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age
41-50,
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writes: Hallo, i have been seeing my girlfriend for 1 year now. We met on an Internet dating website. I am in my mid thirties and she is in her early twenties, so there's a bit of age difference between us. I must say i am a person who does not find it easy to trust the other when i am in a relationship. I have always been like this. Now when we started going out together i could see that my girlfriend was still going on the Internet dating site where we met and the impression i have got was that she was spending quite a lot of time there. I know this because i was also going to this Internet dating site from time to time. This did not make me feel comfortable as i did not see the point why she would want to continue going to the website since we were now together and i tried to explain to her many times that i wanted to be in a serious relationship. Every time i confronted her about this she always told me that she would like to meet more friends as she is new to the country and does not have many friends. Sometime i believed this but sometimes i found it difficult to believe. Anyway after about 4-5 months we were together and have been talking about this from time to time i really told my girlfriend that i did not like the fact that she was still going to the Internet dating website, at the end she told me she would remove all her pictures and details from her profile and she would not log on there anymore as this was upsetting me. However, even if she did this i still cannot forget her for having regularly visited the website 4-5 months into our relationship. Not to mention the fact that i was feeling this was damaging the trust i was trying to build in her. I also told her this.I should also add that during our relationship i tried to tell my girlfriend as many things (both positive and negative) about me as possible because i felt it was important for her to know me so she can decide if i am the right person for her or not. However i did not feel the same level of honesty from the part of my girlfriend when she was talking to me about her. I must add that my girlfriend comes from Asia where maybe the culture is a bit less open on these things, i don't know.About one month ago my girlfriend told me, after i asked her if there was anything important that she did not yet tell me and i should know, that she is actually married to her 2nd cousin (with whom she was living with during the first 2 months of our relationship) on paper. That is she married her cousing to obtain a visa to stay in the country but this is just a convenience marriage, nothing more. Not to say how upset i felt when i knew this. I felt she lied to me for 1 year! Why didn't she tell me about this at the beginning of our relationship? she said she did not tell me this because she did not know me and her family told her not to tell anyone. One week after she revealed to me this shocking news i decided that it was best for me to end the relationship so i met her and explained to her that she lied to me very much and know i could not believe her anymore. Also i think probably there are many other things she did not tell me about her. She says to me that this (the marriage thing) is the only thing she did not tell me and now i know everything. Anyhow after meeting her and seeing her crying, etc. we decided to still stay together.These days i feel much less close to her than before and my trust in what she tells me varies from day to day. Sometime i believe her and sometime (especially when i am alone) i do not. What shall i do? And am i right in finding difficult to trust her?
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female
reader, cat lady  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 'Hans,' a raven and a mockingbird are both certainly birds, but they don't generally nest together, do they? How about a dove and a vulture? I'm describing her personality and yours, not just your surface differences. Wouldn't you have been safer with somebody you CAN find out about, since you have difficulty trusting people anyway? (can't say I blame you there) That's one of the dangers of internet dating sites. It's too hard to check up on people, particularly when both their origins and their families are closed worlds to you.
You have found out, finally, that the major differences between you and your girlfriend go far deeper than just being born in different countries. You wanted something unknown and out of the ordinary and you certainly found it and a very different set of values and ethics came with it. And when you know you are totally different in character, why the surprise when the girlie doesn't behave just as you would have done? You knew she wasn't "the girl next door" when you invited her into your life.
Her first loyalty is now and always will be her family, period. So, her family told her to keep quiet and lie to you about being married so she could do....what? Something blatantly illegal? Do you care about being an accomplice to that? The point is, whatever they tell her, there's a 99% chance she's going to do it, good or bad. She has already shown you she will break every standard of decency with which YOU have been raised because it has no bearing on her own set of values. The fruit never falls far from the tree, Hans, so don't expect any explanations from her family either.
Get out of this situation whilst you still have your health and your bank account. No amount of 'love' on your part will make you anything but an outsider, even if you live together a hundred years. You are being used. That is not to say the girl doesn't like you but these illegal games with her family should have convinced you by now that the girl neither understands nor respects your ideas of right and wrong.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 January 2011):
 Well as for her visting the dating website for 4 to 5 months you should have mentioned to her at the start that you felt uncomfortable with it if she was really interested in you and wanted to be commited she would have came of the dating sight for you.
As for the marriage thing ok i do understand that it must have came as a shock and it would be hard to trust her but am guessing this is something that she doesnt want people to know as it could get her in to a lot of trouble and someone could report her and she could lose her visa therefore she obviously didnt trust you enough at the start to tell you this and once she finally got to know you she was honest with you.
What you need to ask yourself now is can you deal with your girlfriend being married? If it is long term you are looking for do you feel that this will get in the way with your plans for your life. If you are wanting something long term do you see yourself wanting to marry this woman? These are things you need to ask yourself. Also if you feel that the trust for her is gone then there is no point in carrying on with the relationship because you need to be able to trust a partner.
If you have always had problems with trusting people then maybe you need to deal with your insecurities before you get in to anything serious. Maybe you could visit a therapist or a councellor to disscuss your problems and see why you are so insecure in your life.
Goodluck.
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