A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hope someone can give me some advice..my new girlfriend is, i feel, a little jealous of my kids. We've been together 9 months and i really think a lot of her. She says she loves me.Recently the idea of moving in together has been discussed but i have reservations.My girlfriend is very good with my kids when we go out. I have them twice a week for a couple of hours, and a few hours at the weekend, then once every two weeks i have them over night. My girlfriend has admitted she is not maternal and has never craved her own kids. It's very important to me that she is involved with them otherwise there can be no future.My daughter loves my girlfriend and gets excited to see her. My girlfriend is very good with both my son and daughter and makes a real effort to get on with them. SHe even took my daughter shopping (daughter's four) cos she knew she liked costume jewellery and brought her some stuff. I have no concerns about how she treats them and i can tell she is genuine.But she has admitted that she finds herself conflicted about sharing me emotionally. In her head she knows that my kids should come first, but I think sometimes she struggles emotionaly to realy take it on board. She sometimes looks sad when I am paying loads of attention to my kids, but she never lets on.I don't knwo what to do for best. SHould I move on or give her a chance?She's never been in a long term commitment with someone with kids before.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (22 December 2010):
 Your kids must come first. If the girl you're with now can't accept that, then your kids must still come first.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): Maybe I can help you understand your girlfriends side a little better. Not that it makes it right but I do feel the same way she does. I'm jealous of my partners 2 kids. We have them every other weekend and then its just us the rest of the time. Its all about us until they come to the house and then everthing is reversed and its all about them and what they want to do. I understand that I shouldnt feel this way but I do. I really dont want kids of my own so I have a very hard time loving, caring, and understanding my partners kids that she had with someone else. My partner is my first no matter what so of course I expect to be the first in her life but Im not. It's hard to come into a already made family!!! so I guess you have to decide if your willing to work with her and make her understand.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): Hey I'm the original poster and in response to the last question, no I haven't ever dated anyone with kids before...I don't understand your question?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): OP, have you ever dated someone with kids before?
what are you chances do you think you'll find someone that will raise your kids like their own no questions asked???? because thats what it looks like you want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): im going throught the same type of thing as your gf, my partner of three years has a daughter and im expecting my first with him, although everything was great for the first year things started going down hill, and his ex wife started alot of shite, his duaghter aged seven has become the devil child spittin in my face tellin me im a whore and that she wants my baby to die.. ive try'd the shopping and girl days out but seems the harder i try the worse it get, my partner thinks most of it is in my head when i try to tell him whats going on,so i can deffo say being a step mom is very very hard,
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (11 October 2010):
 Oh, you are looking at your options here. I will not be jealous of a man's kids provided that the man looks at me as an equal, not just a mommy figure and a housemaker. I do know that some men compensate the loss of a wife by being really really close to their daughters. One extreme case I heard from a friend is that the dad wants to sleep with his 5 year old daughter and tells his step wife to sleep in another room. For sons it's a different case. Usually the step father becomes jealous of his new wife's son. She hasn't said anything about your relationship other than you bothered by her sad face. I guess I had to look at her face at that time to give you a more accurate perceptive.
No one has perfect childhoods. Even with someone who's happy all their lives, you are bound to have a diferent set of problems, if not about child raising.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): Thanks for your replies, original OP here.
I guess I'm scared of what the future holds. Do most women get jealous of other people's kids & do they ever get over it?
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A
female
reader, kih88  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 You are in a hard position because you love your children very much, but also want companionship. It's great that your girlfriend is putting in the effort and showing you that she is willing to involve herself in your children's lives, but it doesn't sit well with me that she's giving you sad looks when you're paying more attention to the kids. I know you said that she knows in her that the kids need to come first but may be "emotionally conflicted" still about sharing you, but that is something that is going to have to change.
Before you make any big commitment moves, I would take her aside and set her straight just to make sure you're all the same page. Let her know, in whatever civil and sensitive way that you can (because the way I'm going to describe the following isn't exactly kind), that she better wisen up and mature herself emotionally because you are not something to be jealous about or be fought over now--or ever. Your role as the father to these children should come first since you are the one who was originally and always has been emotionally invested in them and care about them, and you shouldn't make any allowances because of your girlfriend's insecurities and jealousies. She may, over time, grow into the role of being sort of a mother to them despite what she has said before about not ever expecting to have kids, and forming a cohesive family would be ideal. But if things get out of hand, you could end up having a straight up jealous partner who resents you or your children for the relationship you have, and your children may grow to resent her as well. Family divisions like that can hurt your children's emotional development and understanding of relationships as they grow. Do whatever you can to make sure that distinctions of "she's not my real mother" or "those aren't my real kids" never surface in a negative way.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 Well, you wanna know something, if you DID feel the same love for your girlfriend that you do your daughter I would be very, very worried.
Just keep reassuring her the love you feel for your children is more like the love she feels for her mum, but more protective, and you will be OK. I can understand your concerns, but honestly, your girlfriend's father sounds like a dunce!
Just keep reassuring her, its not going to be forever, it still sounds like she is making a huge effort to make all these new relationships work, remember she is having to fit in with three new people, not just one.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): thanks for the reply. i'm the person who posted the question by the way.
I think the reason I am worried is that my girlfriend has asked questions like "is it the same as how you love your girlfriend" when referring to my daughter. She didn't have a good relationship with her own father (who left her mum for another woman who didn't like her and her sister) and her dad once said that the reason her step-mum didn't like her is cos she was jealous and that a man's relationship with his daughter is the exact same as what a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship is but without the sex.
My girlfriend can handle it when I tel her it's the same love that she feels for her mum, but not when she thinks it might be the same as her and i love.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (10 October 2010):
She didn't tell you her concerns so you can tell her take it or leave it, she's trying to express her feelings to you in the hopes that you would say something like, "it's okay to feel that way, I love you very much." You should be happy that she's a woman who wouldn't want more kids. No relationships are free of struggles. Even when a woman says something like "I can't take it anymore," a man shouldn't mistake that as her wanting to leave the relationship. Your girlfriend may be worried that she can never compete with the real mom, but luckily your children like her. Children are very perceptive. If they are happy with her it means she is doing a good job.
It's also possible that as a child she was the neglected one, so she felt she always had to do extras to gain affection from her parents.
As an advice in general, women are more emotional whether they have kids or not. I just notice how women allow themselves to feel while men are more sensitive to the effects of one expressing them. I doubt she desires to go after a single childless man wanting no children ever, just because of what she is feeling. She just needs to process her emotions and then get on with it. The difference between men and women is that women welcome their emotions, express them in order to feel better while men avoid emotions, avoid talking about them, and to find solutions in order get them out of the way.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (10 October 2010):
Woops, sorry for all the grammatical mistakes below.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (10 October 2010):
When I started reading your question I was expecting something completely different, another "rotten bitch" story.
But she sounds like she is trying, she sounds intelligent (unlike the "rotten bitches" who took my kid's father for a ride lol).
This woman has opened up the lines of communication, she has told you how she feels, she has admitted she sometimes struggles, she has taken your daughter shopping, your daughter LOVES to see her, you say yourself she is VERY GOOD with the children ....
I think this woman will be a good choice, open, honest, communicative, trying hard to fit in, she took your daughter shopping for girly stuff, how more involved are you expecting her to be?
She isn't their mother and doesnt have children, she doesnt know the other stuff that many mothers learn from the moment of their baby's birth and onwards.
As a woman who raised three kids as a single parent and has had to deal with the many disappointments they were dealt along the way. Based on what you have said I will say to you, if this lady had been involved in MY children's younger years I would not have had a problem.
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