A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Been dating a great woman for almost 10 years, and have trusted with 100% for the entire time, but she cheated recently. What do i do? She started to have drunken sex with a friend but stopped within seconds. She is completely devastated that she did this to me and is begging for forgivness in time and knows that its not possible right now. I truly believe that she is sorry and this is totally out of character for her during our relationship. I know that she loves me but im worried that she isnt in love with me, if that makes sense. She says she knows that i am what she wants in love, and she sees in her future, and she knows without a doubt that i am her soulmate. I do worry that because she doesnt know why this happened that she really isnt sure if she wants to stay with me. I know that i can forgive her for the cheating because we have had something very special, but do i let her go because i believe that she doesnt know what she wants. Give me your advice?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): "She started to have drunken sex with a friend but stopped within seconds....." WHY do men always believe that their partners stopped just in time, or even worse that they cheated just once. women always lie and make their partners believe that they only had sex once or they came to their sense just before the other man plunged his penis into her. ............and sadly their husbands/ partners pathetically lap it up. whether you forgive her is up to you. you say you have spmething special. so work on the relationship. but this relationship can only work and progress if she is completely honest. for now you only have your drunken gf's word. she needs to come clean about her "apparent sexual " encounter. then you both can move forward. trust me, even when sober it is EXTREMLY EXTREMLY difficult to stop once the sexual act has started. when you are drunk, can you honestly say that although you were motherless you came to your sense just in time. women claim this all the time.men on the other hand, acknowledge thir drunken sex mistakes. seems like "drunk" women have more self control than men??????? who am i trying to fool??
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): If you love her, you should forgive her. That is what love is. Ten years is a lot to throw away over something as small as sex. I am sure if you continue the relationship, you will need her forgiveness at some point. She will not forget the things you forgive. When two people can be around one another for that long with out driving each other insane, they have something. As soon as you can learn to appreciate that, you will find forgiving her to be much easier. I feel for you though man. Life is a beach, that is for sure.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): She never said that she doesnt know if she wants to stay. She says that without a doubt that i am the man for her, but would she lie to me because of what we had. Would she say this to preserve my feelings and hope that I end it with her? Im really confused on whether or not she truly knows how she feels. She is one of the most wonderful people i know and we have always had a very deep connection, even when we were just friends before we dated. At risk of sounding like a complete pathetic excuse for a man, I just want her to be happy, and if that is not with me then I want her to go and i will get over it (not any time soon thats for sure) Even with the situation i want to make sure that she is remains true to herself first, so she can tell me what she truly wants. Do i take her at her word that i am what she wants, that this was a mistake, or do i need to help her figure out if this was her "subconscious" way on creating a definite end to a relationship that otherwise had no reason to end? (if that makes sense) Thank you so much for the tremendous responses! I greatly appreciate people taking time out of their day to help someone in need. Its a rare thing these days!
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A
female
reader, Plantie  +, writes (10 January 2010):
Hello,
I am not really an expert when it comes to relationships.But based on what you wrote it appears you guys were "ok" prior to her cheating.If that is the case now is the time for you and your girlfriend to go back to the drawing table and discuss the future of the relationship.Yes-I think you should give her a chance.Nobody is perfect and people will make mistakes-the first step to recovery is acknowledging the mistake-(which you said she have done already).
You made mention of her being "drunk",if she was then she had little control over what was happening.Maybe she needs to evaluate the friends she has and the places she visits.If she insist on drinking she can do it in the comfort of her home-preferably.
The bottom line is-dont throw your relationship out the doors just yet.Its best to exhaust all the possible solution-(I think breaking up should be at the very bottom of the list).Re-visit the ground rules you had when the relationship started.Maybe those need to be changed or there needs to be a reminder of those. It might take some time for the trust to grow but overtime it will.Just love your woman and let her love you back-tide each other over in this difficult time,be her shoulder and she yours.
Hope it helps :-)
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (10 January 2010):
At 25 (the high end of your reported age range) you've been with this woman since she was 15 (or younger?). My recommendation is to work through this and QUICKLY. Do not let this fester. If you can forgive her and let he forgive herself this is IMO the best course of action. Talk this out, find a counselor and invest in your future with a few sessions. You need not go for a year, but 4 or 5 visits may get you past this little pot-hole in the road to happiness.
Set some boundaries (non-sexual hugs only, no kissing on lips, whatever you two decide...) and move on. If she's been worth dating for 10 years, then PLEASE don't let her go now.
If on the other hand she's only had one lover in all these years she may be getting an itch to try something else, in which case you need to both make a decision on what to do. If that's it, sadly you two may need to separate and let her sow her oats.
Regardless, you can't NOT let her go... if she says it's over, it's over... no second vote... I don;t understand how you can be her soul mate, and yet she's not sure she wants to stay...
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