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male
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anonymous
writes: My g/f of about 3 years and I broke up about 4 months ago b/c she said she was unhappy out of the blue..I had just bought a house near her parents, my whole life turned around and i was so happy..she is 23 and i am 30..i suspected something might be going on and when we moved in i became paranoid of things..i found e-mail to another guy on her comp, numbers on her cell ectt ect..when i confronted her about this she says they were just friends, ect ect..she knows i was never a fan of guy friends and she said she hid it from me b/c she was "scared of me"..i never once in our relationship laid my hands on her, or abused her..nothing..i was a sweet person to her..although we did have out little arguments about the dishes, the bills, ect..i never did anything that would make her scared of me..anyway the last straw was i found out she was lying to me and going out with whomever while i was working nights as a firefighter..i found pictures of guys kissing her on the cheek and things of that nature..anyway, i left the house..since that day 4 months ago she has never made an attempt to explain anything to me..nothing..i was devasted..i just bought a house with her, i was going to ask her to marry me..she didn't want to see me, talk about anything..i told her i had to sell the house and she basically said she didn't care..she left her cat at the house and i took it to my parents..not one time in 4 months has she called to even ask about the cat..never mad an attempt to contact my mother (who she was close with) to explain anything..i asked her to go out and eat a few times to try and talk about things and she said she just doesn't feel the same about our relationship anymore? and that it is not that she doesn't ever want a relationship with me ever again, she just doesn't want anything right now?? like i said it has been 4 months, i am trying to move on..met other people..but every few days i think about things and i well up with tears..everytime i go up to the house we bought, i can;t even walk to the front door without a lump in my throat or tears in my eyes..i just don't know what happened..I was a good man to her, committed, never cheated or lied, bought a house, am a firefighter..then i heard a month later she was dating some guy she went to college with..she wasn't ready for a relationship, huh?..someone give me something good to go on here lol..like one day she will think back and regret it, or that she is a pscyco..something! i left one part out when we moved in together i found out she was on zoloft? anything would be good here
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reader, Yos  +, writes (18 May 2006):
 Three years is a long relationship. 4 months after a breakup its perfectly normal to still be very upset about it.
The fact that she never 'explained' is doubly hurtful. I recently wrote an email to my ex-girlfriend. We separated 9 months ago, but i realized that I had never truly explained why I thought we separated, and wrote her 100% honestly. She said she found it very helpful, and I think it helped us both get some closure and self-respect. I guess what I'm sayping is that it can take someone a long time before they are able to explain a breakup. Your ex may need that time.
You could try writing to her saying that you respect her decision, but that it would help you get past it if she was able to describe as honestly as possible why it happened. That you don't understand, and understanding would help you move on. She may not reply, but she may and it might help.
Other than that, you are just going to have to gradually get over it. Time will help most of all, plus distracting yourself with other activities. I would recommend not getting into another relationship until you feel you are over this one: otherwise its too easy to project your former relationship patterns (and problems) onto your new partner.
Good luck. I've been your situation and I know how horrible it can be. You sound like a great guy, sensitive and committed, she was a fool to leave you and you're going to make some other lucky girl very happy. And I know a lot of girls have a thing for firemen too ;)
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