A
male
age
41-50,
*usudio
writes:My fiancee and I have been together for almost 11 years, engaged for a year and a half, and are getting married in a month. I don't think I have ever really loved her.Its hard to summarize our history, there's a lot and not much of it is pretty. The most important thing is that I have bipolar disorder, but it's relatively mild. No semi-psychotic fugue states, just a lot of depression and the inability to use regular antidepressants. We both met our freshman year of college, dated for a couple of years before I decided for the first time that she wasn't the one, but I couldn't make it stick. She wouldn't give up and the tiny size of our college made it so I couldn't get away. After graduating, and moving in together this pattern continued to repeat itself for years.After having gone through so much together, I can't say that there is no love between us, but our relationship is incredibly unhealthy. Between my depression and the resentment I feel towards her, she has put up with things no one ought to; she is consumed by her fear and mistrust of me, but its not enough to overcome the pain of leaving me and the fear of being alone. Moreover, we just don't have that much in common and get on each other's nerves all the time.After breaking up for the last time three years ago, I began to construct a story for myself that all of my malcontent was really because I needed to realize that long term relationships are really about accepting a life of boredom, nagging, and humiliation. I told myself this story continually since then, even as I would get incredibly depressed as we marched inevitably toward marriage. Finally, I went to a doctor and found a medication that has worked wonders for me. I'm in grad school, doing well and am on my way to a successful career. But there is so much happiness missing from my life. She and I have moved to different cities several times, and neither of us have any friends were we are now. I'm terrified to try to make new ones, because anytime I start talking to someone I want to spill my guts about how unhappy I am. I'm also afraid that I might meet a woman that I really like, which would only make my situation worse.It's clear to both of us that our relationship is terrible, but she still wants to make it work, and I'm too much of a coward to stop this thing with the invitations sent and deposits paid. I guess I don't have much of a question. I just needed to tell someone as I get ready to lie down in the grave I've dug for myself. This is not how I wanted my life to turn out, I know we'll be divorced in a couple of years, maybe then I can finally start living . . .
View related questions:
depressed, divorce, engaged, fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, susudio +, writes (29 June 2008):
susudio is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOf course everyone of you are right, but I just can't stop it. First, I'm really afraid she would kill herself; she's already been saying that a lot lately because I lashed out with a list of grievances two weeks ago, problems that she thought had been solved. Second, if it had not been for her I probably would not be alive right now. A few times my manic episodes would give me the confidence to break up with her, followed by the inevitable crash. Always she was there to lift me up again. I can't pay that back by abandoning her now. If we get divorced in a couple of years, I plan on being very generous when it comes to negotiating a settlement, including alimony while she finishes grad school. I know it will be devastating and money could never pay her back for wasting twelve years of her life, but I think a couple of years of misery together will harden her feelings towards me once and for all. She would never think of having children until I am out of school, which is two years away, so that will not be a problem.So that's it. I don't expect sympathy, and I'm not looking for validation. I just needed to write things out to keep my sanity.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008): Well I was in the same situation as you. I never really felt I properly loved my fiancee (at least, not even a fraction as much as she loved me), but I sort of went along with things always thinking 'I'll end it at a better time'. And I never did, and now we're married. (My wife has no idea, but I'm good at covering this sort of stuff up)
All I can advise is that you end the relationship now. It will be one of the most difficult things you'll ever do, but it will only get worse (and harder) the longer you leave it.
...............................
A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (29 June 2008):
 How sad that you told yourself realtionships were about boredom, nagging and humiliation.
Do not marry this woman, relationships are wonderful, life changing, fun, challenging and exhilerating. Sod the expense, cancel the wedding as you are so wrong for each other. I will be far more expensive to get divorced in a few years and there could be kids involved too so you will always have a link to this woman and financial responsibility.
It's not fair to either of you to go through with this so sort it out before it is too late.
I hope one day you find true happiness and love x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008): All right seriously this is the stupidist thing you could ever do to get married just so you can go through the pain of divorce in a couple of years,..if you can't grow a pair and tell her how you really feel and what you really want, then do it for her sake so she doesn't welp you a couple of kids and ends up being a single mom struggling to make ends meet...this isn't fair most of all to your unborn children, they shouldn't have to pay for your mistakes.
This post sounds like a depressive rant, perhaps you really don't know what love is....it is a conscious decision to be worthy of love, it is about sacrifice, it is also about putting your partner's needs first....of course you have to be willing and you have to be able to love the person you are with and have those good feelings by being in their company..
It is a myth that you have to have a lot in common in order to have a successful relationship. The biggest thing is the basis of friendship and how the relationship satisfies both of your needs.
At the very least you don't sound like you are ready for marriage. Get back to your therapist and get some support for the hard work of facing everyone as you call off the wedding....the worst thing you can do is to bury your head in the sand. Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008): I'm so very sorry for you, and I pray that you will find the streangth to break this off now. It isn't fair to either of you to continue down this broken path. Please Dear One, let her go, so you can both find true happyness, and your One True Love. There is nothing more gratifying. Please know that I will be praying for you. God Bless!
...............................
|
