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age
30-35,
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writes: I need help me and my gf are going through a major fight she thinks I will never change when I already have she dwells in the past thinking I will lie to her and cheat on her when I won't I love her to death I would do anything for her I never want to loose her I know I've done some bad things but I know I changed all I want is her and only ever her I want to be only hers but she always thinks I'm going to do the things I did in the past Reply to this Question
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (1 July 2011):
Issues of trust have two sides. There is the person who isn't trusting (her in this case) and there is the person whose trustworthiness is in question (you). In either case, time is needed to build trust or to demonstrate trustworthiness.
All you can do is behave in a way that supports her trust. The little things count. For example, if you say you will meet her at 5:30, and you get there at 5:40, you send her a message that she can't completely trust what you say. You have to say what you do, and do what you say. The more you do this, the more you will demonstrate that you are trustworthy.
From her side, building trust takes time. She has to be willing to give you the time to develop her trust in you. You can ask her opinion as to what you can do in order to gain her trust. Don't agree to do just anything, if she asks you something that you don't want to do or that you don't think is fair then don't do it (like if she objects to you talking to other females ever, for example, that isn't reasonable), but if she makes suggestions that sound like a good idea then take them to heart and do those things for her.
In time, she will either decide she can trust you or she will decide she can't, you have limited control over that. What you can do though, is become the kind of person you most want to be, and by doing that you and all of your relationships will benifit.
A
female
reader, So confused 2  +, writes (1 July 2011):
 The best predictor of behavior is looking at past behavior. DR PHIL I totally agree. What you did in the past has been very hurtful to someone. I truly believe though that the person who cheats; cheats themselves the most. Your story proves my theory. Anyone can cheat. It takes a real unselfish man to remain true. Not many men and women can say they are not cheaters. You get out of a relationship what you put into it. If you have truly changed then you will put more in. It is up to you to take her insecurities away. You have to be an open book and hide nothing. You have to be patient and understanding until she can see if you are a changed person. If you are and she really loves you, everything will be fine.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (1 July 2011):
 That's part of the price you pay for bad decisions - you will get judged for them later. And the people judging are right to do so.
First, they can't read your mind. They have to go by their judgment and experience. Second, even if they could read your mind, what you mean sincerely now might change later, so again, they have to go by their experience.
I'm sorry to have to break that to you. Hopefully you really have changed, and this will really drive the lesson home. Give her the time she needs to decide if you've really changed, and don't screw up in the meantime. There's no guarantee she'll ever trust you again, so you'll just have to take your best shot, hope for the best, and be prepared for it not to work.
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A
female
reader, sammy1986  +, writes (30 June 2011):
tell all this to her explain how you feel about her and tell her the past is the past you want a future together with her and only her
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): how long has it been since you did the "bad things". You have to be patient. it is traumatic when you get cheated on by someone, especially if you love them. You will have to show her you want this and that you are willing to do whatever it takes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): Some people find it impossible to move forward and find it difficult in their hearts to begin to trust i can only say if she wants you enough she will atleast try to trust if she cant its time you walked away as things wont ever change
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A
female
reader, Shelley Harris +, writes (30 June 2011):
 Hi,I'm sorry to hear you and your girlfriend are not getting along. You need to be patient, if you have hurt her in the past it will take a WHILE for her to trust you again. Let me tell you something about women you may not know. The only way to help a women get over a past hurt like this is to get down on one knee, and tell her HOW SHE MUST HAVE FELT when you did those things, tell her she must have been devastated you need to make her understand that YOU KNOW what she went through and that you are TRULY SORRY, just saying sorry doesn't work she has to know...that you know and understand what you did to her and how she felt...if you can do that she will move on. It may take a while, but you have to keep reminding her. NEVER EVER break her trust again learn from your lesson. This is possible, but it will take time. You have to be vulnerable and talk about her feelings and yours, maybe a tall order, but worth it. Be gentle and good luck.Shelley
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