't really understand how powerful the relationship would be. About 2 months ago we broke up, and out of anger I said a lot of hurtful things, and we stopped talking. A few days later I found out she was with some other guy. We met the other day to talk because we were both hurting without each other, and she, in a sad tone, asked me if I had had sex. I said no and that I was still a virgin. She however, admitted to having sex with her boyfriend and losing her virginity. Later it went into about us starting over, though the fact she had lost her virginity had influenced me to deny it. She stopped talking and started softly crying, in public. She then said that even though she was with him, she could not help but think about me constantly during that period. I assume this to be true considering she tried to contact me several times, but I ignored her. A few days after I let it go because I was extremely miserable without her, and we decided to start over. Now this is killing me that she had lost her virginity and I am still a virgin, and I'm scared that I may say or do something to lose her again. We had the opportunity for sex in the past, but I was too nervous to perform. I feel incompetent and pathetic, and fear this may ruin everything for us. What do I do to live with this and insure a healthy relationship? I want the best in the world for her, and I wanted to be sure she has it because I want to be the one to provide it.tl;dr: Love of my life lost virginity to rebound during one of several break ups, feel incompetent, what do?
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broke up, get back together, period, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2010): OP here; thank you for the reply chigirl. The break ups have usually been a result of a flaw on my part. I have emotional problems stemming from abuse as a child and at times factors such as low self-esteem and depression have led to poor decision making on my part and immature reactions on both. These are problems we plan on addressing together, with professional help. I tried to resolve my issues before but I fell short of the "finish line" due to financial problems. Now that shouldn't be the case, and we both believe together we can cut the anchors and move forward to a better future.
And thank you for the link, it helped lift my spirits knowing I'm not alone in this situation.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 April 2010):
 There is no mention of her breaking up with her new boyfriend. It's dangerous to get back with her. You want the best for her but she doesn't know what she wants at the moment. You were nervous to perform. The media puts a lot of pressure for men to be macho and strong, and we become so desensitized to the fact that men need patience and nurturing as well. Intimacy and foreplay are the small steps that lead to gentle sex. It's not like we expect you to be hard and be ready for action whenever. The frequent fighting is a sign that you had self-love issues that had never been dealth with and the problems couldn't be solved by being in a relationship alone. You are still very young and it's impractical and too idealistic to want to be the world for her. A strong sense of identity, a clear sense of like and dislike, having the vocabulary to express deep thoughts and feelings effectively, knowing how to spend your time and what to do with it, setting boundaries. . . All these come with life experience. You have plenty of time to know yourself. No pressure to be perfect right now. Your attitude, "I don't want to mess up again" is a negative one to go back to this relationship. Perhaps your question should be "should I get back with her?" Don't if you don't feel ready. I don't feel you are ready and there's absolutely nothing wrong with not being ready. Just be happy you didn't lose your virginity to an impatient, and not so understanding girlfriend, or I should say ex.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 April 2010):
 Before I direct your question, I want to highlight some patterns out for you: you two keep breaking up. You've have several breakups before in the past, and this was yet another one. When relationships break up it is for a reason: they aren't working. No matter how many times you try, you keep breaking up. Now, this could be because of immaturity, as you pointed out. But it could also be because the two of you simply don't mix that well.
So, in that respect, when you proceede with this relationship, don't focus only on her loss of virginity. That is not the only problem you two have right now. You need to focus on the fact that this is a fragile relationship on rocky grounds. It didn't work while she was a virgin, and so I don't see why her not being a virgin should make things different. Things are still rocky even if she didn't sleep with this other man. So be cautious.
Now, to your question, how do you deal with this? You shouldn't sleep with her. Eventually maybe, but having sex is a big deal to you, and probably still is to her. So that should only come once the relationship is more stable. Perhaps you want to wait 6 months or a year or so. You went 2 years without after all, and you weren't ready. So even if she has had sex, she needs to respect that you are a virgin and would like to wait with sex. You need to be secure and trust in her and feel sure about the relationship before you take that next step.
As for how to deal with the emotional aspect of her being with another man while you two were broken up I will link you to another question I read not too long ago. I believe the answers there will help you too. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-girl-slept-with-someone-else-while-we.html
This relationship can work! But you have to believe in it, believe in her, and believe in you. And take your time with everything. Go slow.
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