A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We both have our issues that we've been working through. I just can't figure out if we'd both be better off out even though that is not what I want. She has an anxiety disorder and I've been told I have one too or possibly bipolar NOS or ADHD which we've both been taking medicine for. I honestly feel level most of the time until the stress of our sex life seems to trigger my anxiety. She also has a lot of insecurity with her body bc of religious reasons and being criticized by an ex. The problem is our sex life has never been consistent. I feel like I never can initiate now bc I'm scared of being rejected again. Or when I do try she just give me little pecks that are very off-putting. When I talk to her, she says she just isn't sexual or good enough for me. I tell her no, I just feel like she doesn't want me. And then this puts pressure on her and then makes me more frustrated bc I feel like we can't gain ground. She told me she thinks this is all bc she's not married and she thinks sex outside of marriage is wrong. I asked her why she did it then and she said bc she loves me. She said she thinks it'd get better if we were married tho. We talked about marriage early on and that is when a lot of my anxiety took off bc I began to question our intimacy more. And then when I told her we needed to slow down, it worried her that something was wrong with her. Now, we are even further along and things seem to get better and then worse again. I feel like I'm having constant ups and downs moreso than ever. I can't tell if I'm the problem or the sex issue is legitimate to cause a breakup. It's just so hard for me to relax and let sex go when I know she can do without. It feels like the only time we have sex is when she wants to or is ready. I'm not a control freak but it is very hard to feel like she controls the sex. She said she won't do it if she doesn't want to and I said ok but let's find some solutions, yet I feel like she'll just become comfortable having it when she wants. All of this pushes me away and she notices, I become distant. I feel unwanted and it hurts my self esteem as a man, if that makes sense. I also hate that i'm making things hard on her and I feel selfish and guilt.We had a huge argument the other day and she lost it, cussing and telling me she felt like punching me. I said enough and that we need a break away from eachother to work on ourselves. She's supposed to get counseling and I hope she does. I'm also seeing one and have been. Sorry this has been so long but what the heck do I do? Is there any hope? We both love each other and she has been very supportive of the stuff I've been through. Will her guilt go away after marriage and her sex drive increase or would that be too big a risk? I hate sex has become such an issue, I just don't want a divorce in the making. Thanks for any help.
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a break, divorce, self esteem, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014): I disagree with the others, OP and I think you're being too harsh on yourself.
The fact is this woman uses every excuse under the sun not to have sex with you. Firstly it was body issues, then all of sudden she throws out the premarital guilt excuse the only grain of truth in there, OP which you shouldn't ignore is that she said she's not every sexual. That will not change after marriage, I mean will her insecurities suddenly melt away?
OP I always see dating as a test drive for marriage. Would you buy a car that splutters and breaks down a lot because the person selling it says those problems will disappear after you buy it? No, then you'd also be a fool for thinking this utter failure of a test drive relationship will improve just because you have a ring on your finger.
You're not pressuring her, OP, you're just trying to have your needs met with a woman who keeps blowing hot and cold and changing the reasons why she's doing that every time you try.
I mean she even blames an ex for some of her issues, so she's punishing you over what an ex did?
OP it's simple, you have a problem in your relationship related to sex, one she flat out refuses to resolve and gives you the bullshit line that "she thinks" it'll improve after marriage. Did she by any chance tell you a good reason why it'll improve? Because she changes her story all the time as to why she refuses.
I'm sorry as much as I respect Ciar I think she's completely wrong here. Respect works both ways an it's not respectful for your girlfriend to just dismiss your needs, it's also not respectful to keep changing her excuses, it's also not respectful for her to use emotional blackmail in the form of saying she's not good enough and all that other weepy shit she says to deflect your desires. What I do agree with though is you need to stop pressuring her, because one thing is for certain; she's just not sexual and she's not going to be able to satisfy you sexually, ever.
OP do you really want to continue on in a relationship where your partner makes it seem like you're the problem for wanting a healthy, normal sex life? One who uses emotional blackmail, lies and excuses to get her way?
No you don't and if you think for one second that's ever going to change then you're in for a nasty surprise when you find out it's not.
You're on a break now, OP, take this time to figure out what you want in your future, and really think hard about whether she will give it you. You can't change her, she's not broken so you can't fix her, she's just not sexual and that's never going to change.
OP this was a test drive, do you really want to buy this car?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014): The anonymous reader is right you should never pressure a person into sex especially if they have religious beliefs.
I too have religious beliefs about sex before marriage. Even
though I did it with a guy it was because I loved him. It is
best in a loving relationship leading to marriage. But I do understand that it's not always possible for everyone to find
a mate to spend their life with. Of course you feel selfish and guilty because you are pushing her. Loving words and patience are the key. Back off or it will get worse.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 April 2014):
 Think back to when you two were first dating and nothing was certain so you put your best foot forward. You kept your temper and your demands in check, you were interested in HER opinions and what SHE wanted. You did what you could to impress her and you appreciated the things she did for you. Do that again and keep doing it for the rest of your life.
If she did the same, you two would have an amazing marriage with few complaints. The couples who succeed are the ones who do this.
The myth that marriage is a sex killer is just that. A myth. What kills sex is the bad behaviour that results from taking each other for granted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice you all. I can see where I've been selfish and honestly feel bad for it. There's been a lot of stress in my life lately and on my relationship with me going through buying a house and my health issues to getting pressured a lot about marriage. I feel like I'm trying so hard to make things work and it's coming out in me putting pressure on other things to make me feel good. I'm very open to listening and making this situation better. I would like to go ahead and get married, but I get a ton of anxiety when I see all the sexless marriages, and people saying the frequency only gets worse. I don't want us to be miserable in the future and that effort is only doing it to us now. Any advice on how I can turn this around? We're taking a little break from each other right now to focus on ourselves for a bit.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (4 April 2014):
It's not that your girlfriend doesn't or can't enjoy sex. It's that she doesn't enjoy it with you.
OP, there are two main problems here as I see it.
First, you have failed to grasp that, for women, most foreplay happens outside the bedroom, not in it. The more dissatisfied she is with you overall, the less eager for physical intimacy she'll be. Given your preoccupation with self as demonstrated here, your unrelenting demands for sex, your belligerence when you don't get it, and your behavioural problems that led to a bi-polar diagnosis, I'd say she has a great deal to be dissatisfied about. Wouldn't you?
The other problem is your sense of entitlement when it comes to women and sex, and your reliance on both to validate you as a man. Self worth comes from within. It isn't determined, for women, by whether or not a man watches porn, nor is it determined, for men, by how often they get to ejaculate. This is a 'YOU' issue not a couple issue and I suggest you resolve it otherwise it will just follow you wherever you go. Life doesn't owe you an orgasm.
When you cook dinner and/or wash the dishes without being asked, when you pick up your own socks without being asked, when you put the toilet seat back down, or hang up your towel, or any of those other things that make her life easier, when you show your appreciate for what she does for you and the enormous sacrifices she has made - and make that part of your routine instead of an hour before you want sex, you may find she is more receptive and perhaps even initiates it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): It feels like the only time we have sex is when she wants to or is ready.
Are you freaking serious?
GOOD! That is the only time you SHOULD be having sex! If she feels guilty for having sex before marriage, tell her she doesn't have to have sex with you until you are married and leave her the Hell alone!
Dear God, did someone really have to spell it for you?
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