A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:If you went away with your partner and you didn’t do anything in bed, would you consider that normal? It was a whole week and I never been so stressed, trying to plan things, make sure it’s all right, so it would of been nice to be intimate in our posh hotel. She was tired and me on the other hand couldn’t sleep until early hours due to insomnia. As a result I was thinking are these red flags? I would jump on any opportunity. But she doesn’t seem interested to initiate, even if I’m trying. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (13 September 2019):
 "She has been asking me what to wear in bed etc" I thought that was a banned subject.
If she wants to open that subject again then she and you need to agree to read Willard Harley's excellent book His Needs, Her Needs together.
This is what I meant by a relationship reevaluation. You need to take a look at the relationship together, figure out why it is dying, and agree together on what to do to save it. Honestly, without that kind of framework, you shouldn't be sharing sexual intimacy, Organic or not.
BTW spontaneous organic sex is a myth. Any Man knows this. for example take a look at all of the Planning you did for this holiday. It did not happen spontaneously. Men spend most of their lives preparing the conditions so that overly romantic women can believe that sex wasn't planned. I think we are hurting ourselves by perpetuating the myth. When you think about it rationally unplanned sex is a pretty awful idea.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2019): She says she was tired. In response I have completely stopped making effort in that area, I don’t initiate anymore. She has been asking me what to wear in bed etc but I’m just not giving it much thought as when I look forward to it, it drives me nuts if it doesn’t go ahead. She’s lucky, she knows which button of mine to press and I’m all over her. She used to be the same.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (12 September 2019):
Thanks for the follow up. Yes not talking about it is more of a problem than not doing it. Looks like aversion / phobia. Something she needs to work out with a qualified therapist.
2 hours of cuddles leading nowhere is the biggest red flag.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 September 2019):
 Sounds like you two aren't that great of a fit.
Sure, intimacy should happen organically or naturally, BUT IT ISN'T! which is why people sometimes TALK about it.
I think it's a COP OUT for her to say she doesn't want to discuss it.
Obviously, she isn't INTERESTED in sex. Or sex with you.
Which means... for YOU it IS a red flag. If you think she might CHANGE her mind or how she feels, then I think you are wrong. This isn't going to improve.
A vacation is the PERFECT time for some sexy time, IMHO.
For me HER not wanting to TALK about it is a bigger red flag than not DOING it. Because it leave NO room for improvement or minor changes.
Is she NEVER really in the mood? Does she NEVER initiate?
Sounds like SHE got a vacation and you got zilch.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2019): She does not like talking about it. It’s kind of banned subject. She finds it weird to discuss and prefers it to happen naturally.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2019): Together for 3 and half years, currently not living together so holiday means a lot in terms of getting time together alone. I don’t ask for it, it’s just at natural times it’s nice to be intimate and close. I mean how many dinners and romantic days out do you need to be in the mood. Otherwise things were great last year. Fatherly advice is spot on I think. How can you go a week without wanting it? And to those who say it’s becsuse she thinks that what I want all time??Surely 20mins of effort on her part their would of made up for the whole week I ran around her making sure she’s having good time. I’m not forcing her to have it. It’s not like that. She keeps me hostage inside in bed for hour or two before bed so she gets her hugs, intimate tv time..if I choose to even do anything else or leave her sight she goes mad.. And in mornings we out of bed minute she wakes up. I just didn’t feel like holiday, felt like I was on school trip following a timetable. So she gets her boxes ticked.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2019): Maybe your technique is wrong. May be you are too hasty and direct in your approach. You must kiss and cuddle, hold each other close, hold hands, put your arms around her and rub her back and shoulders gently. Don't hurry things. Make her feel safe and loved and desired and take your time. Oh Gawd what am I talking about. But that is true. Please read a book on how to arouse a woman. Good luck. I hope I helped.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (12 September 2019):
 There are so many variables here, so please excuse the questions but I'm just trying for a bit of the back story.
Do you currently live together, as you refer to her as your partner. Was the week away in the posh hotel planned by you both or did one of you plan it alone …. was it a special occasion or something you do on a regular basis.
Is your relationship fairly new, or have you been together for some time and usually have sex with no problems.
Has your partner been unwell or were there already some problems between you that the weekend was meant to "fix"
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 September 2019):
Yes, this is a red flag. You are in your 20's. If you were in your 50's this would be a red flag. This isn't a weekend, this is a week. Sure there could be a million reasons, I'd even bet that over the next 20 years you will hear all million of them. There are 2 possibilities here.
1) she's not interested in sex. Now as you call her your partner, I'm not sure how you didn't notice this before. But if her interest in sex is so low that she can spend a week with you and no work and not have sex even once, then you are not sexually compatible. Because you were very disappointed.
2) She's not interested in sex with YOU. This happens way more often than you think. She may be interested in companionship, security, vacations, or any number of things you can provide, and still not be interested in sex with you. This happens when She is interested in sex with someone else. When she is annoyed with you (perhaps because you were tossing and turning all night with insomnia) (perhaps because you were asking for sex too much) Perhaps because you were asking the wrong way.
Whatever the reason, she didn't inform you what that reason was. And fear is the reason she isn't telling you.
With a red flag of this size it is not just time for a face to face conversation, it is time for a relationship reevaluation. My advice is not to settle for a sexless relationship. You have plenty of friends you can do things with, but only one person will be your partner. Choose a partner that fills all of your emotional needs. Never choose a partner that disrespects a major emotional need.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 September 2019):
Talk to her?
None of us can read her mind (and neither can you). So you NEED to talk, ask questions and do it IN person.
Is it "normal" to want to sex it up when on a week-end away? Yes for most couples it is, I would venture a guess. Is it a red flag that she didn't... not really. Could be she was on her period or close, or she was really JUST tired and felt it was a perfect time to relax and sleep.
How is your sex life when you are NOT away? Still not interested in sex?
It might be that she FEELS (or thinks) that you care MORE about sex than just being with her. It might be that your sex life is kind of unfulfilling for her (and she hasn't spoken up about it) and it might be a million other reasons.
If you want to know what's going on you are GOING to have to TALK to her.
But be mindful how you word it. Maybe start by telling her you MISS the intimacy of sex with her. Instead of WHY don't you want sex ever?
Now it might BE that you two are just not compatible sexually and then you have to decide if there is a future here or not.
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