A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I had been out on a couple of dates with a guy I have known for a very long time. The third date involved him coming to my place for the weekend (he lived 60 miles away). We had a really nice weekend, went to the zoo, romantic dinners etc. As he came to leave I asked to see him again and he told me that he had been worrying we were getting into a relationship and that he didn’t want that as he had recently been in a long distance relationship that had ended badly and he had been badly hurt. He explained that he would never want another long distance relationship and that he was not ready for another relationship at all, at this time, because he was still feeling hurt and was not over his ex.I was very disappointed as we have a long history of trying to get together which has spanned nearly two decades and also I felt a bit angry that he had spent the entire weekend with me and had only offered this information forward when I had asked when I would next see him. Despite this I agreed that it would be good to stay in contact as friends.This worked ok at first and we spend another nice day together a couple of weeks later, just as friends, walking along the beach and a pub lunch. He clearly enjoyed my company again on that day.A week later I bumped into him in a bar. I told him that I had decided to move back to our home town (this decision was based on the fact I had recently ended a very long relationship with another man and wanted to live closer to family and friends). He seemed overjoyed at the prospect of me being closer by, which was good, but I knew that wasn’t enough on it’s own for him to change his mind about us. Anyway as we had both had too much to drink that evening and I ended up going back to his place and staying the night. In the morning he reacted as though we had committed some kind of crime saying this should never have happened and being quite hurtful towards me. I know we had agreed to be just friends and that sex would only complicate things but I can’t understand why he was so cross about it and why he was taking it out on me? When we parted we agreed that this should not happen again and as I left he said that when I move back I should let him know and he would come round for a cup of tea.Now I am left feeling that he may have thought I had only said I was moving back to get him into bed (which was not the case at all) and his comment about coming round for tea has really confused me. I wonder if he said this because he felt guilty about how he had behaved and was trying to make me feel better or whether he was testing me to see if I am really moving back home?Anyway, I have now moved back home and I have no intention of contacting him but I’m worried about bumping into him (which I know I will do). Should I completely ignore him, politely say “hi” and walk on by or should I be friendly and say “how about that cup of tea?” I really don’t know how I should behave towards him. The problem is I really like him and he said he has liked me for years and years so it would be a shame I think if we were to never speak again.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (26 September 2008):
 Maybe a gentle nudge, just so you get more feedback on the situation. Make a bit of effort to see if he will meet up again. Atleast you will know one way or the other.
C xxxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi
Here is an update.
I moved back a month ago and have not contacted him at all. Last night I bumped into him purely by chance at the pub quiz. I heard a voice saying "hi ya" and I turned round and there he was. We made polite conversation and then I moved away to sit with my friends. We chatted again briefly later as he had to walk past my table to go to the bathroom and he made a point of saying "bye" when he left. I feel pleased that he didn't totally ignore me although a bit upset that he didn't ask me if I have moved back or if he could still pop over for a cup of tea. Still, at lease I now know we are on speaking terms!
Throughout the night he seemed to constantly be looking around to see where I was or staring at me. Despite what he says it still feels that he likes me and I definitely still have strong feelings for him. I really wanted to go up to him and invite him round but am so scared of coming off as pushy again. I'm hoping overtime the friendship might grow and we could get closer again but there isn't anything I can do to speed up this process, or is there?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi
Thanks for the advice.
I would dearly like to put the drunken night behind us and move on but he seemed so distressed by it that I don't think he is able to do this. The more I tried to make him see that morning that ok it shouldn't have happened, but that it shouldn't come between us the worse I seemed to make it.
Now I feel as though I have to avoid him, which is such a shame as I would like to keep things friendly.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (21 August 2008):
Why not just stay mates then? It doesn't sound to me like he is the user type, having said what he said the next day. When we are drunk we do some daft things dont we. Why think he was testing you?If he isn't ready for a relationship and he knows that, thats a good sign. He could of carried on sleeping with you without any regard for if he was ready for anything more or not, plenty of people would! I dont get why you dont be mates and chill a bit. Who knows, in the future once you have both gotten over your past relationships, you might build on that friendship and get into someothing more, that actually started off as something quite special. Shame about the drunk night, but put that behind you if you can?Only you know if you can manage all that though.C xxxx
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