A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my girlfriend of 2 years recently admitted something to me that is bothering me to deathshe admitted that she has told "white lies" to me, because she felt i would not be happy with something, and thus rather than fight or have a spat she figured it didn't matter and would instead either change facts or avoid telling me things at all.it's usually small things, like, one example. instead of the fact that she spent a day with her mom, she'd say she spent it with her friends. this is because her mom really dislikes me and I know it, and she thinks me knowing she's with her mom will make me uncomfortable. (it does a little bit, but i still trust her.)another example is one day she stayed up way too late watching tv, and the next day she was really tired and totally out of it, so she told me she had been studying, and her reason for "lying" was that she didn't want to look irresponsible to me. or i think in other words, studying is more of a reasonable excuse than watching tv?one more example, she exaggerated how sick she was when she didn't feel well, she really just had a headache, but she added on body aches and a fever. why? because she didn't think i'd feel a "simple headache" was a good enough excuse.i won't lie and say i've never disagreed with her or fought with her, we have, like all couples do, but we always resolve it quickly, often just a little time out then coming together to talk is all it takes. and the kinds of things she is white-lying about are things we usually wouldn't actually fight over. yes, i don't like that her mom doesn't like me, and i don't see any grounds for it other than i'm dating her kid, but i'm not going to stop her from seeing her mom. the thing with watching tv? so what? she stayed up late, we all do that! and, why would she think i'd ridicule her excuse of having a headache?...but i do know her family and even friends have been very judgmental in her life, in particular her family; none of her decisions are "the right ones" and none of what she does is "good enough" she feels. so she developed the bad habit of white-lying and making excuses to her parents, which i think is spilling over to me. friends have also teased or taunted her for doing things that her friends personally feel are "stupid", i suppose maybe her friends would say having a headache is a dumb excuse to not feel well? i told her when she admitted all this that even though i am going to express my feelings on issues, it is no reason for her not to tell me anything. i told her that even if i personally disagree with something she's doing, all i'll want to do, when appropriate, is express my viewpoint, and what she does with it after that is still up to her. i reassured her that i won't judge her based on simple decisions like this. i also tried to gently warn her that if she gets too deep in the habit of lying that trust in the relationship will soon be shattered and then we WON'T be able to just go away for a few minutes and then talk.the way I see it, we each have our own opinions and feelings, and part of being a couple is being able to express that but at the same time not try to be controlling, and that's exactly what i try to do. i also feel that yes, we will disagree, but as long as honesty was part of it, we will eventually compromise and everything is ok, but if lying is involved, then trust suffers, and eventually i can't believe things she says.it'll be hard for me to truly know if she stops doing it because like i said the things she "lies" about are so trivial that they're truly inconsequential. but i do worry about the habit getting out of hand, and before you know it, she is lying about something that actually is a big deal...she did seem really, really upset, like this has been weighing on her conscience for quite some time, which is why my gut instinct is to give her the chance to "prove it", but, again, how DOES she prove it without me seeming like a stalker...?what do you guys think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2013): WiseOwlE, thank you for that response. As I am reading OP's question/story, he was basically talking about my boyfriend. I didn't know any of this at first, until I got to know him better, which of course would happen when you are learning about someone. The only variation is he didn't confess anything, I started putting the pieces together myself and couldn't figure out why almost 75% of everything that comes out of his mouth is highly exaggerated or a flat out lie for the stupidest things. And I have been struggling with this for a long time. Anyway, your answer was intriguing and made a whole lot of sense. Again, thank you. I hope it helps you too OP!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2013): I think you are handling it well. Keep encouraging her to be honest and comfortable with your reactions. Lying is a defense mechanism for her. Breaking the habit is going to be difficult for her, because it is a skill she has developed over time, and she can easily dismiss her mistakes without confrontation. She has learned to manipulate people's reactions. It makes her comfortable with her personal flaws and weaknesses. She uses deception as a tool. She lies when it isn't even necessary.The problem with all this, is that she will lie when the truth is most important. A relationship cannot survive when there is no honesty. Trust cannot be established and eventually you will lose confidence in her integrity.This is a problem that runs deep and it started from childhood. It would require therapy to actually get to the core of what triggers her compulsion to evade the truth, when she isn't under threat. A lie is a lie. There is no such thing as a "white-lie."The problem is, lying can get you into some very serious trouble. Especially if the law is involved. Relationships crumble when they are based on anything other than the truth. She doesn't trust herself; therefore she doesn't trust anyone to understand her. She doesn't allow you to offer your opinions or defend your position in any given situation. She determines the final outcome of everything that involves her; regardless of how it may effect you.Continue to be supportive and encourage her to relax and give you the truth. When you approach her regarding something that has happened, gently ask her if that is exactly how it happened. Just spill the beans and things will be okay. Reward her for her honesty and move on.If there is an issue that requires you to confront her. Don't shy from doing it. There must be consequences for everyone's actions. Especially if it causes harm or inconvenience. If she lies to you, she will lie on her job, and to everyone she communicates with on a regular basis.It can do her great harm socially.Continue practising with her. When she tells you something and you feel uncertain that it's true. Simply ask her to recant the whole story, and not to leave out anything. Even if she feels it will upset you. Inform her how it makes you feel when you can't trust that she's telling the truth, and it could eventually end your relationship with her.
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