A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been dating my girlfriend for a year we just found out she is pregnant - at first she said she was getting an abortion then she changed her mind and was talking to our baby, now she says she is going to get rid of it.I am a very honest and caring guy, I don't think I will ever be the same if she goes through with this.I love her with all my heart and can understand that she doesn't want this but I don't think I can live with the pain of killing my baby. What do I do? What can I tell her to possibly change her mind? please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): "I don't think I can live with the pain of killing my baby."
Don't get carried away here. An embryo is not a baby. She is not killing your baby. Furthermore it is not just YOURs it is HERS as well. In fact I would say it is more hers than yours since she is the one who has to grow it in herself and become "one" with it for 9 months. It's far easier for you to have a baby than for her. All you need to do is knock someone up. She has to actually gestate it and give birth to it and breastfeed it. All it is to you is a concept and a warm fuzzy idea. For her, it's hard work, it's medical problems. Please have some compassion for your girlfriend.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): "I love her with all my heart and can understand that she doesn't want this but I don't think I can live with the pain of killing my baby. "
If you truly love her with all your heart, then prove it by supporting her decision, which in this case is not to complete this pregnancy. If you really love her, you will want what's best for her.
and if in the future you two get married and actively plan to start a family, you can have kids then.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): I think you need some perspective here:1. This is her pregnancy, not yours. She's the one whose body will undergo changes, some of them will be permanent. She's the one who will experience all the unpleasant effects of pregnancy. She's the one who will be in pain during labor. she's the one who may even DIE during childbirth (it can and does still happen). This ALONE makes it her decision, not yours. If you want a baby so much, you can adopt rather than coerce a woman into undergoing pregnancy and labor just for you.2. realistically which parent ends up doing most of the childcare and putting their career and other life ambitions on hold because of the child? The woman, not the man. That's fine if it's what the woman wants. But your gf has stated she does not want this. You should not force her to, for your benefit.3. it isn't a human being right now, it's an embryo. You weren't originally planning to start a family with her. Yet now all of a sudden you want a baby. Why? If you wanted so much to start a family regardless of how your gf feels, why have you not adopted a child on your own by now? It's just your ego, now that you're faced with the possibility of having a "mini me" you want that. 4. How likely are you and her to stay together for life? If that's not something you were originally intending or actively choosing, it's irresponsible to bring a baby into such a relationship. Your children, and hers, would be better served being born into a relationship that was already set up to be lasting and permanent."I am a very honest and caring guy, I don't think I will ever be the same if she goes through with this."I'm sorry but you act as if you and your girlfriend mutually agreed to start a family and now that it's about to happen she is back peddling and admitted to misleading you. If there never was an explicit agreement to have kids together, then I don't think it's fair to insist that she go along with your new desire. And, refusing to accept her decision and pestering her about it, IS "insisting." It's inconsiderate and disrespectful to her since she is the one with more to lose than you. I'm sorry but you don't sound very caring, you sound rather self-centered and irresponsible. Please try to have some compassion for your girlfriend.Again, if you want a baby NOW so much, you can apply to become an adoptive parent. There are so many children and babies who don't have parents. If you have so much love in your heart to welcome a child into your life, kudos to you - adopt. Don't force someone else (your girlfriend) to alter her life path just for your benefit, that's wrong. You make decisions for own life, and let your girlfriend make decisions for hers.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): Unless you are prepared to be the full time single parent to this child, raising it entirely on your own without your gf's help and allow your gf to sign away her legal parental rights and have nothing to do with the baby, you have no right to tell her that you want her to carry this pregnancy through. who are you to try to control your gf's life?think about it. She obviously does not want to become a parent, at least not right now. Furthermore, have you any idea how difficult being pregnant and giving birth are?? You want her to not only undergo the physical discomfort of pregnancy and the pain of childbirth, but also to put the rest of her life on the back burner to become a parent. YOU want HER to do this. And why? because YOU want to have a baby born with your DNA. if you want to have a baby so much, then you pay for all the medical costs and you raise the child entirely on your own and allow your gf to sign away her parental rights meaning she is released from all legal and social obligation to have anything more to do with the baby, it's as if she has given it up for adoption. That's the closest to a compromise I can think of. Are you prepared to do that? Are you prepared to raise this child completely on your own and pay for all your gf's medical costs? If not, then you have NO RIGHT to want her to have the baby, just because you want a baby. how selfish.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): You could try offering her a more formal commitment in case she feels insecure about your relationship. So if you love her and want a family you could try proposing to her. If she is not sure she wants a relationship with you long term and that is affecting her judgement about the baby, you could try offering to take on the baby and raise it yourself. It is a very sad situation, I really hope you two can find a solution and keep the baby. In the meantime try and keep it together, let her see you can be a rock to depend on. Dont lose it and get angry, threaten or say things you might regret. Because that will only make her more determined to dismiss your feelings and could push her into making a `knee jerk` decision. So let her see you as attentive and loving, rather than angry and unkind. I really hope things works out OK. All the best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): "What do I do?"Nothing you can do. Unfortunately at this time your lack of legal standing as her non-husband trumps your potential legal standing as putative father. "What can I tell her to possibly change her mind?"Unfortunately, again nothing you can do. From her POV (and as an outside third-party, I can't disagree), having an unwanted, unplanned child that she is unprepared and ill-equipped to raise with a guy to whom she is not married doesn't seem to be her most attractive option at this time. Can completely understand and sympathise with HER reasons for wanting to end HER pregnancy. At risk of sounding heartless while being brutally honest, all I can say is sorry, but "living with the pain of killing [your (singular)] baby" that your girlfriend chooses not to carry to term is one of the possible negative consequences of an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy resulting from unprotected, non-marital sex. You failed to control YOUR fertility, and now you are suffering devastating consequences of your unintended inaction and subsequent unintended irresponsibility."How can I deal with this?"Seek counselling. You are experiencing a loss, you need to grieve and come to terms with it, but you also need to understand and accept your responsibility as well. I wouldn't want to be in your position, only saving grace is perhaps hopefully other male DC readers will learn from your plight and take proper steps to avoid dealing with same irreconcilable and inconsolable situation in their own lives in the future.Good luck and best wishes. I sincerely mean that, just am compelled to say what others may deem "impolite" under your current circumstances but very unfortunately is very much the truth, and as such very unfortunately can't be avoided.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): it depends on your religion.
in my religion, the baby is not considered "alive" before 3 months, so you can have an abortion. it's still a sin, but it's not as big as murder.
and believe me, if she is not ready to be a mother, you'd better not expect her to. otherwise the rest of your life will be a slow and painful death.
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A
female
reader, Staceily  +, writes (30 October 2012):
 Tell her that, how devastated you would be, you consider it your baby as well and don't want to lose it. Let her know you will be there for her, if you have a baby you can work it out together. Find out her worries and help relieve them, plan for the future if she is worried about money, figure out the future of your relationship if she worried you won't stay together, etc. See if putting the baby up for adoption would be an option for her. If after all of this she is still adamant about having an abortion then you will have to deal with it though I do worry for the future of your relationship if that happens. I'm very sorry for what you are going through.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2012): Maybe she doesn't feel there are any options. Have you told her you want the baby & will be there to help her. I don't know if you two currently live together, if not, have you talked about the possibility of living together or marriage (if that is something you might want).
She might be scared of trying to raise a child alone, maybe knowing you'd be there for both of them will change her mind.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2012): Do what people would do historically in these situations.
Propose.
Often women need commitment, security, love and resources in order to feel comfortable having a child. I hope you're working on a career that will earn well. Explain this to her.
In the end it's her final decision.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2012): Ultimately it is a choice that you two should make together. Speaking from experience, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret making the same choice. Yes raising a baby is hard and expensive but it is the most rewarding task I have ever done. So now I look at my two beautiful children every day and think about how life should be with a 3rd. At the time I made the decision I was thinking about everyone involved and how by getting rid of the baby would make things so much easier on them. Well now I am paying the price everyday. I don't know the answer but it is a choice that you both with have to live with for the rest of your lives. Good luck and I hope things turn out for the best.
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