A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK, I've been dating the same girl for 4+ years and we're engaged to get married soon. She had a strange habit, which I'm not really sure the cause or reason. She likes to have her hands in her pants, on her vagina while she is sitting on the lazy boy or laying on the couch. The problem for me is that she has a really strong odor that I do not find pleasant, and this smell gets and stays on her hand and is transported to whatever she touches. She will touch her face, neck, and other body parts spreading the smell. She even likes to pop cleanse my face of in grown hairs. I can't take the smell, it makes me want to gag. Whenever I try to mention it she gets defensive, or says "guys are always touching themselves". What do you all think?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): I don't sit on the couch with my penis in my hand... She sounds like she's got issues...
A
female
reader, FluffyPie +, writes (26 March 2011):
 OK, she's got a bad hygiene. Bad hygiene = low self-respect; low self-respect = no respect for the others (including you). I don't know what to say, we all have habits, but this habit of hers suggests a very poor education. No matter how close you guys are, that's something she shouldn't do, unless she's all alone in the house/room (if she feels the urge). Just tell her this: "what would it be like if we ALL walk around with our hand down the pants ?". Plus, I've just imagined her cooking with that smell on her hands. Gross! Are you sure you want to spend your life with this woman ? Think of the hygiene. This will never change. It's true that when you love someone, you love their flaws too. If there is something that can be changed, it's fine, it's all about compromise. But I'm afraid her habit is education / manners related - which is pretty serious and very unfunny. How old is she ? 12 ? Is she mentally stable ?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): Good question, she has gained sufficient weight and we stopped having sex. She basically doesn't like me seeing or touching her body, she thinks it's repulsive. We live together, which makes this really difficult. I love her, but she has a lot of issues.
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A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (26 March 2011):
Hi OP thanks for the update!
You know what, for me, that would be a deal breaker, for a couple of reasons.
I just want to say that I work in a hospital where hand washing is extremely important- and for good reason as well.This is why I may seem particularly keen on it!
Firstly, I've got to say, I think it's a weird habit, but I suppose if she was fastidious about washing her hands then maybe it could slide (maybe). However, as you say, she isn't. This tells me
1)She's got no sense of hygiene, which is either stupid or arrogant. Stupid because it takes very little common sense to realise about all the germs, or arrogant because maybe she thinks that there is something special about her which means she hasn't got any germs (which of course she does, like everyone). Both of those possibilities are, to me really bad, especially as you have tried speaking to her about it.
2)You have spoken to her about the fact and she just gets defensive and angry, with, from what you say, no attempt to understand why you don't like it (which isn't hard to work out) and change accordingly. She obviously doesn't care what you think about it, and as you say it leads to an argument because she must think she is right to do as she does, and you are wrong. She seems to have no insight whatsoever into what she is doing and would rather have a fight with you about it than stop. I just think this is really weird.
If I were in your position OP I would be really worried about this. I cannot understand why she thinks it's ok to behave like that, especially if she is the same age as you are. She's not a child, she's a grown woman, and she ought to be able to see why you are unhappy with it.
OP, I feel that you are completely in the right over this. On this basis I think you need to really put your foot down over it. I am sure, from what you say, that this will end in rows, however, I can't see that she has any rational or reasonable argument against you asking her to at least thoroughly wash her hands. I personally think you should brace yourself for the rows, tell her how you feel, and see what happens. It's honestly a really horrible habit and no amount of justifying she can do will change that. I know that arguments are awful, but I think you just have to go through them over this. If you want to marry this girl, and she wants to marry you, I think it is really important that you get this sorted before you get married. It will be a good test of your communication skills to get this sorted. I can see that it might be a little thing, but, it's really gross.
Please stick to your guns; let us know how it goes as well. Good luck! Remember, you are in the right.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): No, she doesn't wash her hands after ward and the smell can stay around for days. When we first started dated I noticed the smell, but had no idea what it was. To the person who suggest I have her hand her hands, or not touch my face I've tried and she gets all angry and defensive and it usually ends up in a fight. I've tried bringing it up multiple times and it just ends up in an argument. We are set to marry soon and this could be a deal breaker, am I in the wrong?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): You know that saying "Old habits die hard"? Do you think she will ever stop doing that? You've already mentioned to her that it bothers you and she didn't care. And she is not even embarrassed that you know her dirty little secret. Are you sure this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with? And how can you possibly enjoy having sex with her if you find her smell repulsive?
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (26 March 2011):
....hi OP just an addendum to my answer.Apart from the good advice about seeing a doctor, I think your main plan of attack could be along the hygeine route, rather than the smell, perhaps. She may say that men touch themselves all the time, however, male and female anatomy is not the same. With girls, everything is pretty close together. This really increases the risk of bacterial contamination; women, for example, are advised to urinate after sex as a prophylactic measure against UTIs. What I'm trying to say is, if she's touching herself and not washing her hands, then it's most likely that it's not simply bacteria from the vagina which she is transferring. This could be a route for you to try without necessarily picking up on the smell, which she may get offended about. Please can you get back to us about whether or not she washes her hands?
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A
female
reader, FluffyPie +, writes (26 March 2011):
First off, tell her to go see a doctor, because strong odor suggests that there's an infection and needs to be treated. Also, what's her diet made of ? Because diet is also important. Tell her to eat fruits and healthy, unprocessed food (or at least homemade food). It won't solve the smell problem by magic, but it will make it bearable in time. And a good intestinal transit should also do the trick. However, ALL vaginas smell, but it it's too strong or fishy, it's not OK, so she should see a doctor. Oh yeah, does she wash properly down there ? Does she rinse (properly) ? Because if improperly washed, the discharge might leave a "smegma" trace, with an unpleasant cheesy smell. As for the habit... I think it's all about manners. I don't think it's hygienic to touch things without washing hands first. Does she wash hands after using the toilet ? Because it's kinda the same thing here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): Fine if she wants to touch herself. Odd but whatever. NOT normal to smell that strongly. She should see a dr. She may have bacterial vaginosis, a condition which makes woman bits smell fishy. It's v unpleasant but can easily be cleared up with antibiotics. Can occur spontaneously from imbalance in normal bacteria down below. Life us too short to smell bad
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (26 March 2011):
I am with you on this one OP. Apart from the smell that is really unhygienic. Just because she says guys are always touching themselves doesn't make it a pleasant thing to do if others find it uncomfortable for whatever reason.I would also add that if she is trying to remove ingrowing hairs and cleanse your skin she needs to have CLEAN hands, otherwise it can easily lead to infection, so please stop her doing that any more if she hasn't washed them thoroughly.I think this is a bit of an odd habit, to be honest, especially if she is not washing her hands regularly, which I am guessing she doesn't as you say there is a strong odour on whatever she touches.To be honest, I think there is virtually no way of approaching this without her getting defensive and offended over it. I wonder if she thinks you don't notice her sitting like that or something; I guess she will be embarrassed, and that is natural really. My approach would be this; next time she wants to do your face, you need to tell her that she HAS to have clean hands to do it, to avoid infection. Then make sure she washes them. If she doesn't then don't let her do it. This might make her realise a little bit. You have to put your foot down over this.Other than that, I think you are going to have to just sit her down and be honest, although I think that could come across as offensive even if you are in the right. The criticism is so personal. I do think you need to address it though. I think the best way would be to tackle it in cases where she is going to touch YOU after touching herself; it's fine for you not to feel happy about that.
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