A
male
age
41-50,
*andagold
writes:My girlfriend recently split up with me because she says although she cares for me deeply (more than anyone else she has ever been with) she just cannot love me. She is so fantastic and I'm so sad now.She says she has never loved anybody, and she doesn't understand why she can't love me. She didn't even want to split up, she only did it because she feels its unfair on me and she feels guilty all the time. She really is great, honest and its definately not another guy. It really is simply that she can't give me the time I want with her. She forgets about me sometimes, because I'm not on her mind.She was so upset when we broke up, and she said maybe we should split up for a month instead. I said that wouldn't be fair to anybody, and that if she doesn't love me, there is no point. She then said she would phone me in a few days time to see how I am.she has had a few issues in the past. She barely speaks to her mum, and although independent in many ways, she is also very insecure in others. She has low self esteem, and has suffered from mild depression in the past.I just love her, and wanted to be the one that put the smile on her pretty face!In all honesty, will she ever perhaps realise that maybe she does love me and want me back?
View related questions:
broke up, insecure, self esteem, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, macmichael +, writes (10 May 2008):
i think she has gone for good ! dont pester her too much thats the worst thing to do ! but dont totally ignore her either. Every woman is Always looking for a better guy !
A
male
reader, pandagold +, writes (4 May 2008):
pandagold is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK...so I'm out with my friend the other night, and she turns up just as we are all leaving the pub together to walk home. I said hello and I decided to stay for another drink with her. She was a little tipsy, and started crying saying that she really misses me, and then she hugged me and grabbed my hand. i hugged back, and then we just chatted.
Then I took her outside to wave down a taxi for her. She was still hugging me before she got inside teh taxi, and we said goodbye.
Now I'm happy that she misses me, but when she told me that I just said 'well, you know how I feel about you.' So basically does she or does she not want me back? I didn't push the issue, and I've not been in touch since.
Should I keep being distant, or should I ask her to meet me for a drink to discuss what we both want?
...............................
A
female
reader, sadeyes +, writes (30 April 2008):
Hey
That is good you had a nice time,but sorry to say I'm sure she did too,but you probably wanted to think she was gazing at you,as you know we aer in the same position,and I honestly feel they do love us,but they are using us as well,as emotional crutches,we are all so used to being together and when that is gone obviously you miss it.Please dont see just what you want to,you are saying you are just being a friend but what you are actually doing is stopping yourself getting over her.I have started moving on and i have to say feel a million times better for it,only you know what is best for you,but if you carry on seeing her as a friend,when you want her as a lover all that is doing is keeping you broken hearted
...............................
A
male
reader, pandagold +, writes (29 April 2008):
pandagold is verified as being by the original poster of the questionQuick update!
She texted me to see if I was okay, and I said that I felt like I had been ripped apart. I realised that this was a dumb thing to say, so I texted back again, this time telling her not to worry and that I'll be fine.
Anyway, a couple of days later I invited her to a function during the day that I was going to as she could meet people that would be helpful for her job. She came along and we spent the whole day together having fun. I didn't make any moves, and I just acted as a friend to her. She was fairly tactile and very complimentary of me all day. We had dinner afterwards and then she drove me home. She gave me a long tight hug and we said goodbye.
I'm sure she felt something that day, she kept looking into my eyes, and I played it as cool as I could!
Anyway, what does any of this mean? Does she just want to be friends or has she started missing me?
I realise that nobody can give me a definative answer but what I thought is this: I am going to wait and if she wants to do something together again, i'll say yes, and just be her friend again. If she wants more, she has to make the first move. I can do this for a while, but there will come a time when if she still hasn't expressed her wanting me back I will have to turn my back forever and move on. Being friends is great as I love spending time with her, but its so difficult when all you want to do is hold them and tell them you love them.
...............................
A
female
reader, sadeyes +, writes (22 April 2008):
It sounds as though you do really love her,as I do my b/f,but I personally think I deserve more than somebody that just enjoys my company,everyone deserves to be adored and treated like gold.
Being at her beck and call will only make you feel worthless,eventually,try getting out and about and see what happens,there is a grieving process you need to go through but you will meet someone else and you will wonder why you put up with being 2nd best
...............................
A
male
reader, pandagold +, writes (22 April 2008):
pandagold is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSad eyes
I want to make a clean break, but I really love this girl, and I know that although she doesn't love me, I think she cares more for me and will love me over time.
Its her choice now. I'm just going to move on, and if she changes her mind I have no doubt I'll take her back without a second thought. Maybe I'll move on and meet somebody else before this happens and if that is the case, it is her loss.
I'd still like to help her though, and I might try being friends with her, but it will be hard.
...............................
A
female
reader, sadeyes +, writes (22 April 2008):
Hi Pandagold
As I said before,we are in the same position and I dont want to be cruel,but these people are damaged goods,no matter what you do they are so full of self-loathing no matter what you say you are wasting your breath.
I have now cut all contact and feel as though a weight is lifted,they need to sort themselves out before they drag us down with them
...............................
A
male
reader, pandagold +, writes (22 April 2008):
pandagold is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think she had any particularly bad experiences in past relationships. I think it is more that she cannot 'love' anyone enough at this point in her life.
Basically I wasn't on her mind much, even though I was the most important person in her life. She gets very emotional and she has a negative outlook.
...............................
A
male
reader, previasc96  +, writes (21 April 2008):
Your girl is very insecure! She won't let herself love you because people she trusted and loved have failed her before she met you. IF she cannot learn to forgive those who have hurt her, she will never move on to find real love with someone else
...............................
A
male
reader, pandagold +, writes (21 April 2008):
pandagold is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe bedroom side of things was great when she was in the mood, but that wasn't very often i.e. weeks without for a while, then every other day for a while!
...............................
A
female
reader, sadeyes +, writes (20 April 2008):
My God Pandagold you and I are in exactly same position,she is the female equivalent to my guy,I am trying the friendship thing and it isnt working it is so painful and you will never move on as long as you are in touch,cos you wanna ask personal questions that you know you cant cos you aint a couple anymore.It is torture but set yourself a goal of say a month with no contact and then see how you feel.As i said earlier you cannot fix her,they are damaged goods so to speak and maybe they need left to their own devices.Was the bedroom side of things alright as a matter of curiosity??
...............................
A
male
reader, pandagold +, writes (20 April 2008):
pandagold is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Kay KayI actually told (very kindly) her during the 'break up' converstaion that I thought she should consider seeking professional help. She has taken medication in the past but she felt it did not help. She told me that that she is not suffering from depression, but instead 'guilt' because of how she was feeling about not loving me. That may be slightly true, but I'm convinced she has some form of depression also.Her mother had postnatal depression and so never bonded with her, and her upbringing sounds like it was quite hard and at times lonely. I think that this has some part to play in her being unable to 'love' anyone.She told me that she thought I was the greatest guy she has ever known (handsome, funny, clever, etc etc) and I think she has felt more for me than anyone else in her life, but she felt it just wasn't enough.I will give her as much space as she wants, and try and move on with my life, but I am wondering should I remain friends? This means I can still help her, but I'll probably feel pain being close to her. Also, at least if I'm around she can see what she may be missing!
...............................
A
male
reader, pandagold +, writes (20 April 2008):
pandagold is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi sadeyes
We were going out for a year also. I'm sorry to hear you had the same problem.
I think I'm kidding myself at the moment, because I can't stop hoping if I give her space she may feel grief at losing me, and re-evaluate what is important to her.
I do feel though that she may well be incapable at loving anyone. She probably needs to be alone to sort out her issues, so maybe some lucky guy will meet her at the right time in her life.
I just wish that could have been me.
...............................
A
female
reader, sadeyes +, writes (20 April 2008):
Hi
Going through this myself,we were together a year,how long you guys together?Like your g/f my b/f just said he isnt in love with me although i am his best friend in the whol world and he loves me as a friedn,the thing is I didnt feel from him that he wasnt in love (although he wasnt able to say it,said he has never told anyone) I accepted this was just part of him,like your girlfriend he has seriously low self-esteem,and has suffered depression.I think possibly these people are a lost cause as how can they love someone else when they dont love themselves.It is really hard but I think you and I are both fighting a losing battle,we cannot save these people unless they want saved and i think for your own self-esteem you should walk away or she will drag you down with her I'm afraid.That is what i'm trying to do,lets both go and find someone that is capable of loving us back
...............................
|
