A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hi guys basically split up with my girlfriend over a year ago after 4 years together I was devastated and still am not healed, I have slept with 4 girls since then and tried to turn them into relationships but the spark was never there so it turned out just to be sex, now here comes the problem there is a gay guy who showed me a lot of interest and I ended up kissing him after a few drinks which I felt odd about after , he invited me around his last night so I thought I might as well go for it. I walked 20 mins to his house but just as I was around the corner my brain kind of said what the heck are you doing so I turned around and came home with no explanation to the guy. I would not entertain the idea of dating a guy in a million years because I want a girlfriend so I am worried I am going to any lengths just for attention and feel desired, I guess I just want to feel wanted like I used to but I clearly am going the wrong way about it so how can I break this cycle. I just want that connection with somebody again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2013): You're desperately reaching out for a connection. You had a vulnerable moment, and that shouldn't be taken as anything but reaching out for a "painkiller." Sometimes it does take a long-time to get over a breakup; and until you feel less vulnerable, don't try to start any new relationships.You are at that point in the post-breakup period that you should just enjoy dating a variety of personality-types. It will smooth the jagged-edges around the heart. It will soften you, and make you more open to your own feelings. That doesn't mean you're ready for a new relationship just yet. Got to get over her first.You can still feel affectionate and attracted to someone other than your ex. Like a heart-massage, you're giving that tightened-muscle a chance to relax.Stop attempting to form attachments. Your mind isn't really ready for that. You're making mental-comparisons of women, trying to recreate the feelings your ex used to give you. If you don't feel exactly how you felt with her, then you dismiss the the new lady without even giving her a chance. You close off your feelings purposely; only to use her as a "quick-fix." As a disposable lover. You've already decided she is only there temporarily; so no feelings are attached.She never had a chance to begin with. You're trying to find a reproduction of your ex-girlfriend. Good luck!As for the encounter with the guy. That didn't mean anything. It was a need to feel desired in an animal or sexual-way.The feelings were never reciprocated. You were just the receptor of an emotion. All real feelings are still on lock-down, but the need to still feel attractive and desired is always intact. Thus, the women you half-heartedly dated. Hearts probably broken in the process.Maybe it's time for a little grief-counseling, to get past some of that emotional-incapacity. I know that numbness.You can hardly feel anything. The therapy helps by getting to the root of the pain that holds you back. You need to talk it out to a professional, and/or a support-group of others who have been in the same place. It might be free in the UK.Please let the guy know there isn't a chance. That way, he will leave you alone. It's not like dumping a female. He'll keep at it, and he shouldn't be allowed to prey on your vulnerability, as males often do. Nor should you toy with his affections, when you need to feel appealing. He'd make a good friend eventually, but now is not the time. He's thinking with the wrong head. Things will get awkward.When I mentioned grief-counseling, I meant for your feelings of loss. It is equivalent to a death in the family. Only, you don't get the closure to move on; because the feeling of permanent loss doesn't give the heart rest, and the mind acceptance. The chemical processes in the brain to detach are retarded by false-hope of getting that person back. So you remain suspended in the past. Ruminating over and over how good it was being with your ex. Forgetting that it got so bad it had to end. There was a reason you broke up. She is living her life, and not coming back.You are free to let her go. You aren't cheating on her, you are cheating your heart out of the chance to heal. Once you convince yourself that her love wasn't the only love, you'll open up to someone new. Look for something that feels good, but different. Let things happen naturally and don't force it. Don't even think about it, let the feelings happen spontaneously. Being single is being available. It isn't a sentence to eternal loneliness. You still have to love yourself. That counts. Be good to yourself. You're stuck in the tar pits, and you're going down, bro. Enjoy dating for companionship, warmth, affection, and sex.Not in the mechanical way you've been doing it. I mean actually let yourself enjoy it at face-value. Setting no expectations or deadlines. That's called freedom, dude. Share common-interests, good conversation, fun and celebration. No strings attached. To clear your head. To experience something unfamiliar and mysterious. The unpredictable. I broke up in April. This is where I am now.Just enjoying wonderful people, and what they have to offer.It's rejuvenating! My pain and grief is fading away. I consider a good date heart medicine. I don't try to weigh people down to prove to me how much they want me. I don't burden myself trying to prove to myself I'm desirable or loveable. I surrendered to healing. That takes work.Don't lead people on, or shut them out. Just relax. Don't try to see how they measure up to your ex, that is dead and gone. Prepare for something different. There is no reliving the past, my friend.
A
female
reader, shna  +, writes (24 November 2013):
 Its sad how your in such a bad state of mind ! I think you are looking for attention as a way to get through this break up !!What you should be doing is trying to focus on yourself your wants and needs so you can be the best you possible in order to be ready for a new relationship !!Work out the pros and cons of your last relationship and decided what you want from your next relationship focus on that !!also work on yourself make decisions like what you want to do while your single that u might not he able to whilst in a relationship !!start eating healthy or working out to focus your attention onto something !! Save upto go travelling or doing activitys like sky diving !! The main problem is your not keeping yourself busy ! I mean time is a great healer but you need to work on yourself and focus on you want out of life instead of crying about all the wrong thatd been done to you !! People go through bad situations all the time you just have yo say to yourself that your not going to let this depress you anymore !! :) x
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 November 2013):
 I meant people are in supposedly good relationships and they still flirt with others.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (24 November 2013):
You are desperate for attention and that shouldn't be a reason you want a girlfriend. People are in supposedly good attention and they still flirt with others for attention. What you should do is prepare yourself for another relationship. What that means is that you have value to offer that person. So you will be a new person and not just finding a lost replacement, a cheap imitation of the past. When you are finally ready for a relationship and not hurting anymore, then the chances that you find a girl suitable for you will be higher. If it means you will be single for a while it will be worth it. You feel now emptiness as a bad thing, but without death there won't be a reborn.
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