A
male
age
36-40,
*apthx
writes:For starters, i've posted here a little over a week ago about my long distance relationship that i had going for about a year. We were having issues at the time, lots of arguments, lots of stress, lots jealousy(from me)Well the relationship, as far as i know, has come to a halt. She said she wasnt happy and that the relationship wasnt what she wanted right now. She told me she was stressed out over a lot of things, but the stress i was putting on her was what put it over the edge. She was distancing herself from me to protect herself. I would take it the wrong way and it felt like she was giving me attitude, or acting pissed off towards me. The last straw was when i told her to stop being so pissy towards me out of no where. She flipped out, we had a pretty big argument through texts, it ended with me telling her i would just try and give her space. Well, that didnt work out too well. I was still sending her messages and trying to get a hold of her every now and then. The next day, when she got off work, i asked her if she was ready to talk to me and she said i need space, and asked me what i didnt get about that. I asked her where this relationship was going and she said she didnt know. She said right now she doesnt feel the same way about me as she used to. We used to tell each other silly things like we would be together forever, and how we truly believed we were soulmates. It was a great relationship for a year until all this crap happened. Anyways, when i told her i wanted to know where she stood with this relationship thats when she broke out with the "i cant do this right now, i cant be in this relationship" She told me she valued our connection, and would like to stay together as friends for now, but in my desperation i tried to cling to what we had, and begged her to give me another chance. She just kept telling me that she gave me chance after chance but i never got over my jealousy. She said if she continued with the relationship right now that it would be filled with bitterness because my attitude over the past few weeks had poisoned the relationship. I still tried to cling, and kept begging, then when the realization hit me, i told her i couldnt be friends because it would be too painful to think of her with someone else, etc etc. We said our goodbyes, i removed her from facebook, blocked her on messengers, all that jazz. But the next day i sent her messages saying i was jumping to conclusions, that i didnt want her out of my life, and that i could work on being friends. I tried to tell her i was desperate and upset, that i wasnt really thinking straight. She hasnt said anything to me about it. Hasnt really talked to me yet, but she hasnt blocked me on any of our messengers or my texts. I'm trying to stay positive, but at the same time im thinking i might be looking too deep into what she said, especially when she said "right now" hoping that maybe we can work it out after some time has passed. To give a little history on what has happened over the past few weeks, its been nothing but me going into fits of jealousy and paranoia that something is going on behind my back. I've been through some rough relationships in the past, they have given me some hardcore trust issues that ive dwelled upon. This girl has been the first person in my life that hasnt betrayed me, and has really tried to help and shown me nothing but love and care. Even though we were long distance we were still able to see each other, so i know it wasnt fake. She was the type of girl that would hang out with more guy friends than girl friends. She was a little flirty, but when i really think about it now, it was all innocent. I usually took it the wrong way, and while i did trust her, i didnt trust how other people reacted towards her flirty attitude. It got to the point where i kept making promises about how i wouldnt flip out or get jealous, do fine for a few days, then the cycle would start again. I cant really blame her for coming to the conclusion that the relationship isnt working right now, but i really want to believe that the strong feelings we had for each other are still there. A big issue that i have right now is how shes talking to a certain friend of hers, one whom also lives pretty far away from her. This guy had a major crush on her, and he was very two faced towards me. Acted like he was my friend, but when he found out i was going down to see her, he would talk all of this crap about me to her in texts. She wasnt really talking to him too often after that happened, but i found out they started talking a little more once all this drama between us started. I have these lurking feelings that there might be something developing between the two of them, but i cant just straight up ask her yet. She always made fun of him when we talked about it, saying he wasnt her type, and always teased his deep southern accent. I guess the whole point of me posting this is to find out if i should expect to hear from her again. I know i cant get a great answer because nobody knows the girl, but im hoping someone, if anyone can speak from experience. If i should try and talk to her myself to get some closure, or if i should give her the space she has needed to sort things out, and maybe think the relationship will flare up again after wards. I've gotten over a lot of things, but i still find myself sitting here, waiting to hear from her. People keep giving me mixed answers, either telling me to wait it out, or telling me to just move on. I still do love the girl very much, and have been sorting out the issues ive been having on my own. The only advice she could give me before we said our "goodbyes" was that i need to work on myself for me, not for the relationship, and that she hopes the help she has given me in the past will carry me through the future. I'm sitting here, afraid that shes already moved on to someone else, letting my paranoid side take over my rational side. Im trying to get advice from whomever i can, and have moved online to see what other people might have to say.
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male
reader, Capthx +, writes (20 September 2010):
Capthx is verified as being by the original poster of the question-One day, she's saying she loves you, and the next, it's as if you don't exist-
That's exactly how i feel right now. It's what hurts the most from this whole situation. It's bad enough that i'm losing someone i felt so passionate about, but i also feel like i lost a good friend, even a best friend in the process. I want to tell her this right now, more then anything. But I feel like if i do, or if i say anything to her before she tries to talk to me, that is if she talks to me. It will just make the situation worse, make her think im pushing her in a direction i dont intend to push her towards.
I know shes hanging out with some of these people that fed my paranoia more often now. I know how these guys look at a typical attractive "gamer chick." I feel as if all the emotions she felt towards me have completely dissipated, and that shes trying to move on to someone else. I really want to think im over-analyzing the situation. But the irrational side of me is at war with the rational side, and i just dont know what to think.
"If you love someone, let them go, and if they come back then its really meant to be" Is what ive been told by a few people now, but accepting that is easier said then done. I guess it doesnt help that im really beating myself up over this. Doing the what if's and whys. Never thought id fall this far for someone that lives so far away.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (20 September 2010):
 The only thing you can do is to give her space. I know what it's like to have such a great fear of the possibility you might loose someone you love, that you end up loosing them by allowing the "mental masturbation" to take over rational thinking. Moving on doesn't mean you'll stop loving her or that loosing her won't continue to hurt. I guess sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them go. It's not easy, but it'd in the place you are in now. You two might get back together in the future, but don't try to force it. Doing so will only drive her further away from you. If you want being with her to be your ultimate outcome, you must allow that reconnection to come together naturally. You don't want to end up pushing her away, further than has already happened.
I know what you're going through. One day, she's saying she loves you, and the next, it's as if you don't exist. She's hurt from your jealousy, and it can cause stress that she's said she doesn't want to have in her life right now. I agree that you need to work on yourself, and don't predetermine someone else will cheat, because you had been cheated on before. It doesn't matter what other guys would want from her, even with her flirting, what matters is what she does. It's important to not judge her for something that you have no evidence of her doing. That's what you need to work on.
So give her space now. Try to be friends if that's what you want to do. Don't try to force the issue of you two being together. You need to regain her trust, and grow from there, and maybe you'll be where you were before she began backing off.
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