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male
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anonymous
writes: I have broken up with my girl friend after 10 years of relationship. I cannot move on, I always think of her, and I am not motivated to meet new girls. I am not enjoying anything that I do, and I frequently cry. I blame myself for everything that went wrong during our relationship, even though I know that I was not responsible for all that went wrong. I am convinced that breaking up was the best thing to do, but I cannot move on with my life, and my situation is improving but extremely slowly. What advice can anyone give? will I get over this situation one day? will I return to my normal mental situation one day? how long does it generally take to get over such a relationship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2006): Oh breakups.The other two aunts give pretty solid advice here. I always think that a breakup, especially one after a ten year relationship is like getting over an illness. You need to heal and the only thing that seems predictable are the roller coaster of emotions that you are now going through. I think that is natures way of starting the healing and I agree that it is not a quick process. I have heard that you can count on a year of grievance for each three years of the relationship. You do not mention when the split happened but it sounds like it was quite recently as you mention the tears. That does sound like depression and counselling would be so helpful here. Many companies have employee assistance programs which are free and confidential. I am hoping that you have some tried and true friends who will be there for you through these hard times. I do not want to sound like anybody's mom but make sure you are eating well and excercise helps with the stress and depression. You will have bad days and not so bad days. Expect them. A friend of mine went through a marriage breakup and he marked the calendar on the days that went ok and there were more and more check marks as time went on.Although it is the last thing you may want to do, try to project out to others. I do not believe that any of us ever truly gets over the loss of someone whom we love. What you are aiming for is making the pain less acute right now. In time it will go but it will be awhile. Maybe quite awhile. Take very good care and may this difficult time get better for you by and by. You sound like a decent person and there is someone else out there for you.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (21 May 2006):
 You are experiencing the first stages of loss. You feel alone, and although you might tell yourself that others must have gone through the same thing, for you it is so personal and unique that you don't feel that anyone can relate. I am here to tell you that you are not alone, and that you are in for a long healing process, one that may take years. I'll tell you my story - it may not have any bearing on your situation, but it just shows how long the healing process can take.
Nineteen years ago a girlfriend broke up with me. It was devastating, mostly because I didn't understand why it didn't work out. This lack of understanding was my baggage, and it took years for me to get past that relationship. My first stage was similar to yours, and during that stage I withdrew from everyone. In general, I was pretty much a downer to be around. Even when I met the girl I would eventually marry (three years afterwards), I was still carrying the baggage of that failed relationship. The year after we got married (ten years afterwards), we attended my ex-girlfriend's wedding. It was the most surreal experience of my life, and it proved to me that I still was carrying that baggage. It was only recently (nineteen years afterwards) that I finally identified where I fell short. Improving in that area may not have helped save that relationship, but it sure helps me in the here and now with other relationships, romantic and otherwise. Finally, I can say with certainty that I am past that failure.
I hope your healing process doesn't take as long as mine. Your baggage is probably different from mine, but it is heavy nonetheless. At some point in the future your mind should clear, and if you are willing to put in the effort, you will be able jettison that baggage. Well before that time comes, get back into the land of the living. There are new relationships (romantic and otherwise) to be had, and you need to experience them as part of your healing process.
Good luck, and remember that you are not alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2006): 10 YEARS IS A LONG TIME... IT TAKES TIME TO GET OVER SOMEONE. YOU JUST GOT TO GO OUT AND HAVE FUN, MEET NEW FRIENDS, AND STAY BUSY TO KEEP YOUR MIND OFF OF HER. USUALLY WHEN PEOPLE BREAK UP THEY MAY FEEL USED, LONELY, ANXIOUS,LOWER SELF-ESTEEM, AND JUST SAD. THAT IS NORMAL. IT MAY TAKE AWHILE TO GET OVER HER BUT JUST GIVE IT TIME.
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reader, Country Woman  +, writes (21 May 2006):
 You are trying to push yourself too hard right now.
When you split from a long term relationship, you have a kind of grieving process and that is quite normal. You are bound to be emotional and tearful so don't beat yourself up about it. We all go through those emotions.
You say that you have broken up with your girlfriend, who finally ended the relationship. You or her?
If things weren't going in the right direction then the relationship wasn't working and you have done the right thing in splitting up. Every relationship is down to a 50/50% input and so there are always two people in a relationship not 1 so we all contribute to what went wrong. You always question yourself afterwards, if only I had done this or if I had only done that, it is our self confidence that we are dealing with and probably low self esteem as well as there is always doubts in our minds of when are we going to meet someone new.
When you are in a long term relationship, you don't live in the real world as such as you feel safe and secure in the knowledge that you are some how cocooned but when that finishes you have a vunerability that is extremely raw.
Don't rush anything right now as that would not be fair to someone new or to yourself, give yourself time to rediscover the you that was there before you were in this relationship that has ended. You start to discover how life can be fun again and how you are as a person. Start to like yourself again and things will definitely start to improve for you.
There is no certain timescale to say when you will feel like you are over your ex as that all depends on how you see your life going from here on in and that is purely down to you.
I came out of a long term relationship myself last June and it was 19 and a half years so I basically grew up with my ex and we have a 5 year old daughter together. I still see my ex every day as we have our own business together and that was the hardest part for me as I think if it had been a clean break things would have healed faster for me. My ex had cheated on me for 2 and a half years and so we also had 10 months of counselling both at Relate and individual counsellors as well and that helped me to regain my strength once again.
Perhaps you could think about some sort of counselling as I am not suggesting you are losing your mind but it does help you put things into perspective and you can even go to Relate on your own as well so never dismiss it. They are unbiased people who are there to help you one on one and so think about it as it may help you move forward and leave some of the scars and pain behind before you go onto a new relationship.
It is always scary to go forward but I don't regret the break up at all and my daughter is much happier now without witnessing the arguments and sensing the atmospheres as well. I actually get control of the remote control now too and my ex was extremely controlling so I feel I am now in charge of my own mind and can make my own decisions now which is fantastic.
I did venture out on two dates but I felt that I did not want to be with anyone new and I have fallen for someone who is unobtainable right now. Not married but a widower of just under a year so time is still fresh and I don't know where it will go if anywhere but right now I am not rushing myself and so that is my advice to you.
Take one day at a time and think about you for a change.
Start doing things you enjoy like seeing your mates or planning a holiday or something or going to the gym or doing some sort of hobbie.
When we are in a long term relationship we do non intentionally tend to forget our friends and family so reacquaint yourself with them or start to make new ones. Even go out dancing or something or start an evening class so that you are not sitting at home bored and alone.
Life is for the living so don't waste it sitting around all miserable. Start to plan your life one day at a time and you will feel better believe me. If I can do it so can you!! lol
BTW how old are you? If you are not on zimmer frame then you have your whole life ahead of you.
You can chat to any of us at any time so never feel alone or down OK.
BFN
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