A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:The girl I am seeing and I got into big fight the other day. She is very moody and when she is in a bad mood she makes no attempt to cover it up. So if she is sad or excited or angry or impatient...she lets it all out! Needless to say it makes every meeting with her sometimes emotionally difficult. I never know what to expect. Now of course there is a flipside, and that is that one of the things i like about her is her spontaneity and honesty. But lately it has me on pins and needles. I never know what she is going to do or say.Is she right about being able to express her emotions no matter who is around her?Should she as a mature adult learn to control them more or is she right that she has the right to be spontaneous?Thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (31 May 2011):
 your girlfriend may have some kind of personality disorder or the problem may be caused by PMT (premenstrual tension) do you notice any pattern to her moods on a monthly basis? if so supplements can help - vitamin B,
or do the bad moods come after contact with a particular person or situation that may leave her feeling bad?
x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): Your girlfriend sounds like a passionate person. What I like about people like her is they are often very creative and generous. What I dislike is the brooding intensity that often accompanies it.
When she is in such a mood you could calmly ask her if there is anything you can do to help. If she says ‘no’ or ‘I don’t know’ and continues to brood or lash out then politely excuse yourself from her company. Do not respond to accusations of 'running away' or any other barbs she might cast your way. Let her know that you’re happy to do help in any way you can and if she thinks of anything she can all you.
The benefits are twofold. You would be encouraging her to THINK about solutions to her problems instead of just FEELING badly about them. You can protect yourself from ill treatment without being accused of trying to control her.
Beyond this, say very little. Silence can be powerful and it will certainly be more effective than fighting or sitting her down for a long chat about all the things she’s doing wrong.
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (31 May 2011):
I find this a really interesting question. Firstly, should people control their emotions or let them all out. In general, I think it is healthy for people to express their emotions, in a healthy way. In our society, public displays of emotions are frowned upon, we like things to be calm and predictable, we don't want people to be angry or sad in front of us, we like things to be nice and under control. Have you ever stopped to think why we like things to be that way, and if it is really a good thing? I think we are often way too controlled in our emotional responses, but there is a catch.
There is a big difference between responding and reacting. Mostly, people react to one enother's emotions. Your natural emotional response to your partner's emotional nature is that it puts you on pins and needles, but you are questioning how you should respond. If you were to act on your natural response, you might feel threatened by it and withdraw, or become annoyed that she is doing it and fight with her. That's normal. However, you are also thinking about how you want to choose to respond, and whether you need to feel so emotional about the fact that you never know what she is going to say, or how she will act. Maybe it is ok however she acts, and you can be ok with it. Maybe if she is angry, or sad, etc, you don't have to take her stuff on board and let it affect how you are feeling emotionally, to such a great degree.
Another thing to think about is that, we do react emotionally to one another, its natural, so sometimes people burden us or manipulate us unfairly with their emotional outbursts, they dump all their stuff or work their stuff out as if we were human punching bags, able to take all of their emotionality. If we can find a way to not take other people's emotionality on board and be true to our own nature, whilst still being close to them, that is great, but it can't always be done. In some cases, the best thing we can do for ourselve might be to limit our contact with such people, whilst we learn to build up our own emotional robustness.
A good place to start might be for you to think about how you want to act when she is emotional, and try a few things out, see how your responses go. Another thing is, be true to yourself and your emotions, try expressing them too. In other words, if she is expressing her anger and you feel like it pushes you away, or makes you angry, or gets you worked up or threatened, try letting her know. They are difficult conversations to have, you never know where they might take you, but you might notice a healthy shift in your relationship with her if you are prepared to risk being honest, and true to yourself.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for the replies. I guess I was not so clear. I mean, like for example:
*When I see her and she is in a bad mood, she will act angry and she will not greet me. She will sulk for a long time. Then I have to pry it out of her what is wrong. I mean, she won't even make the effort to put on a "happy face" when she sees me.
*She start crying and won't tell me why. This could happen out of nowhere.
Basically if she's in a good mood she is lively and fun. If she is in a bad mood she is nearly inconsolable.
What is getting to me is that she seems unwilling to have any control over them. Like most adults if they are sad or angry they can somehow learn to express it in a socially acceptable way. But she can't seem to do that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): I would say she has a problem. having moods bouncing from one extreme to another at the drop of a hat to the point that you feel on edge waiting for the other shoe to drop and not being able to relax around her, this usually indicates an unhealthy psychological or emotional life.
Then there's the issue of her making no attempt to control her moods. I've had depression where I was constantly sad, irritable, grumpy and so on. I would get easily angered. This was definitely a problem and I did take responsibility in getting my depression treated. maybe your girlfriend has depression too which is why her moods change so much and so suddenly.
However, a separate problem was that while I was still being treated, meaning while I still had the depression, and even before I sought treatment, I made conscious efforts not to push my negativity onto others. It was extremely difficult, sometimes it took herculean effort to act 'normal' or to not show just how irritated or despairing I was actually feeling. But I mustered up the strength to act normal because it's not the fault of whomever I was with that I was feeling pissed off so why should they be punished by me snapping at them or saying something mean just cos I had personal baggage?
So, for me interacting with people was very tiring because I had to do so much work the whole time to control my outward demeanor, facial expressions, body language, and so on. Was I being fake and hiding my true feelings? Yes. But I think it was the right thing to do. My depression was my problem and my burden to bear. Whoever I was with, had nothing to do with why I was feeling so crappy so it wouldn't be fair to them to be the target of my rage or whatever other crap I was feeling. But I didn't just stuff my negative emotions, mind you - I was working through them through my depression treatment. Just that, when around other people I controlled myself to be considerate to them.
At the same time, my husband also had depression, and I knew how awful he was feeling most of the time, yet he too would put on a brave face and not subject me to his bad moods, just as I did the same with him. And, I really appreciated his efforts. I can only imagine how much more difficult life would have been with both of us depressed, if we were both just "behaving authentically" to however we were feeling all the time. That would probably have really strained the relationship on top of each of us already battling our own personal demons.
I also had an extended family member who for as long as I've known him, has always been a very negative person. I think he has depression too but he's never admitted it much less sought treatment. He makes no effort to hide his bad moods, which are so frequent that I've actually rarely ever seen him not in a bad mood. As a result, everyone in the family hates being around him cos he's constantly grumpy and rude and spiteful. I get that he is very negative about life, but does mean he doesn't need to care how other's feel when he says nasty things to them or snaps at them for no reason that's related to them? He always would say "I'm not going to fake a smile, I feel like crap so why should I hide it?" But, what good does his "authenticity" do except alienate those around him?
I mean, there is a time and place to be "authentic" about your feelings - for example, you shouldn't hide the way you feel about a relationship with someone. If you're sad, then cry. but if you're sad very often then I would say it's a bigger problem that you need to address and that you shouldn't be crying all the time in front of other people but addressing the problem of why you're always wanting to cry.
But if you're getting together for dinner and you're feeling like crap but instead force yourself to be sociable and polite and refrain from ranting and saying nasty things - how is that a bad thing? You can still say that you don't feel well because things in your life are difficult, but you don't have to emote all over the other person (you can do that in private). Or, you can share your real feelings with them a few times, but then spare them at other times to give them a break (especially when it comes to people you live with like your spouse, they deserve a break from your negative moods at least some of the time!)
I have more respect for people who make efforts to hide their negative feelings out of concern for others, than those who use "authenticity" as an excuse to behave however they feel like, as if the rules of civil society don't apply to them just cos they're having a bad day. Neither camp is necessarily dealing with their emotions in a healthy way, unless they are actively working through their issues.
In the case of your girlfriend, I guess the question is not whether she 'should' be hiding her negative moods ; my opinion is that if her moodiness is not an often occurrence then there's no harm in her expressing it fully in front of you, but if it's in fact happening all the time, then something else is wrong which is WHY are her moods so extreme and sudden in the first place?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): well I come from a very stoic family so only now, in my 30s am I finally learning to express my emotions... so I'm biased in that I believe that one should show restraint when they are feeling negatively and not just "let it all out"...because as you can see, "letting it all out" can make other people around you, who have to interact with you, uncomfortable and tense and anxious. It's called being considerate of other people, not making one's problems into other people's problems too. "letting it all out" may make her feel better or at least take less effort for her than having to control herself, but what of the effect of other people that she is interacting with? it's selfish and childish for her to knowingly behave in a way that makes other people highly uncomfortable. it's understandable for a 5 year old to throw a tantrum whenever they don't get their way. Adults should show courtesy and restraint even if they are feeling crappy, that's just called being considerate of other people.
This is also cultural though. Italians are known to be very expressive in general, whereas Americans much less so.
I don't think it's bad to express negative emotions. (in fact if one is having chronic negative emotions like depression, suppressing it can be very unhealthy)...But I do think it's problemmatic for social interactions if she is having these negative emotions very often, or constantly changing moods. That's a completely different issue, which is: is she an emotionally stable person? being emotionally stable doesn't mean suppressing emotions or putting on a fake smile to hide negative emotions - it means being even-keeled most of the time and not having your emotions jumping all over the place to begin with. If necessary she should get a grip on her life so her emotions are spiralling out of control to begin with.
in other words, I think it's fine to express negative emotions and "let it all out" - if such occurrences are relatively few and NOT because one is suppressing or hiding feelings but because one genuinely is feeling stable and not emotionally falling apart. If her negative emotions or volatility are a regular occurrence then I think it is a problem - HER problem because such people very draining to be with.
you said "Needless to say it makes every meeting with her sometimes emotionally difficult. I never know what to expect. "
so there it is - it is a problem in your relationship because you feel you're walking on eggshells. And I think this is her problem to deal with because I doubt that many people (apart from you) would be comfortable with it too.
that said, she has a right to feel however she wants, and she has the right to behave however she wants. That doesn't mean you have to stay in a relationship with her, though. If her behavior makes you uncomfortable on a regular basis, you have every right to end the relationship.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (30 May 2011):
 to me, there's a time and a place for everything. personally, i would be mortified if i were with someone and they blurted out their feelings in the middle of the grocery store or while out to dinner. but i'm a very laid-back, keep-to-myself kind of person. i express my emotions on things very calmly and rationally, not loudly and in anybody's face.
do i think she's wrong for that? not necessarily. everybody's different. she shouldn't have to change just because you don't like it. although for me, i'd have a hard time dating someone like that. i'd probably search for a more emotionally toned-down, less emotional girl. that's just me.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 May 2011):
 No, she should not have to "adjust her moods" to suit your liking. Women can be hard to read at times but they're not required to be all happy and spontaneous just because you think they ought to be. Nor should they expect us guys to be all cudly and wimpy like just because they think boys should be "softer" women act one way,men another it's just all bent out of shape that way. Nver think you can control someone's moods or feelings. If you don't like her moods hang out with someone else.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 May 2011):
 It's not clear by your post how she reacts to her moods. If she's taking them out on you and being mean and thoughtless to you when she's feeling these moods, of course that's a no no. Being moody gives no one the right to attack or verbally abuse anyone else. Period.
The other thing that's not in your post is whether or not she's oversensitive, meaning you have to step on eggshells in case something you say inadvertantly steps on an emotional land mine, and she gets easily offended by something seemingly innoculous. That's no way to behave either. That is a high maintenance person who nurses grudges and strikes out at the slightest provocation.
However, if you're getting unnerved by her simply having these moods or expressing them in healthy ways, then it's more of a compatability issue. There are many guys who wish that they could understand their girlfriends because they're unreadable or they don't say what they really mean.
There's nothing wrong with being moody as long as it's expressed in healthy ways. I find it refreshing talking to someone who is emotional, because I know exactly where I stand with them, and I don't have to guess what they're thinking. They're an open book, and there's something refreshingly real about that. It's not a trait of maturity to stuff unattractive emotions. But it is a trait of maturity to express these emotions in healthy ways.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): It's not a matter of right or wrong, it's just who she is and how she expresses emotions.
You either accept who she is or you move on. You say that's something you love about her well get rid of that and you lose some of the things you like about her.
Honestly though OP, this is her personality. If you feel this may be a problem for you, then you really are looking at having a problem with who she is as a person. If that's the case then you just may not be compatible with her. Don't for one second make the mistake of thinking she'll change or anything like that. That's how people get into unworkable relationships.
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (30 May 2011):
she needs to take other peoples feelings into consideration and have some empathy. is she similar in age to you? if so i am afraid that it is a bit late in her life to now expect her to grow up. speak to her about it and tell her you will not tolerate her rudeness (expect an argument to ensue) if she fails to address this, move on
x
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female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (30 May 2011):
What exactly is she doing when she's expressing her emotions spontaneously? As in is she screaming or swearing at events, the library, movies, etc.? Is she making scenes with her emotional expression? Or is it more the fact that she is moody and is not in a good mood (or at least pretending that she is in a good mood) when you are? It's really hard to tell from this whether she is being excessively emotional or you have a low tolerance for it. Generally speaking, she should be able to express her emotions in certain places, especially around you as you are her partner. Maybe control crying or tantrums when you are out with others, but when you are alone, she should be able to let loose. Even if she is out with others, she should be able to show her impatience or some sadness, as long as she is being socially appropriate. If she covers everything up, chances are it will look fake anyway. Why are you on pins and needles about what she is going to say? Is it because she's relying on you to improve her mood? Or is she venting all her emotions onto you? Or are you worried about what other people think of her?
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female
reader, supermum +, writes (30 May 2011):
 I think that it is a good thing she is being honest about her feelings rather than bottling them up. And personally, I think that covering your moods, especially in front of someone you love, is only negative. You need to help her deal with these moods, but not to cover them up. Perhaps saying "I love how you can be so honest with your feelings, but I would love to know how I can help when you are feeling less than 100%"
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